Johnny Manziel Becomes Starting Quarterback, Man

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CLEVELAND—Following a disappointing lack of chutzpah in recent weeks from Browns QB Brian Hoyer, Manziel has officially become a man in the Jewish faith, as well as a member of the team’s starting lineup. “In a short time, he’s really learned the fundamentals of the playbook as well as the many lessons of the Torah,” said

Area Masochist Watches Entire YouTube Ad

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Lincoln, NE – Calling it a vital part of his web watching routine, area masochist Charlie Devita revealed to reporters Thursday that he thoroughly enjoys watching the entirety of each corporate-sponsored advertisement preceding the actually worthwhile YouTube content. “I have lots of hobbies some may consider strange, like putting my hand on a hot stove,

Strained Conversation at Holiday Dinner Consists of Nothing But Possible Alternate Travel Routes

ALBANY, NY—Desperate not to let the conversation fall into a tense and unpleasant lull, family members gathered at the Hastings’ family holiday dinner last weekend spent virtually the entire afternoon discussing how everyone got there, various alternate routes they potentially could have taken, and how they would ultimately return home. The extended family members came

4-Minute Speech by Graduating Plant Bio Major Unfortunately Best Part of Winter Commencement

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In contrast with the traditional spring commencement ceremonies that have taken place in the Big House, hosted tens of thousands of people, and featured such guest speakers as Bill Clinton, Sanjay Gupta, and Barack Obama, this year’s winter commencement will likely reach a peak level of excitement when overachieving LSA senior Hannah Tremain describes at

Mold in Shower No Match for Little Water Kicked in Its Direction

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While the winter months “tend to bring out the worst” in Ann Arbor’s off-campus student housing, according to Linda Newman, University Housing director, many students are facing common cleaning problems in their homes. “Fortunately,” says Newman, “the trend among students currently is to combat these problems immediately and head on.” Junior Eli Weinberg reported that

Man With OCD Too Busy Organizing Severed Heads to Commit Murder Tonight

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Area serial killer Larry Talarico was unable to follow through with his plan to murder four women tonight due to a “compulsive need” to organize his refrigerator and the disembodied heads that fill the shelves. “I just don’t think I can bring myself to leave my apartment when my fridge is such a mess,” he

Nation Briefly Empowered by Thing It Saw on Internet

Nodding vigorously in solidarity, the nation’s citizens were momentarily and briefly empowered today by a thing they saw on the internet. Reportedly, the surging feeling of broadened social, political and personal horizons left an enduring impact on the nation’s entire collective consciousness for no less than several minutes. “It changed the whole way I saw

Supporter of Same Sex Marriage Not So Keen On Same-Sex Hand-Holding

Explaining that the practice “just seems a little off,” area woman Doreen Jones admitted to reporters Wednesday that although she is a staunch supporter of marriage equality, she does not endorse same- sex public displays of affection. “You know, I believe in marriage equality. I really do. The right to freely marry is an indispensable

Local Killjoy Adds Books to Toys For Tots Box

Public school teacher and reported “total wet blanket” Ben Hutchinson made a stop on his way to work last Wednesday to anonymously donate two brand new books to the Toys for Tots collection box outside of his local post office, an act witnesses could only assume would soon ruin an unlucky child’s entire Christmas morning.

Woman Somehow Convinced Her Height Only Thing Standing Between Her, Career as Professional Model

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Sources confirmed Tuesday that LSA senior Gretchen Bell reportedly believes that height is the only modelesque feature she lacks. With an apparent total disregard for her pudgy arms, awkwardly-shaped nose, and pasty complexion, Bell continues to insist that her shorter-than-average stature is the only thing standing between herself and her industry aspirations. Bell is seemingly

Nation’s Masturbators Voice Support for Obama’s Position on Net Neutrality

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In what is a likely response to President Obama’s advocacy of Net Neutrality, polling this month has shown that the President’s approval ratings have increased dramatically amongst masturbators across the country. Pollsters explain that although this key demographic has been tough on the President in the past, most notably in 2009 when the President failed

Area Man Still Pretending to Understand Lake-Effect Snow

CASUAL CONVERSATIONS EVERYWHERE—Sources confirmed Thursday that local man Dan Corona has been offering many confident but ultimately uninformed explanations for the area’s lake effect weather. “It’s simple. Water precipitates backwards into my butts, but it’s cold, so it freezes, and that’s why the snow goes upwards,” explained Corona just last week. In numerous conversational exchanges

Merry Christmas, This Holiday Letter Is a Cry for Help!

By Your Mom’s College Roommate, Sheryl Well, another year has gone by and the Dorfmans have been busier than ever! We would like to take this time to wish everyone a happy holiday season, and give you a taste of what we’ve been up to this year in the Dorfman family! Wow, where to start?

Why Am I Even Here? What’s My Purpose?

          By the Tip Jar at a Self-Service Frozen Yogurt Shop Malaise. Insignificance. Missed opportunities. Like many others working long hours in the service industry, it’s hard to feel anything but marginalized as you remain Scotch-taped to a counter for days at a time. But when you’re put out to collect

I Just Don’t Want To Make A Big Deal Out Of My Birthday This Year

    By Jesus I have to admit— these past 2000+ birthdays have been incredible. And I’d really like to let the Western world know how much I appreciate all of its efforts to make every birthday an absolute blast year after year. I mean, the first one was really wild. How much livestock did

Michigan Football Team Just Hoping People Assume They Play Basketball Now

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After what has been widely considered one of the most disappointing seasons in Michigan Football history, several football players admitted late Monday that they now hope everyone just assumes they play basketball. “It is never fun to look like a loser,” said 368-pound offensive lineman Graham Glasgow, dressed in an XXXL ‘We On’ t-shirt. “Normally

Afghan Child Bride Really Starting to Get the Hang of Domestic Life

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Despite a “rough start” to her arranged marriage, 12-year-old Alima Sahar reported that her situation has improved dramatically, and her household duties have become much more enjoyable as she acclimates to married life. “I wasn’t allowed to attend school, but if I did I’m sure I would not have learned any information that would actually

Cambodian Orphan Apparently Not Well-Behaved Enough for Santa to Grant Wish for Clean Drinking Water

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Sources report that despite nine- year-old Acharya Nhek’s letter to Santa last week requesting “water that is not brown and does not make our bellies feel as if they are on fire,” the Sunrise Children’s Orphanage in Dangkor, Cambodia has still not received water that demonstrates any semblance of potability. Nhek, despite promising to “say

Link Me To Your Feminist Think Piece, Sugartits

        by Brent Melchior Hey baby. The girls are looking nice today. How’s it going? Write anything for Thought Catalog recently? Nice, I’ll have to take a look at it. That is, if I can keep my eyes off of your damn tits. God. I could leer at your sweater meat from

Brown Man Somehow Makes It Through TSA Checkpoint Without Pat Down

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In a shocking turn of events, TSA officials at Detroit Metro Airport elected not to subject local brown man Suresh Gupta to a vigorous and intrusive pat down while proceeding through airport security last Monday. Airport janitor Steven Tyms, who has worked at DTW for 20 years, was “shocked” by the revelation, saying, “In all

Theta Psi Brother Brad Staunch, Uninformed Supporter of Keystone XL Pipeline

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According to sources close to the situation, Theta Psi brother Brad Doughty has become an outspoken supporter of the Keystone Pipeline expansion. “I’ll always stand up for what I believe in,” stated Doughty. “And I believe in every American’s right to easily access Keystone beer.” Doughty was actively voicing his support for the controversial project

Hoke Begins Long Walk Back to San Diego State

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Following his firing on December second, former Michigan Head Football Coach Brady Hoke has reportedly started walking back to San Diego State University, where he held his previous job. This three thousand mile trek comes nearly four years after Hoke said he would “walk to Michigan” to secure the head coaching job. “Well, it’s gonna

Student Puzzled By Roommate’s Bizarre Christmas Decorations

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LEWIS HOUSE, BURSLEY—Area freshman Michael Campbell was reportedly taken aback by the bizarre decorations brought in by his roommate, Stephen Weissburg last week. Campbell allegedly adorned their room with colored lights, stockings and a miniature tree, but was frustrated when Weissburg only contributed “some blue Christmas lights and this weird candle stick thing.” “I’m all

Great Books Lecture Covers Okay Book

Thursday morning marked the end of the semester’s twentieth Great Books lecture, which was reportedly spent discussing an “unexciting” monologue in the Iliad. The text, which has been noted for violating readers’ expectations of its quality, has been described by many students in Great Books as “alright, but not fantastic or anything.” The seminar, which

Archaeology Major Excavates Laundry Pile for Clean Underwear

Junior archaeology major Jessica Gonzalez recently began her first comprehensive dig, sources confirm, attempting to salvage clean underwear from the ruins of her bedroom floor. Gonzalez has been researching the potential for finding clean underwear for “at least two or three days,” and is convinced that the cluttered floor is the optimal place to look

$49 Million Dennison Renovation to Feature Design by Licensed Architect

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University regents authorized a plan this week to undertake an exhaustive $49 million overhaul of Central Campus’ Dennison Building. In a dramatic and unexpected move, regents announced that the process will be spearheaded, from start to finish, by a team of licensed, qualified architects, which is a first for the now half-century old structure. “It’s

Roommates Shake Things Up in South Quad With Unexpected Mid-Year Trundle

FOURTH FLOOR, HUNT HOUSE—In a move that left residents of South Quad “stunned,” roommates Joshua Hodges and Frank Eshelman completely reconsidered the design of their dorm room and trundled their beds last week. “We felt that South Quad was starting to let the dust settle a little bit,” Eshelman explained. “And we were like ‘Nuh-uh.

Graduating Sorority Girl Donates $2000 of Rush Omega Gear to Goodwill

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Senior Rebecca Marrell recently decided to donate her entire collection of sorority apparel to Goodwill after graduation. “It’s not that I don’t love my sorority or that I won’t miss it,” she said, “I do and I will. It’s just really tacky to wear letters when you graduate.” Marrell, who served as recruitment chair and

Parka Engineered for Antarctic Expedition Now Facilitating Walk from Landmark to Starbucks

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ANNARBORTICA, MI–A century-long history of exploration above the Arctic Circle culminated early Thursday morning when a lone wanderer, LSA sophomore Sarah Schwartz, donned her triple-insulated, Gore-Tex equipped winter coat for a treacherous, death- defying morning coffee run in the middle of the Michigan winter. Clad in the result of decades of research and development at

Nation’s Veterans Honored With, Exploited By Free Short Stack of Pancakes At Denny’s

A DILAPIDATED STRIP MALL NEAR YOU—In recognition of their service to the nation, and their marketability to those aged sixty-five and older, the family restaurant chain Denny’s is symbolically honoring and commercially exploiting veterans today by offering each one free short stack of pancakes. “With this limited-time Veterans’ Day offer, Denny’s is affirming its commitment