Monthly Archives: September 2012

Is It Weird If I’m Having Sexual Fantasies About My Car’s GPS System?

By Elton Ashfeld

Honestly, I know it might seem strange that I’ve been fantasizing about the voice on my Toyota Corolla’s in-car navigation system, but there’s just something about that voice of hers that really turns me on. I mean, Claire – that’s her name, you see – she just has this incredibly sexy British accent. It’s like a cross between Kate Middleton and Stephen Hawking. I’ve always had a weakness for bossy women, so when Claire spends an entire day ordering me around, it just drives me wild.

Now, I realize that most of you are probably thinking that I’ve only known her for a month or so, but I don’t think anyone can judge me until they’ve felt the sort of connection I’ve experienced with Claire. Sometimes, I feel that I could spend all day staring into her route map, and I know her so well, I can often tell what’s she’s going to say even before she says it. I can tell she’s into me too. Why else would she keep telling me to enter her roundabout?

Claire.

Lately though, it’s gotten to the point that I can’t even concentrate at work. I spend all my time thinking about what I would do with Claire if we ever got a moment alone – away from my wife and kids. Oh sure, I would play it really slow with her. First I’d just caress her gently, browsing through her “Attractions” menu to get her excited. Then, when she’s all nice and turned on, I’d slide her out of that protective coat and slip my fingers in her auxiliary cable jack. From there, I’d let her talk dirty, telling me to “Continue On Route” as I go to town on her. Oh god, I go numb at the thought of that climax, the moment when she screams out in her wickedly sensual monotone, “Arriving At Destination.” The thought of that moment is enough to rile up any man.

I just hope Siri never finds out.

Originally published: September 2012

Why I’m Voting for Mitt Romney

By Hurricane Isaac


In the final days of August, my future as a hurricane looked bleak. The liberal media did their best to downplay my success – success that I worked hard to achieve. Ever since I was a little gust of wind growing up in Central America, I’ve been told that the United States, this golden land of opportunity, would provide for any and all willing to work for it.

And boy did I work for it. After moving out to the ocean to follow my dream, I got a entry-level position as a bit of warm, moist air. I put in the hours, saved up, did everything by the book. And finally, one day, my big break came along. A high-pressure system in my surrounding region caused me to rise up to my full potential, which led to my promotion to cumulonimbus cloud.

Soon, meteorologists began to take notice, and things just took off from there. Gosh, I remember the first time I heard someone refer to me as a hurricane; I swelled up with pride so big I engulfed half of the Dominican Republic. I was declared a Category 1 hurricane by the time I got back to the shores of the United States. Neither of my parents ever made it past tropical storm. They’d be so proud; their son had made it.

But my joy was short-lived. As I moved swiftly across this once-great nation, I was saddened to see that the America before me was broken shell of the homeland that I had left behind. I began to slow down until I was eventually stopped in my tracks. I had failed. I lost all of the momentum that I had worked my whole life to build up. I just didn’t understand how a country that was so prosperous just four years ago could be such a monumental inhibitor of growth.

Two days after my landfall, I became tropically depressed. I was cooped up in an old Louisiana motel, flipping through channels, trying to soak up what I had just experienced. It was then that I saw a man named Mitt Romney speak about how he is going to restore greatness to this nation. I was touched by his relatability, poise, and strong sense of right and wrong. Every word rang true, every sentence left me on the edge of my seat, and every applause line made me cry as if someone released the levees in my eye.
As I look back on my quest to ravage this nation, I realized that it is not a task we can do alone. Stand behind Romney. Tell your friends. Get out to vote. Because if we work together and succeed on November 6 in electing Mitt Romney, we will succeed in putting more poor people underwater than all of the hurricanes in the world combined.

Originally published: September 2012

It’s Not You, It’s Me (and My Homicidal Tendencies)

By Nick Wiltshire

Look, I feel awful about what’s happening between us. Honestly, you didn’t do anything to deserve this. You were just walking through life minding your own business, then you somehow got all tangled up with me.

Well, I guess tied up would be more accurate. Specifically, tied up in the back of my windowless van. Honestly, I feel horrible about this. I do this to every woman who lets me get close; within grabbing distance, anyway.

There’s gotta be something wrong with me. I guess there is, according to the state psychiatrist. She called it Antisocial Personality Disorder, I think. What I’m saying is I’m damaged goods, baby. It’s like I should have a warning sign around my neck that says “I Will Literally Kidnap and Murder You” or something.

Please, stop crying. I know it hurts – I tied those pretty tight – but you’ll find someone else in no time, someone who’ll treat you right. There’ll be a whole search party looking for you after you don’t show up at work for a couple days, and who knows, maybe Mr. Right will be among them.
Whatever happens, babe, just promise me this. Never forget the moments we shared, no matter how hard you try.

Originally published: September 2012

Icebreakers Point-Counterpoint

Point: Studies Show That Icebreakers Foster Energetic and Meaningful Discussion
By ANTHROCUL 321.003 GSI

The first day of section really sets the tone for the rest of the semester. In order to create a productive learning environment, research shows that it’s important to dispel any anxiety or discomfort and engage students in interacting freely from the get-go.

The best way to do this, according to a vast body of literature, is to break the ice with an interesting question that allows students to establish themselves as individuals within the group. The key is to get students to reveal aspects of their personality without making them feel uncomfortable, so it’s important to keep it light: studies have found that stuffy questions like “What’s your major?” tend to have very little success. A playful question like “If you were ice cream, what flavor would you be?”, on the other hand, will inspire humorous, creative responses that will build a sense of community and get students warmed up for more purposeful, intellectual discussion.

Counterpoint: Goddamnit, Not the Ice Cream One

By ANTHROCUL 321.003

If we were ice cream?! Jesus, it’s the first day of section – let’s knock this out in ten minutes and get on with our day. Better yet, why don’t you just move past the “classroom engagement techniques” Google found for you last night so we don’t have to pretend to learn each other’s names? How about a quick little “I’m Steve and I’m a psych major” introduction? What’s with this ice cream shit?

Okay, so maybe you fell asleep watching The Dating Game last night and your sleepy, addled mind latched on to the last question you heard. But, let’s face it, we’re not nearly as excited about it as the audience was. To be frank, nothing kills our desire to participate in purposeful, intellectual discussion like being forced to compare ourselves to food.
Please, ask us something else, anything else – mother’s maiden name? Favorite place on campus? Darkest moment from your childhood? Come on, just make this quick.

Originally published: September 2012

Ethiopian Prime Minister Dies Before Being Killed in Bloody Coup

ADDIS ABABA – Meles Zenawi, Prime Minister of Ethiopia since 1995, died peacefully in his sleep Monday shortly before being brutally murdered by the Oromo Peoples’ Liberation Front, said provisional government officials. Following Zenawi’s death by natural causes, the OPLF proudly placed his head on a spike and then seized control of the Ethiopian government, marking the third successful African coup d’état since last Tuesday.

“We are grateful to God that the oppressor Zenawi is dead,” said OPLF leader Tigrayan Zewditu in a communiqué. “For too long this man has starved our children, kept our proud country impoverished, and stolen our wealth. Now, as a result of the OPLF’s heroic actions, plus a stomach bug Zenawi picked up while vacationing in Monaco, this tyrant is gone forever.”

Zenawi, who led this impoverished nation for 18 years, was swept into office in 1995 following an accidental outbreak of free and fair elections. His administration, which had started with hope and youthful fervor, quickly disintegrated into despair, dishonesty, and corruption. After his narrow reelection in 2001 – his campaign slogan, “Ethiopia: We’re Not Somalia” remains popular here – he dissolved the parliament and instituted martial law. Still, surrounded by neighbors like Sudan, South Sudan, and all other soon-to-be-independent parts of Sudan, Zenawi’s Ethiopia was widely recognized as a paragon of stability in the region.

Although the official cause of death was an acute infection of influenza B, Zenawi’s passing was quickly accompanied by several stab wounds to his face, chest, and groin. According to the Ethiopian surgeon general, a man who studied a year of dentistry in Eritrea, Zenawi quietly passed away at 10:18 p.m., just minutes before the OPLF burst through the National Palace doors and riddled his body with bullets.

As of press time, there was no word on whether the OPLF plans to change the state’s official name, the Federal Democratic Republic of Ethiopia, to something more befitting a country that is neither federal, democratic, nor a republic.

Originally published: September 2012

‘How to Not Kill Your Instructor’ Course Added to Afghan Police Training

KABUL – Following seven Coalition deaths at the hands of Afghan police trainees in August alone, instructors here are struggling with how to keep their own students from ruthlessly gunning them down in so-called “green-on-blue” attacks.

“Part of the blame has to be laid on us,” said NATO Commander John Allen. “But we’ve got a dynamite new system in place now. For instance, we now ask all potential recruits: are you, or have you ever been, a jihadist hell-bent on expelling foreign devils from your ancestral homeland? If they answer yes, it’s a pretty good indication they aren’t well-suited for the Afghan police force. So we refer them to the local fire department instead.”

“We tried to make it a little more fun too,” said Allen. “A lot of the time, we think these trainees are just zoning out when we get to that boring stuff about how not to shoot your U.S. Army instructor. So now we play more games like ‘Should you shoot that guy?’ and a version of Jeopardy! where all the questions are about Coalition uniforms.”

In particular, the police instructors have been told to stop using Qurans for target practice, which Allen said “wasn’t really doing anyone any good anyhow.”
“Everyone is talking about this problem, what with the Afghan police killing Americans every other day now,” sighed Allen as he tore off another day from his wall calendar counting down to the withdrawal. “If I didn’t know any better, I would say that they don’t even want us here anymore.”

Originally published: September 2012

North Korea Successfully Launches Invisible Missile

FROM THE KOREAN CENTRAL NEWS AGENCY – The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has successfully tested a Songun I invisible intercontinental ballistic missile, announced Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un in a statement earlier today. The missile, which evaded detection by the American imperialists and the occupying government in Seoul, orbited the Earth three times, reversed direction in mid-air, then obliterated its practice target in North Hwanghae Province.

While the Great Successor’s strength of vision was never in question, the incontrovertible proof of this successful launch constitutes his greatest achievement since the Young Master defeated the capitalist swine Joey Chestnut in a contest to consume the greatest number of hot dogs in 60 seconds. The Brilliant Comrade trounced his inferior American opponent by eating a remarkable 846.

In unrelated news, the Public Health Ministry’s imaginary food program has been deemed a rousing success after providing over ten million “meals” to needy North Korean citizens, who have most certainly not since died of starvation.

Originally published: September 2012

Germany Announces ‘Final Solution’ to European Debt Crisis

WANNSEE, BERLIN – German Chancellor Angela Merkel this morning announced a comprehensive plan to end the ongoing European debt crisis, calling the program a “final solution” to a problem that has embroiled Europe for years.

“For too long – too long I say! – the hard-working, industrious German master race has been held down by unscrupulous moneychangers and the profligate spending of inferior races. But that will all soon come to an end. Today, I announce a grand plan for the salvation of Germany and, indeed, the world. At long last, this plan represents a final solution to our shared burden,” said Merkel, by way of introduction.

While Chancellor Merkel’s speech was short on specifics, a 41-page document provided to the press outlined Berlin’s bold call to action. First and foremost, the plan calls for the “rounding-up and systematic liquidation” of millions of the lesser sovereign bonds issued by debtor European governments. The Deutsche Bundesbank, Germany’s central bank, intends to purchase these bonds on the open market, ship them by rail to covert sites throughout eastern Europe, and incinerate the paper certificates in purpose-built chambers.

“Concentrating and destroying these insidious assets is in the best interest of Germany, Europe, and the world,” said German Finance Minister Heinrich Bormann. “The longer they remain out in the open, occupying the ghettos of our financial markets, the worse off we all will be. Under this pogrom – excuse me, program – all bonds purchased shall remain the property of the German race in perpetuity, or at least through Reichs Four, Five, and Six. Only thus shall we gain the financial living space that is essential for the triumph of the German will,” he added.

Reaction to the plan was mixed, with many of Germany’s closest allies, including Italy, Hungary, and Bulgaria, responding favorably. Others were less enthusiastic. Said University of Michigan professor of financial history Ralph Wallen-Berg, “Are we truly ready to entrust so much responsibility to the German government again?

Originally published: September 2012

David Schwimmer Wants to Remind You That He Got to Kiss Jennifer Aniston a Few Times

A DARK, LONELY ALLEYWAY, JUST OUTSIDE HOLLYWOOD – Former “actor” David Schwimmer, most “famous” for his role as Ross Geller on the television sitcom Friends, wants everybody to remember that he was allowed to repeatedly make out with Emmy-winning actress Jennifer Aniston during their fictional season-long romance. Schwimmer, who has apparently been out of work since 2006, delivered the rant while carelessly swinging a half-empty 40-ounce bottle of Colt 45 malt liquor.

“You up-and-coming actors these days, you all probably think I’m some talentless schmuck,” Schwimmer yelled at passers-by while seated beneath a flickering streetlight. “Did any of you get to hook up with Jennifer Aniston? I didn’t fucking think so.”

As his funds dry up and more and more of his Hollywood contacts “lose his number,” Schwimmer has clung to the fact that his lips were once instructed to make contact with a particularly attractive co-star as his last psychic sanctuary in this harsh, desolate world. He maintains this thimbleful of self-worth despite the closely-supervised nature of his “conquest” of Aniston, as well as her need to visit the nearest bathroom following every fictional romantic encounter between the two of them. Finally, sources close to Aniston maintain that she repeatedly asked for Schwimmer to be fired, and was actually fucking Matt LeBlanc in the storage closet during her time on Friends. To be fair, however, two minutes of staged kissing totally counts as a home run for David Schwimmer.

“Hey man, do you have anyway to get me a gig?” he asked this reporter while swaying from side to side. “At this point, I’d take any guest role on The CW.”

Schwimmer then promptly left to disrupt the bachelor party of Justin Theroux, an actual actor and director who is currently engaged to Aniston. Upon forcibly removing Schwimmer from his mansion, Theroux could be heard wondering why a homeless man who resembles Justin Long was trying to defend his fiancée’s honor.

Originally published: September 2012

Makers of ‘P90X’ Exercise Program Release ‘Talking2GirlsX’ Supplement

SANTA MONICA, Calif. – Beachbody LLC, producer of the popular workout videos Power 90 and Power 90 Extreme, has announced that it will release a new video series designed to enhance its customers’ social skills. The program, entitled Talking2GirlsX, will cater to the large number of P90X users whose adherence to a rigorous workout program has been unable to cure their malignant social awkwardness.

Explained P90X founder Tony Horton, “Here at Beachbody LLC, we realized that most of our customers believe that simply having a well-developed body is a quick ticket to the stain train. However, they still have trouble actually completing the necessary social interactions required to seal the deal. Here, take a look at this kid.”

At this point, Horton gestured to the customer testimonial of Adrian Cosari, an attractive muscular college student, who nevertheless had difficulty maintaining eye contact with the camera.

“Dear makers of P90X,” he stuttered. “I’m confused – I did all three phases of your workout plan, and I only subbed out Plyometrics for X Stretch like five times, but girls still won’t hop on my ‘D.’ If this is all because I used those gay bands instead of the pull-up bar, I want my money back.”

Horton explained that the new program will help customers like Cosari by building and toning their conversational skills through a demanding social workout. Talking2GirlsX offers five distinct programs, including “Asking About Her Family,” “Don’t Imagine Her Naked,” and – for more advanced clientele – “Avoiding the Cockblock.” These programs are rotated throughout the week to add sharpness, speed, and flexibility to their users’ communication abilities.

Above all, however, the new routine stresses the topics to avoid while talking to women. According to the video series, the biggest faux pas is actually talking about P90X. Explained Horton, “Nobody wants to know that you spend one hour by yourself each day, sweating to scantily-clad workout instructor. Trust me, that’s a bigger deal-breaker than syphilis.”

Originally published: September 2012