Monthly Archives: August 2012

Ypsilanti’s Step-Sister City Shows up At Doorstep Looking for a Couch to Sleep On

The City of Ypsilanti

YPSILANTI – After being awoken by the fourth knock, the city of Ypsilanti crawled out of bed last Thursday evening to find its Step-Sister City, Hilliard, Florida, standing on its front porch in the middle of the rain. Hilliard apologized for not calling ahead of time, but added that it had just been driving through the neighborhood in its 12 passenger Ford Econoline van and decided to stop by.

While Ypsilanti had not seen its Step-Sister City in well over a decade, the township overlooked the fact that it was just passed 3 in the morning in light of the bond the two had formed after spending their childhood suffering unimaginable abuses at the hand of Hilliard’s alcoholic father.

“I mean, I couldn’t really say no,” reasoned Ypsilanti, “She seemed to have been going through a lot of stuff lately. Her unemployment rate is skyrocketing and I think she might have a bit of a drug problem. I’ve got my own shit I’m dealing with too, but you can’t turn away family.”

The rural Florida town insisted she only needed a blanket and a couch, but Ypsilanti demanded Hilliard sleep in her bed until the two could figure out a more permanent living arrangement.

“I’m just trying to get her back on her feet,” explained Ypsilani, “She’s on the verge of being placed under Emergency Management, and I’m not going to let that happen. There are a lot of vocational schools around here that I think could help her improve herself, if that’s what she wanted.”

As of this morning Hilliard was reportedly crossing into Missouri, and the city of Ypsilanti is currently inquiring as to the whereabouts of the emergency money it keeps hidden in the toilet tank.

School of Too Much Information to Host Panel on Your Grandparents’ Attempts to Rekindle Their Sex Life

WEST HALL – As part of an ongoing lecture series, the School of Too Much Information gathered on Wednesday to discuss the nuances of elderly couple Arthur and Lenore Ford’s recent experimentation with beta blockers and sexual lubricant.

“The School of Too Much Information has long prided itself on exploring the topics other departments found unworthy of discussing at dinner tables, or really any other table. We believe this event continues our commitment to divulging intensely personal information in a public setting.”

Included in panel was the Ford’s first son, Michael, who presented the results of his 32 year-long case study on inadvertent coital walk-ins, a project he began at the age of 6. Also included in the talk was Patrick Morrow, the man who has lived below the Ford’s in apartment 1A for the past 8 months.

“I am pleased to speak to you all today about what impact, if any, the Ford’s love re-launch will have on my ability to watch the 6pm Sportscenter in peace.”

The second half of the seminar focused on some of the lesser known scientific aspects of geriatric love-making, the highlight of which came when Dr. Gregory Porter explained the impact a diet consistently solely of mint-chocolate-chip ice-cream and macaroons has on sexual performance

The Q&A session went as anticipated, with most audience members choosing to probe panelists with questions about what the weather forecast is supposed to be or what movies they had seen lately.

Conspicuously absent from the seminar were Mr. and Mrs. Ford themselves, who claimed the talk conflicted with the airing of an NYPD Blue re-run.

Entire Senior Class Leaves for California Without Telling Ben Affleck

SOUTH BOSTON – After four years of laying brick and solving complex equations during the night shift at the math department, the entire University of Michigan senior class has up and left for California without so much as a goodbye to lifelong friend, Ben Affleck. The twenty-two year-old fuckup had arrived, as he did every morning, to pick up the senior class and drive to their demolition job, only to find that the dilapidated house was empty and there was no note left to explain, although, Affleck would admit, no note was even necessary.

The entire class, while assured of the eventuality of its achieving great things, is not yet prepared to be constrained by the yoke of “society’s expectations.” Grand, sweeping changes will come soon enough, but now is the time for the class to be bold and to make the hard choices, rather than succumb to the pressures of the inferior masses and take that high-paying, well-respected job that most other people would kill for in an economic recession like today.

The seniors decided to drive out to California on a whim in order to pursue its emotionally damaged and remarkably accepting girlfriend, and/or to open a medical marijuana dispensary.

This type of irrationality has plagued the senior class since its early years in elementary school, when it knew a kid who was beaten by his foster parents and suffered from a fear of abandonment. That child’s suffering projected itself onto the senior class, who itself, despite a nurturing and supportive upbringing, bore the emotional scars of its less fortunate classmate. These psychological problems reached a head when the senior class got into a physical altercation with its court-ordered psychiatrist.

With months of intensive counseling completed, the senior class had a miraculous breakthrough on the final day when it realized that the circumstances in which it found itself were, point of fact, not its fault.

Finally confident in its decision to turn down that coveted think-tank position, the senior class hopped in the 1978 Chevelle its childhood friends had purchased for it, popped in the Elliott Smith CD, and rode off into the hazy Boston sunrise, full of promise and a complete lack of self-awareness.

Landmark Construction Worker Takes Pride in Building Home for Overprivileged Kids

LANDMARK SITE – During a union-mandated lunch break at the site of the unfinished Landmark luxury apartments, construction worker Barry Mullan revealed that, in his quiet moments, he can’t help but take solace in the fact that he is providing the most affluent students on campus with a place they can call their home.

“You know, when us ironworkers lay down an I-beam, I can’t help but think how one day that piece of metal is going to support an entire floor of tanning beds for these kids to relax in after an hour-and-a-half’s worth of studying Spanish, and that means a lot to me,” reflected Mullan, who insists that he is not the only one who feels that way.

“I’ll never forget the time we were working on the 7th story and I told our foreman that someone had forgotten to put up sheet rock on half of the exterior walls,” recalled laborer Paul Kuzneski. “He told me that’s because we were going to install 12-foot floor-to-ceiling windows in all the master bedrooms. That’s when I got this really warm feeling inside.”

While many of the men have worked on multiple campus projects, most are in agreement that the Landmark apartments have been their most satisfying experience.

“Sure, I’ve worked on [the C.S.] Mott [Hospital], we all have,” remarked crane operator Tino Bianchi, “and it was great to put together a state-of-the-art hospital that’ll save a lot of kids. But I’ll tell you what, I’ve had thoughts about what that day is going to be like when I finally hoist those two hot tubs onto the outdoor entertainment deck…nothing but goose bumps.”

Carpenter Ned Saunders noted that seeing the faces of the future tenants is always a boost to morale.

“Whenever we hop across the street to pick up some coffee at Starbucks, less than half of the kids in there look up at us in disgust before returning to their MacBooks, and that always puts a spring in our step.”

“Hell,” added flagman Danny O’Connor, “sometimes when I’m out in the street holding the ‘caution’ sign, the kids drop their Audis down to about 30 or 35 and do their best to avoid clipping my pelvis with their side mirrors. You can tell they’re pulling for us.”

“Some people look at the site and all they see is a bunch of metal and sheetrock, but I don’t,” said Mullan. “I see a home. A home that, as a 42-year-old grown man, I still can’t afford to live in.”