Senior Refuses To Make Peace With Freshman Year Roommate

CAMPUS - LSA senior Mack Crowfarm has walked out of the final day of negotiations intended to foster peace between him and his freshman year roommate, Dwight Shoreman, sources involved in the peacekeeping effort report.

The latest round of negotiations soured after Shoreman repeatedly denied allegations that he had, in fact, stolen those ice trays four years ago.

The incident has already been dubbed “a grave setback for mending the broken fence of casual acquaintance relationships everywhere,” and has pushed the two embittered roommates further apart than ever before.

“It’s over,” Crowfarm allegedly said. “We’ve come so far, but Dwight and I both know those ice trays didn’t just disappear.”

Shoreman, who is largely credited with Crowfarm’s total loss of faith in humanity, is described by many as a “human wasteland,” and “a person who, you can look into his eyes, and you can stare into the abyss of creation.”
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Boring Guy Dies

ANN ARBOR - No one was particularly upset at the recent news that Chuck something, the boring guy who lives next door or down the street, died last week or maybe a couple weeks ago, dispassionate sources are reporting.

Chuck, probably short for Charles, was largely ignored in his community, and will be remembered for occasionally watering the driveway in sandals, taking his homely dog for a walk in the morning, or having his TV on from about 6 PM to 11 PM every night.

“He always watched TV,” neighbors replied to questions about Chuck, whose last name might as well be Boring. “Except when it was turned off. Then maybe he was listening to the radio or sleeping.”

Chuck Boring is survived by his two dull children, Jeff and Ursula Boring, who spoke at the tedious funeral service held in his honor.

“My father had an average-to-poor sense of humor, and I remember few stories about when that average-to-poor sense of humor really came out,� ... Read more