Monthly Archives: November 2012

Vancouver City Officials Report Unusual Lack of Riots this Hockey Season

VANCOUVER — Vancouver Police Chief Gary Anderson remarked during a press conference this week that the incidence of disgruntled pitchfork-wielding citizens taking to the streets is markedly decreased this winter, in comparison to the last few years. Anderson proposed many possible explanations for this change, such as the presence of more uniformed officers on the street, a growing economy, and the fact that the Canucks haven’t had the opportunity to infuriate the city in front of a national audience, or indeed even exist, since early April.

“Well, we increased the amount of green space in the city by 40%, so residents are probably just happier because they’re getting more exercise,” Anderson said. “Then again, the most rage-provoking sport on TV now is curling, so that could also have something to do with it.”

Residents have cheerfully reported that each morning, they leave their homes to find the streets free from the lingering smell of tear gas, their cars un-flipped, and downtown storefronts surprisingly intact, a drastic change from the last couple of years. One citizen living in the downtown area even noted that he hadn’t been hit in the face with a large metal chain since May. The only members of the community who expressed disappointment over this seemingly inexplicable change are those who regularly instigate riots.

“Well, a couple of friends and me tried throwing Molotovs at a police car a week ago, but our hearts just weren’t in it,” sighed Henry Fillmore, as he shook his head despondently and let his nail-studded baseball bat hang loosely from his right hand. “I just don’t know what’s different about this year.”
In completely unrelated news, Roberto Luongo has not been burned in effigy in a month, matching his longest streak since the Canucks goalkeeper was twelve years old.

Originally published: November 2012

600 Million Indians Left Without Power in Wake of Hurricane Sandy

NEW JERSEY THEN NEW DELHI SOMEHOW — Hurricane Sandy, the monstrous “frankenstorm” that terrorized the East Coast last week killing scores, is responsible for rolling blackouts affecting nearly half of India’s population of 1.2 billion, say government officials.

The outages started last Monday, as Hurricane Sandy was bearing down on New York City.  As the storm surge reached 12 feet around the Indian Point nuclear plant in Buchanan, New York, causing the loss of power to no one in the Western Hemisphere, 600 million Indians found themselves without electricity.

“These blackouts are a national tragedy, but nothing could be done to stop them,” said G. Karuppaswamy Moopanar, the Indian Minister of Energy, at a press conference. “When a natural disaster strikes halfway around the globe, it has an effect on us here at home. What I want you to remember is that these blackouts probably have something to do with Hurricane Sandy, not our nation’s crippled infrastructure, state-owned coal monopoly, or endemic culture of corruption. I assure you that your electricity will be restored, just as soon as some Con Ed workers decide to vacation in Mumbai.”

The Indian government is said to nervously await the outcome of Sunday’s Titans vs. Dolphins football game, which could result in the deaths of thousands of malnourished slum-dwelling Dalit-caste “untouchables.”

Originally Published: November 2012

Study-Abroad Student Has No Idea How Excited Republic of Kyrgyzstan Is to Welcome Him

BISHKEK, KYRGYZSTAN — Excitement spread rapidly throughout the capital of Kyrgyzstan this week following recent news that an American undergraduate student will be spending the coming semester in the small central Asian country. Children are smiling, the economy has been revitalized, and families are busy preparing their livestock for celebratory slaughter.

A few weeks ago, Prime Minister Zhantoro Satybaldiyev received confirmation from a University of Michigan academic advisor that a real, living student would be transferring to Bishkek Humanities University for the “dark-sun learning period,” their equivalent of the winter semester.

“I honestly thought it was a mistake at first,” admitted Satybaldiyev. “We haven’t had a foreigner since, well, I’m not really too sure. I mean as long as you don’t count invading borderland ethnic groups and hostile Russian mercenaries as foreigners. But, praise God, our dark time is over. Our beautiful land and people are waiting for the student; we think, and hope, he will learn much here.”

The Prime Minister talked fondly of his alma mater, where LSA junior Jeff Mazor will soon be spending his days. More than just the central hub of the capital city, Bishkek Humanities University offers several courses on goat rearing, radish cultivation, and – new this year – a seminar on not smiling when being photographed.

Satybaldiyev also mentioned many aspects of the Kyrgyz culture that he hoped Mazor would enjoy. “We are very excited for the opportunity to show off our beautiful country, and are eager to impress Jeff with our favorite traditional foods and music.”

Furthermore, provided Mazor has time to tour the country, he will be guided by a tourism industry that has seen 100% growth in just the past week.

The month-long welcoming celebration to be held in Mazor’s honor will begin promptly during the first winter moon of the solstice harvest. Locals have already begun preparing for the Kyrgyz Köchü Festival, the traditional ceremony accompanying the moving of pasture households and sporting events of Er-Enish, Tyiyn-Enmei, and of course, Tushoo Toi.

“We are just so happy. The sun truly shines down on our land. We hope to make Jeff’s experience the best possible and are so thrilled to meet him soon,” grinned Satybaldiyev.

At press time, Mazor realized he had incorrectly filled out his application for study abroad in Spain and was working with his advisor to remedy the situation.

Originally Published: November 2012

Obituary: Grandma Shubert of South Quadrangle

Known best for her mirthful spirit, joyous laughter, and trademark meatloaf served in South Quad cafeteria, Grandma Shubert passed away last week at the age of 78. Though no official report has been announced regarding her unfortunate demise, she presumably died from shame, as the quality of the meatloaf is so goddamn awful now.

In life, the delightful gray-haired beauty held her own “Grandma Shubert’s Meatloaf” up to the highest standards and would never have put her name on the fetid slabs of gristle that the dining hall now claims to be her entrée. In a now bygone time, her pleasant smell of flowers and fresh herbs wafted throughout the recesses of the dormitory cafeteria. Since the date of her speculated death – which must have occurred sometime before last Tuesday’s dinner – the cafeteria has smelled only of stale, fried catfish, and whatever else the soulless drones behind the counter decide to shlop onto students’ plates that day.

True chefs know that a little garnish goes a long way, as Grandma Shubert would kindly explain to the incompetent assholes making cafeteria food now. Large portions and extra gravy on top of the meatloaf cannot make up for the fact that underneath lies a lukewarm, unpalatable excuse for Tuesday night dinner.

This endearing matron, taken from us too soon, is survived by many students begrudgingly eating dorm meals they are now receiving from God only knows where – only God and, certainly Grandma Shubert, softly weeping somewhere from her quaint cottage home in heaven.

Originally published: November 2012

Public Works Project ‘Definitely an Inside Job’

SOUTH FOREST AVE. — Area tinfoil-hat aficionado and self-proclaimed purveyor of the “truth” Wayne Kirkwood reports to have uncovered a massive government conspiracy involving road construction in his neighborhood.

“I was driving home one night when it hit me,” said Kirkwood. “The construction on my street was just too fucking convoluted to be carried out by some lowly private-sector company. Think about it – the secrecy, the inefficiency, the overrun budgets, the way they’re always talking on radios – the whole project stinks to high hell of government meddling!”

Kirkwood points to a sign he discovered at the construction site as his strongest line of evidence, which reads “Project Funded by the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.”

“Once I had my lead, I did what any free-thinking non-sheep would do – I followed the money,” Kirkwood explained. “And guess who’s behind the so-called ‘American Recovery and Reinvestment Act’? The goddamn government! It all makes sense now, doesn’t it? Those aren’t construction workers under those hardhats. They’re CIA operatives – who knows what kind of listening devices they’ve got wired up under that yellow plastic. The government probably just assumed we were all too coked up on chemtrails and fluoride to notice such obvious schemes to bring about the New World Order. Well, looks like the joke’s on them. The truth’s gonna get out, and there’s nobody who can stop it.

“Except the Jews in charge of controlling the mainstream media, of course,” he added with a sigh.

As of press time, Kirkwood’s plan to inform the masses has been postponed indefinitely, as he was last seen being pinned to the ground by a police officer while shouting something incoherent about the “police state.” The Ann Arbor Police Department reports Kirkwood was arrested for aggravated assault on a bulldozer, which he claimed was an agent of the Illuminati.

Originally published: November 2012

Former Hipster Anemic Due to Lack of Irony

SOMEWHERE YOU’VE PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF — Recovering hipster Ian Hamilton collapsed on the street yesterday, in what doctors believe to be a case of severe irony deficiency. First responders on the scene were able to quickly administer two tracks off of Arcade Fire’s 2001 demo tape to stabilize Hamilton before transferring him to the hipster ICU in a back room of the Blind Pig, where his condition is currently stable.

“The warning signs were all there,” said paramedic Robert Johnson. “His current job requires its employees to wear suits, leaving no room for V-neck shirts, Cosby sweaters, or skinny jeans. Even worse, recent Facebook photos show no signs of sepia tinting or ironic captions. It’s clear his irony levels were just far too low for a man his age. We’re lucky we found him when we did.”

Hipster rehabilitation specialists are currently working with Hamilton to increase his irony levels with an IV drip of Pabst Blue Ribbon infused with 5% Comet coffee and hourly doses of obscure lo-fi bands on vinyl. Hamilton’s therapists say the road to full recovery will be a long one, but they anticipate a return of rudimentary hipster functions, like an affinity for co-op parties and an unnatural lack of disdain for the clothing selection at Ragstock, within the week.

“Ever since he shaved his mustache and started wearing real glasses instead of nonprescription black frames, he has been feeling a bit too genuine,” said Hamilton’s tearful mother Linda. “I should have known something was wrong when he flushed a whole pack of American Spirits down the toilet. I’m just glad he didn’t get himself killed.”

Irony deficiency isn’t the only problem facing many young adults. Former fans of Paramore, Fall Out Boy and the like are now facing dangerously low levels of emoglobin in adulthood, leading to a surge in patients seeking acupunkture therapy.

Originally published: November 2012

Report: Most Recent College Grads Unable to Read World, Mall Maps

PORTLAND, Ore. — A new report published this week by the University of Oregon Department of Sociology revealed that 88% of recent college graduates, when asked to locate JCPenney on a mall map, responded that it is “somewhere on the left side of this wall-picture thing.”

The study, which sampled 4,185 men and women who graduated from public universities between 2007 and 2012, measured basic map-reading skills against benchmarks set by the fifth-grade social studies curriculum. According to the report, the participants, tasked with matching stores with their color-coded labels, exhibited a disturbing lack of spatial reasoning and common sense.

“’You are here,’” read one participant. “Well, that’s obvious. Where else would I be?”

“And where the hell is the ‘East Wing’?” asked another. “It doesn’t have a label – is that part of American Eagle?”

Dr. Robert Martin, the professor of sociology who led the study, noted that 71% of this group attempted to circumvent the entire problem-solving process by pulling out their GPS-capable smart phone devices. “Here we have a group with presumably highly-developed cognitive faculties,” he said, “and the only solution they could come up with was to see if Apple had developed a GPS system for building interiors.”

“I definitely wouldn’t have missed as many sales at Macy’s if Siri could’ve highlighted a route for me,” said University of Georgia class of 2010 alumnus Jared Adams. “Never could figure out how to get to the third floor.”

Interestingly, the study also found that students who spent more time at malls were less able to navigate them. “At this point, we hypothesize that prolonged exposure to Cinnabon fumes is linked with hippocampal damage,” said Dr. Martin, while in line at Cinnabon. “Further research is needed.”

Originally published: November 2012

Sophomore Lands Prestigious Internship Due to Excellent Communication Skills, Mother

MIDTOWN MANHATTAN — LSA sophomore Max Rosenberg on Tuesday was offered a highly-competitive summer analyst position at JPMorgan Chase, placing him among a select group of the nation’s best and brightest young people. Rosenberg was likely offered the paid internship thanks to his “track record of success and strong attention to detail,” according to his mother and JPMorgan Chase’s Senior Vice President of Human Resources Linda Rosenberg.

“I’m just so proud of Max,” said the elder Rosenberg. “I wonder what convinced our recruiters whom I oversee directly to offer him the job. It was probably his charming personality, although I bet the A- he got in that 200-level econ course he took really helped separate him from the pack.”

Sources indicate that should Rosenberg wish to attend law school in the future, he’s basically a shoo-in, as he has a great legal mind and his mother is shtupping the dean of Harvard Law School on the side.

Originally published: November 2012

Failure to Accept ‘Niece’ Request on Facebook Reignites Family Feud

RICHMOND, Va. — Tensions flared between rival factions of Jenna Halbright’s extended family earlier this week following the alleged denial of Aunt Sarah Watson’s request to list Jenna as her niece on Facebook.

“You know, she never really thought of Sarah as much of an aunt anyway,” said Jenna’s mother, Kelly Halbright. “And I don’t blame her. That succubus ruined [my brother] Jim’s first marriage.”

Intrafamily security experts fear the altercation may lead to a complete collapse of the long-standing ceasefire established by the Halbright-Watson Peace Accords of Thanksgiving 2007 – a historic deal facilitated by Great-Grandma Smithers and seven bottles of wine. Lauded by peace negotiators worldwide, the ambitious reconciliation plan included terms that instituted demilitarized zones at all funerals and mandated that the warring tribes no longer “forget” to exchange family Christmas cards. Key among the provisions was the requirement that the Halbrights officially recognize the legitimacy of Uncle Jim Watson’s marriage to his 23-year-old mistress, Sarah, which had been widely regarded as the impetus for the conflict.

“I’ve never understood Kelly’s hatred for Sarah,” said Watson patriarch Grandpa Joe. “It’s not like Jim up and married a colored.”

Some analysts express concern over the role of fringe elements in the conflict, namely the estranged Uncle Roger Watson, whose experimentation with hallucinogens in the late 1970s led him on a expedition to “find himself” in the old-growth forests of the Pacific Northwest, where he remains to this day.

“Roger could have an incredibly destabilizing effect on the situation,” says family historian and little-known second-cousin Carl Nordquist. “His prolonged isolation has likely transformed him into a figurative time capsule of past conflicts and long-suppressed tension. He has the potential to reintroduce countless uncomfortable family issues, like Grandpa Joe’s unabashed history of racism, which could undo whatever tenuous peace we have left.”

Asked how she feels about her role in renewing the family’s civil war, Jenna Halbright replied that she “hasn’t been on Facebook in like a week” due to computer problems.

Originally published: November 2012

Report: Newborn Son Fucking Mooch

OLIVIA AVENUE — New mother Ashley Tyson, who recently gave birth to her first child, a 7-pound-9-ounce bundle of joy named Henry, reports that her newborn son is a total goddamn sponge.

“I mean, I’ll just be eating some applesauce or something and he’ll literally just sit there and cry until I give him some,” said Tyson. “It’s like, ‘Get your own damn jar!’ I paid for this, you know? He’s what, almost a month old? Get a job!”

“And it doesn’t help that he’s a pervert,” she added. “You wouldn’t believe how often I catch him staring at my tits.”

Bill Tyson, Ashley’s husband of six years and Henry’s father, was quick to agree with his wife.

“I realize that he’s fallen on hard times since he was evicted from my wife’s uterus, but he’s been sleeping on our couch for like a month now. I think it’s time he at least start looking for his own place.”

The Tysons said also that while they spend all day at work, their son just sits at home alone watching television, sleeping, and shitting himself. The extreme lack of respect for even the most basic of social norms has led the couple to consider putting him out on the street.

“I just don’t know what we’re going to do with him,” sighed Mr. Tyson. “The worst thing is, when we mention any of this to him he just plays dumb and innocent, like he has no idea what we’re even talking about. And he always holds the blunt for way too long.”

Originally published: November 2012