Monthly Archives: July 2012
CLEVELAND – Despite repeated attempts, bookstore clerk and avid historian Brian Kemp has failed to coax several of his closest friends to join him in his quest to participate in a reenactment of the Iraq War.
“There was no way I was going to that thing,” explained friend Devin Young, “so I told him that even if I wanted to go, I didn’t have enough money to get camouflage pants at the Army- Navy store, and he just yelled at me that ‘you don’t go to war reenactments with the army surplus gear you want, you go to war reenactments with the army surplus gear you have.’”
Kemp then attempted to rally the friends around what they have always had in common. “I mean, we’re all huge fans of Hootie and the Blowfish – that’s kind of what our friendship is based on – and so we’ve followed the band around to various concerts across the country,” explained friend Phil Blanchard. “So he tried telling us that Darius Rucker was going to be there, but it didn’t make any fucking sense that Darius Rucker would be at an Iraq War reenactment.”
The friends admitted that they did initially believe Kemp when he produced a copy of a poster for the reenactment that included Rucker’s name and likeness. ”Turns out he made it in Photoshop,” said friend Ted Kirkland.
After being spurned by Kirkland, Young and Blanchard, Kemp moved on to others he thought might be more willing to participate. According to Young, “He told us he didn’t consider us friends anymore, and that he always knew he could count on the guys who worked at his bookstore, which is bullshit, ’cause he’s never hung out with them before.”
The friends later learned that Kemp had been ejected from the event after failing to abide by the agreed-upon rules.
“I mean it wasn’t even his event, and he totally confused everybody by mixing up the teams,” recalled Blanchard. “I think the host threw him out.”
When asked how they planned on expressing their displeasure with Kemp, the friends agreed that they would probably just bury the matter.
“I guess I’d we’d rather focus on making sure he’ll never try and pull anything like this again,” reasoned Kirkland, “but then again we said the same thing after the Vietnam War reenactment.”
By: A Diag Tree
Seriously, guys? All I wanted was to wake up from a nice, long winter dormancy without finding a bunch of natural- fiber-wearing monkeys climbing all over me. But no, the first day of spring rolls around, and you guys show up hell-bent on turning me into some kind of stoner jungle gym.
Look, I’m no pussy willow. I’ve taken my fair share of hits from incompetent Frisbee throwers and careless groundskeepers who never should have been allowed near a ridea- mower in the first place. But do you even understand all the shit I have to put up with on a daily basis?
For starters, I’m practically a hotel for squirrels, who – let’s not forget – survive by eating my fucking offspring. That’s right. I involuntarily house the murderers of my own children. I think it’s pretty clear I don’t need any more squatters. To add insult to injury, some of you people apparently think I look like a really convenient urinal at 3 a.m. I swear, some days I wish a bolt of lightning would just put me out my misery. And now I can’t even sit back, relax, and get some sun on my leaves without you longhaired commies stringing me up to another tree just so you can live out your Cirque du Soleil fantasies – or whatever the hell the purpose of slacklining is.
And don’t even get me started on hammocks. Can’t you people build your liberal love nests at your co-ops or something? The last thing I want to see on a sunny day is a writhing mass of dreadlocks and hemp bracelets. When I was just a sapling, we had respectable men like Rutherford B. Hayes in the White House and a country to rebuild. There was no time for lollygagging around in hammocks all day. Get a job, you dirty hippies.
And you can keep your hugs – I want my personal space back.
SOUTHWEST CHINA – Chinese officials remain flabbergasted at how easily Tibetan monks have been catching on fire these days. Over 30 monks from the southern Chinese province has died from burn-related deaths over the past year, which the Chinese government has failed to associate with its brutal repression of Tibetan culture. “I have no clue what’s going on here,” claimed Zhang Wei, China’s Culture Minister. “We here in the Chinese government had no clue that monks are so susceptible to spontaneous combustion.” While befuddled by this new problem, the Chinese government was quick to ponder ways of profiting from these monks’ high-energyoutput capacity. “As the hunt for ‘clean energy’ has heated up, we’ve been trying to explore alternative fuel sources,” Zhang noted. “So far, Tibetan monks remain our best bet. After all, it would be cruel to waste the energy their naturally-explosive condition produces.” Chinese officials remain concerned about the depths of their Tibetan monk reserves. Government economists project, however, that their supplies will last through 2015. In related news, the Chinese are also trying to figure out why all these anti-government bloggers keep locking themselves in secluded, high-security prisons while performing torturous punishments on their own bodies.
BUTTE, Mont. – Shedding light on the state of habitual shame that defines his very existence, Tyler Wendall found it necessary to issue an apology to junior Mark Dagley after having several of his metatarsal bones crushed under Dagley’s size-12 sneakers. Despite the fact that he was standing entirely stationary and at a safe difference from the general flow of traffic at the time of the collision, Wendall felt embarrassed to have even been involved in the incident, likely due to his clear preference for external approval over personal dignity. Further resigning himself to the trend of self-loathing that had already been established for the day, Wendall later phoned his ex-girlfriend to apologize for being so insufferably reliable that she felt the need to add some excitement to her life by hooking up with a cashier at the convenience store down the street.
PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Ph.D. candidate William Bettis this past weekend rewatched for the third time season one of HBO’s acclaimed series The Wire, as part of his ongoing research for an upcoming Craigslist exchange.
The Wire’s first season sets a fictional cops-vs-gangs dynamic against the non-fictionally terrifying streets of West Baltimore, Maryland. Bettis, however, grew up in Providence, a city whose only resemblance to Baltimore lies in the fact that its murder count is computed by statisticians at Brown University.
“I’m just trying to make sure this all goes off without a hitch,” said Bettis, when asked for his rationale. “There’s a lot on the line, gotta make sure to keep the heat off us, watch our backs,” he continued, referring to the planned sale of his WHITE 60GB iPOD W/ HEADPHONES ($125) to another graduate student at the University.
Bettis – whose most dangerous experience to date was the time he braved a crosswalk without waiting for the “walk” signal – is hoping to use the show’s gritty portrayal of the heroin trade in West Baltimore to brush up on his street sense in advance of the exchange, which is set to take place at a local Starbucks.
After a close watch of episode six, in which detectives secure their first wiretap, Bettis traveled to what he called the “drop spot” to ensure that a bug had not been planted there. Starbucks employees acknowledge that they found the behavior odd, though according to shift manager Clare Fleischmann, “he looked like he might have been cleaning gum off from under the tables, which is fine by us.” Bettis warns that he suspects Fleischmann may be undercover, however, and suggests that she not be trusted.
At press time Bill McGowan, the eventual purchaser of the iPhone, was home watching reruns of CSI trying to figure out the best way to get away with robbing and murdering Bettis.
Law School Doesn’t Really Care If Undergraduates Study in Library After Falling in U.S. News & World Report Rankings
AIKENS COMMONS – One month after U.S. News & World Report released its 2012 law school rankings, the University of Michigan Law School continues to struggle to accept its three-spot drop to number 10. Reports describe a general atmosphere of neglect, including a relaxation on policies restricting undergraduate access to the library.
When directly asked whether or not he condoned the presence of the undergrads in the reading room during prohibited hours, Dean Evan Caminker put down his glass of Maker’s Mark and quietly responded that “[he doesn’t] give a damn who sits where anymore,” before returning to polishing his WWII-era Luger while staring out into the Law Quad through his office window.
The malaise has extended beyond the Dean’s Office, as Head Librarian Margaret Dixon admitted that she has completely disregarded the proper filing system and simply places books on the shelf closest to the cutest man in the room, adding, “the Dewey Decimal System just isn’t something a number-ten school worries about.”
The school has reportedly fallen behind on utilities payments as well, and the energy company has threatened to shut off its gas and electricity supply within the next month. At a recent Board of Trustees meeting, Assistant Dean David Baum suggested that “after falling from what appears to be our peak at number seven, we’ve probably gotten all that we can out of her,” before describing his proposal to burn the school down for the insurance money.
As of press time, Assistant Dean Baum could be found in the Law Quad driving tee shots into the library’s stained glass windows, noting that “[he's] got to get some swings in before the grass gets any higher.” When asked if the school’s downward spiral would have any implications for lower tuition, he briefly looked up from his stance to reply “abso-fucking-lutely
A DARK EMOTIONAL ABYSS—Sophomore Brian Thompson reports that his roommate, Carl Landry, has fallen in a small emotional crisis after running into Leslie Wagner, who they both grew up with, at a party last weekend.
“Look you don’t understand,” Landry repeatedly told his roommate after the encounter. “Leslie and I went out in 4th grade, and there’s still a lot of emotional baggage between us.”
Thompson figured that Landry had simply had one too many drinks and was overreacting. However, the problem continued afterwards, as Landry refused to even get out of bed the next morning.
“She opened up my world sexually!” Landry tearfully yelled from within his locked bedroom. “I still remember the day when we held hands behind the gym bleachers. I’ve never felt the same way about another girl.”
Since then, Thompson notes that his roommates conditioned has slightly improved, although Landry has still not left the house in five days. Instead, he spends the majority of his time spooning mouthfuls of ice cream into his oral edifice, while repetitively watching the scene from the “Hey Arnold!: The Movie” where Helga and Arnold finally kiss.
“You think something’s going to last forever, but then it all comes crashing down around you,” Landry sobbed into his half-gallon of Ben and Jerry’s Whirled Peace. “The thing that hurt me the most was the fact that she was all over that other guy last weekend, pretending like nothing had ever happened between us.”
Sadly, Thompson admits, this type of crisis is nothing new for his roommate. In addition to Ms. Wagner, Landry has developed maladaptive emotional attachments to over half of his casual female friends, his Spanish teacher, Thompson’s mother, and the card-swipe girl at MoJo’s dining hall, who once smiled at him and told him to “Have a nice weekend.”
CAMPUS – In an effort to aid in the search for elusive criminals, the Ann Arbor Department of Public Safety has encouraged their team to work with different approaches to identify criminals’ identities. Veering away from the traditional pen-and-paper style, Jeff Reynolds, the head sketch artist, has decided to dabble in watercolors, still life, romantic, and acrylic styles.
“We want Jeff to let his creativity flow,” explained Christopher Barbour, a head DPS officer. “He’s a very talented young man, and we don’t want to set any limits on where his sketches can take him, or even where his sketches can take his subjects – though we prefer jail.”
Reynolds, a former art history and lead-based paint major, is exited to begin work on his next piece, one based on the severe angles and time-elapsed effects of analytical cubism. The project’s goal is to capture the inner evil and fractured nature of criminals.
“I’m really looking forward to seeing how the convict’s face turns out this time,” grinned Reynolds. “I’ve really evolved from my post-impressionist period and hope to speak to the suspect’s overall attitude and plight.”
Reynolds’ first piece in an abstract style – an epiphany for the artist – depicted two dark stripes of blue and several tan dots and was titled Larcenist in Blue. “These paintings are what I love to do, and if Larcenist in Blue helps catch a notorious villain, well, I’d say that’s a perk.”
Many within the department are excited to see the forthcoming completion of Reynolds’ work. “With free reign over so many different artistic techniques,” said Barbour, “we feel as though Jeff will be able to create some really great pieces, accurately capturing the criminal and all of his unsightly characteristics.”
When asked about his future plans for the infamous face, Reynolds responded with a twinkle in his eye. He explained he’d like to experiment with neo-classicism, though he’s not ruling out the possibility of forays into rococo or Dutch genre painting.
EAST QUAD – In an effort to support campus sustainability initiatives, the Residential Dining staff has introduced breast milk as a beverage option for the East Quad Dining Hall. The cafeteria’s large silver milk machine that previously contained only 2 percent, skim, and chocolate milk, now also dispenses the breast milk of free-range women who have been born and raised in Southeastern Michigan, and have been fed a strictly organic diet. Owing to its local, USDA-approved organic production and lack of preservatives or chemicals, the breast milk has received abundant praise from the East Quad community, RC students, environmentally-conscious Ann Arborites, animal rights activists who find the use of cow’s milk unethical, and all other types of pretentious “foodie” assholes.
“Breast milk is a healthy, local option, and we’re excited and honored to be the first dining hall on campus to have it available,” said East Quad cafeteria manager Gloria Thomas. “It’s all-natural and ethical – we don’t use any of that breast milk that comes from those industrial facilities where it’s all mass-produced. Our women have had total freedom to roam. They’re happy women, with happy milk.”
“Titty milk? Oh yeah. I’m all for it,” sophomore Bradley Kline enthusiastically stated.
Ann Arbor native and new mommy Sara Thornburg is one of East Quad’s most generous donors. “Each week, I bring a batch of freshly pumped milk down to campus. I’m really proud to be supporting such a sustainable movement – there are so many women producing milk, and there’s absolutely no cost. Nothing could be more natural,” she said. When asked if she had tasted her own milk, Thornburg replied that she, her partner Todd, and their newborn, Lulu, all drink her milk regularly. She says it is light and sweet-tasting, with a hint of vanilla in the aftertaste.
Residential College student Emma Wilson was initially skeptical, but after trying it out, she is now overjoyed with the breast milk, “I totally love it – I put it in my cereal, coffee, hot chocolate, everything. It weirded me out at first, but now, I’m just hoping my mom is open to the idea of providing me with some when I come home for Thanksgiving.”
THE UNION – LSA junior Marcus Quinn, whose stated requirements for sexual partners bears a striking resemblance to the dictionary definition for “human,” spent nearly 45 minutes on Wednesday closely inspecting his order of Wendy’s french fries, casting aside those with even the slightest blemish or inconsistency.
Quinn’s obsessive selectivity not only runs in sharp contrast to his willingness to sleep with a woman based on the same criteria more often used by doctors or paramedics when determining whether a patient is alive, but also contradicts his apparent lack of concern for even rudimentary personal hygiene and appearance. Friends note that while Quinn rarely sets foot in a shower, unless for a post-coital rinse with a vaguely-human specimen of nearly indeterminate gender, he adamantly refuses to eat anything that hasn’t passed his own rigorous inspection.
Despite refusing to consume any produce that wasn’t locally-grown and purchased at a farmer’s market, Quinn has no similar principles for vetoing sexual partners based on where they’ve been previously, even once coupling with an older woman who admitted to being a groupie for Pearl Jam in the late ‘90s.
After discarding half of his dinner on the basis that it didn’t meet his particular specifications, Quinn proceeded to send a mass text to everyone on his contact list with a feminine-sounding name asking if they’d like to meet up later.