Monthly Archives: October 2012

Alzheimer’s Patients Outraged by Cuts in Research Funding, Cuts in Research Funding

NOT TOO SURE WHERE I AM – Following the disappointing failure of several high-profile Alzheimer’s disease treatments in clinical trials, the world’s leading pharmaceutical companies announced plans to scale back their neuroscience research programs, drawing fire from dementia advocates and patients alike.

John Waterson, an Alzheimer’s activist who suffers from the disease himself, delivered the keynote address at a fundraising event organized by his assisted living facility. “Now is not the time to back away from dementia research,” said Waterson. “But it is about time for the milkman to be showing up. He must be running late. How strange. Toby is usually never late. He’s a good colored boy. Can someone turn on the shortwave? I suspect the Japs are at it again.”

Waterson then rediscovered his notes and began discussing health care once again, starting over from the beginning of his speech.

Other activists took to the streets. Alzheimer’s patient Gladys Spilman lead a group to picket outside of Pfizer headquarters in New York, demanding that the company “Believe in a Cure” and “Impeach Nixon.” Fortunately, the NYPD was able to disperse the protesters peacefully by informing the muumuu-wearing mob of a Matlock marathon airing on WGN.

“It’s capitalism, plain and simple,” said former Pfizer chemist Eric Kelan. “Pfizer lost $750 million on their last dementia drug. The shareholders started getting antsy, so the company had to refocus its efforts on more profitable treatments, like lowering cholesterol and giving geriatrics boners. Thanks to Pfizer, you can rest assured your mind will fail you long before your heart or your sex life does.”

Originally published: October 2012

Ann Arbor Community Traumatized After Student Ruthlessly Presses ‘Reply All’

ANN ARBOR – In what some are calling the worst school tragedy since 2007, LSA sophomore Evan Corman viciously spammed over 10,000 innocent students on Monday by pressing “Reply All” in response to a student organization’s mass email.

The assault began at around 11:30 a.m., when Outdoor Adventures sent news of its upcoming ice cream social to a University listserv. The pleasant message of card games and chocolate swirls quickly took a horrifying turn, as Corman unleashed hell in only a matter of seconds.

His brief email, which contained the chilling message “dude take me off this list,” quickly prompted a barrage of copycat attacks. “Please don’t hit reply all when you’re responding to these; it’s really annoying. Also take me off pls,” reply-all’ed Mary Shirell.

Within minutes the effects of Corman’s electronic assault were felt across the entire campus, with students as far as Bursley reporting a fusillade of up to 1,500 spam messages each. “This guy is a real sicko,” said junior Michelle Rosen, whose best friend was mercilessly spammed over 300 times. “So callous, so cold,” she added morosely, referring to a second email sent by Corman only minutes after the first, which read “oops my bad lol.”

“We just wanted to get the word out about our meeting,” said Outdoor Adventures president John Beatrice, when asked about the massacre. “But not like this…never like this.”

The Department of Public Safety quickly sent out a Crime Alert informing students of the ongoing cyber-threat, immediately triggering thousands of PTSD-related flashbacks. The University’s email system remains on lockdown indefinitely.

Due to a controversial legal loophole, prosecutors are unable to charge Corman for Thursday’s acts of spamming in the first degree. Speaking before a hastily-assembled crowd of cable TV reporters, police commissioner Joseph Piersante said that there was nothing he could do.

“The law is the law, and unfortunately this monster’s actions were within its limits,” Commissioner Piersante said begrudgingly. After a long pause spent looking grimly off into the distance, he continued, “But scum like this…I have daughters of my own that will be in college someday. It almost makes me want to take the badge off and go find the son of a bitch myself.”

Originally published: October 2012

Thousands of People Presumably Aware of Syria Crisis Mourn Death of Fucking Baby Panda

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Nearly two weeks after the death of the National Zoo’s baby panda, people who most likely know that their fellow human beings are being shot and tortured right now by the Syrian military continued their panda-related outpourings of grief.

“What a cruel, cruel world,” said baby-panda fan Jackie Bergner, whose grandparents died in the Holocaust. “What kind of god could allow a thing like this to happen?”

The panda cub’s cause of death is yet unknown, putting it in sharp contrast with the 150 people we know for a fact also died that day from gunshots to the head, face, and torso. “This is just so sad,” said chief zookeeper Brian Dunham. “We had barely gotten to know her, because she died so young. And also because she was, you know, a panda.”

Susan Akehurst, whose own six-month-old daughter died of starvation while Akehurst was glued 24 hours a day to the live cam that showed the baby panda sleeping, called the event “tragic,” adding, “Hey, has anyone seen Violet?”

Earlier this week the National Zoo announced a baby-panda relief fund, which has already collected more dollars in donations than there are people still living in Syria.

 

Originally published: October 2012

World Trade Center Construction to be Completed Before Next Terrorist Attack

GROUND ZERO – Despite being years behind schedule and billions of dollars over budget, the One World Trade Center skyscraper is set to be completed before its absolute and total destruction in 2015 or 2016, said New York City officials.

“We know that you, residents of Manhattan, have long had many questions about the World Trade Center construction, like: When will the building be completed? What will the impact on West Side Highway traffic be? and Which shadowy Islamist terror group is going blow the goddamned thing up this time? Well, we’re happy to report that we are finally getting closer to the answers you’ve been looking for,” said Bloomberg administration spokesman Steven Forde.

“We know this whole project has taken quite a while, and it’s been frustrating for all of us, believe me. But when you’re building a state-of-the-art skyscraper with new safety features like truck-bomb-resistant parking garages and steel-reinforced stairwells, these things are bound to take time. It’s important that we have these new measures in place so that around 2015, when my successor is standing here on a smoldering pile of toxic rubble, he can shake his head solemnly and say, ‘We did all we could, men. We did all we could.’”

Re-reconstruction planning is already underway, officials say. For one, Port Authority architects have begun discussing a National September 11th Memorial & Museum Memorial & Museum, to commemorate the soon-to-be-obliterated National September 11th Memorial & Museum. And the issue is gaining national attention, as pressure begins to mount for Congress to start putting together a relief package for the second first responders.

“We will not be cowed by the cowardly crimes of criminals,” said Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg. “They attacked this sacred space once, and we endured. They attacked us a second time, and we rebuilt. When they attack us for the third time, we will most likely persevere.

“As the old saying goes, ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three thousand and two times – wait, where were we?”

Originally published: October 2012

Get the Fuck Out of My Seat, Dickhole!

By The Douchebag in Section 26, Row 31, Seat 53

Hey, brah. Yeah, you! You’re in my seat, pussy. You see my ticket? You see my smokin’ hot girlfriend’s ticket? What the fuck do they say, hombre? They say you’re in my goddamn seat!

Yeah, I know it’s the beginning of the second quarter? So what?! You think I’d show up on time like some sort of fag? No! I wouldn’t! Because I’m not a fag!

Oh, people always move up? People never stay in their seats? Well people also get punched in the goddamn face! I don’t care that someone else is in your seats. Look at me, brah. Look at my ripped biceps and the clumps of hair coming out of my cutoff shirt. Look at my smokin’ slam-piece, Nikki, in her hot neon pants and hot neon t-shirt and hot neon hat. You better start taking me seriously homeboy, and get the fuck out of my way.

I’m a senior, bitch! I do what I want! Oh, you think I should probably know by now that the stands fill up and people move forward at the start of the game? Yeah, you would think that, limpdick.

So you’re moving? That’s what I thought, shithead. Nobody messes with me! Now I’m gonna stand here, text my buddies that I fucked some kid up, and leave at halftime. Then, I’m gonna stumble home and take Nikki to pound-town. Isn’t that right, Nikki?

 

Originally published: October 2012

Don’t Be Alarmed, My Erection is Simply the Product of 6 Million Years of Evolution

By Your Biology Teacher

Ah yes, come in. Samantha, right? Thank you for visiting my office hours. I truly enjoy when students take the time to come ask questions. Please, take a se – oh, that? The massive bulge in my pants? Don’t be alarmed, it’s nothing more than a beautiful adaptive system created by eons of natural selection.

You see, Sammy darling – you don’t mind if I call you that, do you? When our ancestors were merely prokaryotes floating through the primordial ooze, we were forced to reproduce via asexual duplication. ‘Twas a bit like masturbation, were you to finish masturbating by ripping yourself clear in two. Not terribly sensual, I’m afraid.

Then eventually, as we evolved into the more complex autotrophs, we developed the capacity for sexual reproduction. Glorious, wonderful sexual reproduction. However, it still wasn’t sexy, you see? Most people wouldn’t bother to clear their search history after looking up “alga-on-alga hardcore,” I’ll tell you that. Sure, they reproduced by exchanging genetic material via a conjugation tube – which is a bit reminiscent of this petrified anaconda I’ve got going on here – but there was still no time for foreplay. Imagine the dismality of intercourse without the possibility of dirty talk, a little spanking, or perhaps a quickly maneuvered finger or two where you might not expect it. Yet, such was the tragic fate of our algaic ancestors.

And I’m glad I am not a member of some plant species! Just imagine, Samantha, having your ovum harvested by a bee or a hummingbird, only to be skirted off to my loins. I mean, to never even have physical contact with your partner; to remain unable to gently caress their erogenous tendrils. It would be unbearable.

Instead, through years upon years of genetic refinement, men have developed the penis and women, the vagina. Refer back to my mammoth boner for a moment. Notice the way in which it has become rock-hard in response to your low-cut blouse and knee-high skirt. Little advances like that, things we take for granted, make it possible for us to not only convey attraction, but also to fuck each other’s brains out in bedrooms, cars, or say, biology department offices all around the world. Or, “reproduce,” as we scientists call it.

Now, some unlearned folk may tell you that God gave me my erection, that it was crafted in the image of His own omnipotent stiffy. I can assure you, however, that such claims are false. Countless studies have supported the hypothesis that my lightning rod of a cock was developed in the state of nature and passed down to me by my horny primate ancestors. ‘Tis true, darling, that without the imperfect replication process of DNA, I would not be able to discomfort you half so well as I am clearly discomforting you now.

Well, this has been quite the pleasant little chat, and a relevant way to reinforce the ideas presented in class. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an anatomy discussion section to lead in a few minutes, and I need to get there before I lose this pristine woody.

 

Originally published: October 2012

Ask a Feminist Ironically Watching a Real Housewives Marathon

Dear Feminist Ironically Watching a Real Housewives Marathon,

My housemate, Lindsay, bought a dog without consulting anyone else in the house. It chews on everything, barks at squirrels all day, and begs to be let out every ten minutes. Lindsay just got a new job and she’s rarely ever home, so the rest of us are stuck taking care of the dog. I really didn’t sign up for this – I don’t want to hurt my friendship with Lindsay, but I don’t have time to look after her dog. What should I do?

-Dog-Sitting on Division

Dear Dog-Sitting,

Oh my god – I can’t believe the overt sexism on this show. I mean, Molly’s husband is just on-screen right now making fun of the housewives? I can’t believe he would shame women on national TV like that. His main income comes from this show, so if you think about it, he’s exploiting all of the women on the show AND all of the women watching the show to make a quick buck, which is just absolutely disgusting, appalling, and…holy shit, he just compared Vicki to Miss Piggy. Oh no. He nailed it dead on, too! That’s hilarious – why haven’t I thought of that before?! Seriously though, I wouldn’t mess with that bitch if I were him. She is going to lose her shit over that one! I can’t wait to see her bitch that douchebag out at Tamara’s party!

Dear Feminist Ironically Watching a Real Housewives Marathon,

My roommate Carla is constantly having guys over, and my parents are coming to visit next weekend. What should I do? Should I tell Carla not to have anyone over, or should I keep my parents away from my room?

-Nervous in North Quad

Dear Nervous,

By the way, I’m only watching this to get ideas for my COMM 402 paper. This really isn’t my thing, normally. I mean, usually I refuse to be complicit in the public disparaging of women by consuming this trash. But I have to admit, watching a woman break down because she’s scared she won’t wake up after a cosmetic surgery makes me feel better about my life. No, for real – Alexis is sobbing over a nose job right now. You should see the look this plastic surgeon is giving her… Watching this brat curl into a ball is so unbelievably satisfying – I mean, intriguing.

Dear Feminist Ironically Watching a Real Housewives Marathon,

My neighbors are huge potheads. Our hall constantly reeks of pot, and I can’t stand the smell. It gets into my clothes and all of my stuff, it keeps me from inviting friends over, and it makes it impossible to focus on homework. I’ve asked them to tone it down, which didn’t work, and I even talked to my R.A. about it. No one cares. I don’t want to be an asshole, but should I report them to DPS?

-Secondhand Stoned in South Quad

Dear Secondhand Stoned,

Yup, just as I thought, Tamara’s judgment is absolutely priceless right now. I hope she has some deliciously bitchy comments ready for the reunion. Wait, is Bravo showing the reunion episodes today?! – Oh my god, yes! Housewife reunions are GOLD! I mean, from a sociological perspective. I could totally work this into my comm paper, right? This idea that reality show reunions are super toxic for women because they pit both the characters and the viewers against each other really needs to be explored. Okay, cool. I’ll definitely stick around for the reunion episodes and develop that idea. Hopefully some skank gets punched the fuck out later.

 

Originally published: October 2012

Djimon Hounsou Starting to Think He’s Been Typecast

NOT AFRICA, SURPRISINGLY – Actor Djimon Hounsou, best known for his roles in movies that chronicle slavery, violence, poverty, and Africa in general, has recently expressed concern over the types of characters he is asked to portray.

“I think I’ve really demonstrated the depth of my acting ability during my career,” he said, while perusing The New Yorker in his chic SoHo penthouse. “I mean, I’ve been an enslaved African gladiator who fights for his freedom, an enslaved African who leads a slave uprising, and an indentured servant in an African diamond mine who later kills the violent rebel leader who put him there. So you’ve got some real range there.”

Despite his diverse talents, the Benin native notes that during every audition he’s invited to perform in, the directors simply ask him to pick up a rudimentary weapon, begin yelling in African tongues, and “whip out the crazy eyes.”

Hounsou has had significant success as a male model in France, but expresses frustration that he has been unable to break out of the popular People-Killing-People-in-Africa-and-Elsewhere film genre. He hopes that he might be able to star in some lighthearted comedies in the future and perhaps even play a civilized Westerner for once, adding that he’d be willing to kill someone with a machete for a role like that.

 

Originally published: October 2012

14,000 Unmutilated Bodies Discovered in Mexican City

NOGALES, VERACRUZ – Los federales and la policia were stunned to discover nearly 14,000 unmutilated bodies early Tuesday morning in this violence-ravaged Mexican town. Before daybreak, word spread that for the first time in several weeks officials failed to find any of the town’s 13,724 residents shot, stabbed, beheaded, or buried in a mass grave overnight.

“While we are pleased to announce that it looks like we have all survived yet another night, we must guard against irrational optimism,” said Mayor Jorge Aviles. “We cannot discount the possibility that some bodies may have been hidden in very creative places.”

Mayor Aviles called on citizens to continue the search for mutilated bodies around town. “I want all citizens of Nogales to join me in going door to door. But we can’t stop there – oh, no. Has anyone checked out the foundation to the new elementary school? You could liquefy and pour like 20 bodies down there. But before we get the cadaver dogs, do we have everyone’s dental records? Just in case.”

Town members expressed shock that their sleepy little town somehow escaped the gang violence ravishing the rest of Mexico, at least for this one night. “I am always running into Juan Hernandez, our district attorney,” said Nogales resident Inez Rodrigo. “I just keep wondering when I’m going to see his limp body hanging in the town square, serving as a reminder to us all how lucky we are we never went into public service.”

 

Originally published: October 2012

New Somali President Unsure What the Word ‘President’ Means

MOGADISHU – Hassan Sheikh Mohamoud, Somalia’s recently-elected president and the first legitimate head of state in his impoverished nation in over twenty years, is still a bit unclear as to what the word “president” means, say sources within the Villa Somalia.

“Given that the last man we called ‘president’ just locked himself in his royal apartment and let thugs shoot at his window, I assumed I would be little more than a figurehead,” said President Mohamoud. “Turns out, though, that this job will be a lot more demanding than I previously figured.”

In order to justify his newfound presidential authority, Mohamoud has started researching Somali law on the subject, which mostly consists of a two-page pamphlet written by a former president entitled “Things I Would Do If I Controlled More than Two Square Blocks of Mogadishu.” Mohamoud has found little information of use.

“I even tried looking up the definition of ‘president’ in the Somali Heritage Dictionary, but the only definition it gave me was ‘ransom-bait,’” he noted offhandedly.

Mohamoud is not alone in his confusion. Extensive research revealed that the vast majority of Somali citizens were uncertain as to what a president actually does.

“You’re telling me that this ‘president’ controls the entire country?” wondered Mogadishu resident Nadif bin Bashar. “So he’s like a warlord with lots of guns, then?”

Even the opponents of the new official leader, such as al-Shabaab, the radical Islamist terrorist group, report being unaware of his title.

“Yeah, the name ‘President Mohamoud’ really isn’t ringing any bells,” yelled Kareem bin Khaldun, the leader of Al-Shabaab, while pinned behind the torched and bullet-riddled corpse of a car in a town in southern Somalia.

“Oh, you mean ‘Secularist Traitor Propped Up by Foreign Imperialist Infidels Bent on Destroying the Islamic Way of Life Mohamoud?’” he clarified, pausing briefly to unleash a flurry of return fire. “Sure, I’ve heard of him.”

Still, despite the current lack of understanding regarding the new executive’s position and powers, international leaders remain convinced that President Mohamoud will develop into an exemplar of a stable, just, and democratic ruler with the continued support of the African Union and the United Nations. U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon was quick to laud the fledgling leader.

“Wait, he’s calling himself a president now?” Secretary Ki-Moon asked querulously. “That’s great. But I thought we all agreed his title would be ‘Eventual Scapegoat for the Inevitable Re-Collapse of Somalia.”

 

Originally published: October 2012