Monthly Archives: May 2012
If Richard Isn’t Going to Show Any Skin, I’ll Find a New Ophelia
By: William Shakespeare
Oh Richard? A word good sir. I fear you have done yourself some wrong. ‘Twas fresh in murmur that thee will not stand and unfold thyself during my second act. Is that anything now?
For what reason, I beseech you? Dost thou fear people will not see thee as an actor of great esteem? Dost thou rest in the branches, this role in the bushes?
Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all. The sin of your ingratitude weighs heavy on me. If I say sooth, thou art a mocker of my labour. No man giveth a mule’s dung to hear the rumblings from thy mouth. It is the bosom, thy bosom I say! Sidebosom shall not suffice.
I brought life to plays for the Queen while thou was stilleth in swaddling. Thou art not but another piece of youthful flesh, and I dare say I have tasted the sweet nectars of every blossom betwixt London and Edinburgh. I shall procure onst more!
Thou thinkest I am in sport, in jest? Seek out James, Jonathan, Henry, and they shall praytell. Walketh now and you shan’t act in this town again. Thoust but another common pauper without me. Please, spare me thy waterworks.
Be it as you shall privately determine. I must retire to my quarters. Knock first.
I’m Just Looking for a Juicy Piece of Ass Tonight
By: A Mosquito
Excuse me, you wouldn’t happen to have seen any fine, scantily-clad women walking by recently, have you? Forgive me for being so forward, but all I want to do tonight is stick it in a nice ass.
To be honest, I haven’t gotten any ass in the longest time. Certainly, there is much to appreciate about the female body. Those thighs, breasts, and faces are all quite delectable, I assure you. In addition, I’ve had my share of men in the past, I must admit. However, you as well as I know that there is no better feeling than returning home after penetrating a nice, tender ass. As such, you could hardly blame me for engaging on this late-night quest to get some female ass.
Regrettably, people often label me sub-human because of the way in which I single-mindedly pursue juicy, young females in their prime. Believe me, I wish I could be more well-rounded a creature. I long that I could sit down with a nice young lady, drink a cup of coffee with her, and ask her about her family life. However, I’m not so lucky. It’s as if I am programmed by nature to look only at the physical aspects of the women I pursue. I’ll just be minding my own business one night when, all of a sudden, my subconscious rises up and declares, “Go stick in that fine young woman walking by!” And off I go. As much as my conscious mind might protest, “That’s somebody’s daughter!” I find myself unable to stop. It’s as if I have no control over my actions.
So by now, you must understand my dilemma. I have a terrible craving to “eat out” tonight, if you catch my drift, and I was hoping you could tell me where I might find a hot, juicy piece of ass. There is no need to fret over the women I pursue, for I have been tested countless times, and I assure you that I am free of all transmittable diseases.
Oh wait! Here comes a fine young specimen now. You must excuse me, for I believe I shall get lucky tonight!
Hey baby, where you goin’?
I Don’t Want to See Another Vagina After 5 PM
By: A Male Gynecologist
Hailey, I completely understand that you feel that a healthy relationship between a man and his wife should include a steady diet of sexual intercourse, but if you don’t mind, darling, I’d rather leave my work at the office. I know you think waiting blindfolded and tied to the bed for me to get home is a turn-on, but seriously, baby, put that away. Why don’t you put on something nice – like gratuitous amounts of clothing – while I wash the day’s sights and smells away with a hot shower.
No, babe, I don’t want you to join me. I’m not kidding, I really don’t want to see your vagina, or any other hooha for that matter. Do you think that funeral home directors enjoy chatting about death over dinner? Or that mechanics like to go home and work on their own car all night? Well just like them, I have no interest in flushing your oil pan tonight. For God’s sake, Hailey, I’d just like to have 12 vagina-free hours for once in my life.
Sure, there was a time when I couldn’t get enough of your snatch. But right now, I’ve looked at one too many pussies.
Cheating on you? Baby, that’s the last thing I want to do. Truly, I’d rather die than sleep with a woman. You may think I have every guy’s dream job, but rest assured, it’s not all peaches and cream. I spend all day holed up in that office with vaginas of all shapes, smells, and fungal infections – so I hope you can understand why sight of you right now makes me want to go blind.
Aw baby, please don’t cry. Listen, if it’ll make you happy, I can push your pap exam up a couple months and give that clam some professional attention. How does that sound? Tomorrow morning? My schedule’s tight, but there may be an opening.
