20 Years Later, Nostalgic Couple Renews Divorce Proceedings
CLEVELAND – Before a gathering of their closest legal counsel, Diane Bowman and Jerry Forth of Ohio publicly declared that their bitter animosity towards one another remains unwavering, even after nearly two decades of official separation.
“I think in today’s world it’s easy to take things for granted,” said Mr. Forth during a break in the negotiations over custody of their now middle-aged children. “Which is why I’m glad Diane and I have taken the time to stop and reflect on how much of a burden was lifted when our sacrament of marriage was terminated in a 12-week-long slugfest back in 1992.”
After months of searching, the couple managed to track down the court-appointed mediator who handled their case. The group then reconvened at the original office suite where their divorce had been memorialized 20 years prior. The private ceremony began with the story of their first fight, a verbal battle royale ostensibly about Diane’s fiscal irresponsibility and Jerry’s reluctance to spend time with his in-laws, but really about Jerry’s domineering personality and Diane’s personal struggle to come to terms with her decision to give up her career for her husband.
“It was really nice to see that the spark is still there between Mom and Dad,” noted the couple’s eldest daughter, Kimberly, age 32. “Although it does make me wonder if I’ll ever really know what true contempt really is.”
The couple even set up a posterboard in the boardroom featuring the old photographs taken by Diane’s private investigator in a desperate attempt to confirm her suspicions that Jerry had been engaging in an illicit affair.
At the close of the ceremony, Bowman and Forth read from their respective depositions, the same ones they had written themselves so many years ago.
“Jerry is an insufferable control freak who refuses to acknowledge that I am an equal partner in this relationship,” sobbed a visibly distraught Diane. “Which is why I wish his sex puppet Heather the best of luck in dealing with his eternal quest for control and subjugation of all those around him.”
“God, it’s times like these that remind me why I hate this woman,” chuckled Jerry while rolling his eyes, at which point the crowd gathered in the room broke out into a round of supportive applause.