Rising Senior Declares that Incoming Class of 2018 Doesn’t Know Shit About Shit

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According to LSA senior Charlie Lynn, who has been a student at the University of Michigan for the past three years, the incoming University freshmen “literally know nothing about anything.” Compared to Lynn, who has amassed over ninety-five credits worth of knowledge at the University, the incoming Class of 2018 has, apparently, “a bunch of

To that Young Man Who Was Reading ‘The Every Three Weekly’ in West Quad that One Time

peter dejonge

By: Peter DeJonge Hey, bud. I’m not sure who you are, where you’re from, or what you do, but I want you to know one thing; I saw you that one time you were reading The Every Three Weekly in the West Quad Cafeteria a couple months ago. And you were laughing! And that was

So, You Thought You Were Out of My Grip, Eh?

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By: Winter Oh… hello there. I couldn’t see you come in through all this snow. I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me after April started. I had you all convinced with the warm weather, but it was nothing more than a clever ruse. That’s right baby, I’m still here, and the games

Does the Word ‘Twerk’ Even Mean Anything Anymore?

Abby Helmson

By: Abby Helmson, LSA Junior Don’t get me wrong, I love it when we add new words to the common vernacular. I’m thrilled to hear “hella” and “swag” take their rightful place in everyday conversation. I welcome the use of hashtags for emphasis, even in professional settings. But lately, I’ve seen the word twerk thrown

Animal Does Something Cool on Camera

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Enthralling a nation desperate to be entertained, reports have confirmed that an animal has done something cool in front of a camera. The adorable, furry animal was spotted at approximately 9 a.m. last Tuesday, doing something atypical enough to garner the attention of a nearby human. Using a camera phone, the individual recorded the creature

Malaysian Airlines PR Rep Excited to Finally Have Work to Do

A 20,000 SQUARE MILE RADIUS IN THE INDIAN OCEAN—Though the mysterious disappearance of Flight 370 has caused worldwide concern regarding flight safety, Malaysian Airlines Public Relations Representative Raja Tunku is reportedly elated. “We are doing everything in our power to make sure a horrific event like this never happens again,” a smiling Tunku told the

Homeless Man’s Dog Wondering When This Walk Is Going To End

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According to sources within the dog community, Scrappy, the canine companion to local homeless man Ralph Johnson, has begun to wonder when, if ever, this walk is going to end. “Don’t get me wrong, I love my owner,” barked Scrappy of his human companion Ralph, “But this walk is going on six years now, and

‘21 to Drink’ Sign at Party Only Thing Standing Between LSA Junior and Felony Charges of Providing Minors With Alcohol

Friends of LSA Junior Mott Riley, who hosted his “Mid-Lent Banger” last Saturday, breathed a collective sigh of relief after realizing that Riley would be spared from the legal consequences that follow providing alcohol to minors, thanks to well-placed signs throughout his house that declared “No booze unless you are ≥21,” and “18 to party,

FAA To Review Regulations Regarding Crashing Planes Directly into Ocean

In light of the recent disappearance of Malaysia Airlines flight 370, FAA officials are reviewing the rules and regulations surrounding the freedom of airline pilots to alter communications equipment, change altitude, and crash planes full of passengers directly into the ocean. “While the investigation is still underway, it is never too early to learn lessons

Coked-Up Central Student Government Party Promises to Do All the Things Always Forever

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The michigAWESOME party, recently elected to the Central Student Government with a campaign grounded in “student-focused, worldfocused, risky, safe, unified, diverse, traditional, innovative, plentiful, healthful, youthful, and exhilarating leadership,” announced Saturday night that they are “totally fucking stoked” to represent the student body and “bend campus issues right over and spank them.” The University’s CSG