Monthly Archives: February 2013

Pelican-Americans Demand New Orleans Name Change

WAXAHATCHEE WILDLIFE RESERVATION – Native Pelican-Americans are “up in wings” over the recent announcement that the New Orleans Hornets, an NBA team, will be renaming themselves the Pelicans starting next season. Although the name change had long been rumored, the announcement sparked a major uproar.

“In the 21st century, the marginalization of minorities remains a national tragedy, whether they be underrepresented ethnic groups or endangered species,” said Chief Big Beakum, leader of the Anaclawzi Pelican tribe of the southwestern United States. “Birds are people too, and my bird-people will not tolerate this disgusting display of cultural insensitivity.  The First Nations of Pelicans has done nothing to deserve such treatment.

“It’s bad enough that you oppressors have taken our land and driven us to the brink of extinction, but this is one bridge with shiny glass panels that my people frequently crash into too far,” he continued, while swishing a still-live fish around in his bill.

Over the years, various groups have protested sports team names they find distasteful. According to some, the Colorado Avalanche name is offensive to peace-loving mountains. The Prime Minister of India has repeatedly called on the Cleveland Indians to change their name, saying “no country would want to be associated with the uninspired outfield play of Drew Stubbs.” And who could forget the last native-bird-related controversy, when albino scarlet finches accused the Detroit Red Wings of mocking their medical condition.

“Personally, I don’t have a problem with New Orleans’ decision,” commented Suzanne Purewing, a great white pelican native to Lake Pontchartrain. “But did they really have to make the pelican on the logo look so angry? And drunk? We don’t all fit into that stereotype, you know.”

Pressure is mounting on team executives to reverse the name change. In recent days, general manager Dell Demps and owner Tom Benson have each received several anonymously-mailed DVD copies of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds at their home addresses.  When the front office announced that they were “reexamining their decision,” though, a swarm of hornets descended on the team’s practice facility in protest.

In related news, the Heron River tribe of pelicans, which is native to southeastern Michigan, demanded that the University of Michigan repatriate several pelican corpses that it recently picked up off the ground and threw in the trash.

Originally published: February 2013

George R. R. Martin Planning to Kill Self Off Before Completing ‘Game of Thrones’

A SMALL STUDIO APARTMENT, EAST WESTEROS – Sources close to the acclaimed writer George R. R. Martin, author of the famous Song of Fire and Ice series, which includes the novels A Game of Thrones, A Clash of Kings, and A Gangbang of Sequels, report that Martin may purposefully cause his own death before he can complete the final books of the heptalogy. Although many Game of Thrones fans have grown worried over the rumor, a number of literary critics believe the move would be “a stroke of genius.”

“Martin has already shown that he’s willing to break the standard conventions of fantasy popular fiction by dragging readers down an unpredictable path and disposing of integral characters in a few off-hand sentences,” said New York Review of Books contributor Harold Blanche. “Really the only fitting ending is for him to die himself before finishing the whole thing.”

However, many casual fans were much less excited by the news, including Todd Sheehey, who said, “I don’t want to see a fantastic debut novel turn into a muddled and confusing series without a satisfying ending.”

“We already got that with Harry Potter,” he said.

At the moment, possible spoilers about Martin’s upcoming death are sparse, but one close friend of the author revealed that Martin may be planning to have himself simultaneously shot in the phallus with a crossbow while being thrown off the roof of a brothel, only to have himself resurrected by powers unknown just in time to be eaten by a direwolf that will then be eaten by an Other, which will in turn be devoured by a dragon.

Alternatively, Martin may just succumb to a bad case of the flu.

Originally published: February 2013

New Bed, Bath, & Beyoncé Retail Outlet to Target Pop-Singer Demographic

DESTINY’S AISLE – Steven H. Temares, CEO of national retailer Bed, Bath, & Beyond, announced earlier this week that he plans to open a sister store named Bed, Bath, & Beyoncé. With this new line of stores, the retailer hopes to target consumers who never shopped at its other outlets, including successful African-American pop divas, wives of hip-hop moguls, and mothers of children named Blue Ivy.™

“We wish to accommodate the lifestyle of the young African-American pop diva while sticking to what we do best,” explained company spokesperson Lindsay Arthur. “For example, a lot of B, B, & Beyoncé products are just like the stuff we sell at the regular store, but with a shit-ton of diamonds thrown on them. There will be some notable exceptions, though.”

Arthur explained that the new retail store will feature an expanded jewelry section, offering a wide selection of rings that you should have put on it, as well as a dominatrix aisle for the modern woman who likes her love on top.

In keeping with the theme of female agency and independence, Bed, Bath, & Beyoncé will be entirely staffed by women, as “girls run this mother anyways,” Arthur said. Furthermore, although the store caters mostly to females, it will offer some male-oriented products in the If I Were a Boy section.

Given the growing popularity of hip-hop music and hip-hop inspired pop, other retail giants are expected to open their own urban-inspired outlets in the near future. For example, the Waltons, of Wal-Mart fame, are expected to open a new store designed for thirtysomething fat white men with an affinity for grillz, which they plan to call PaulWallMart, although rumors of a Beastie Boys ‘R’ Us franchise remain unconfirmed.

Originally published: February 2013

GOP Says Semen-Soaked Tissue Has ‘Right to Live’

THE CRADLE OF LIFE – LSA sophomore Jake Bess ejaculated into a tissue early Wednesday morning, unwittingly setting off a firestorm of controversy that would quickly reach the nation’s capital.

“I had just finished my nightly ‘flog of the log’ and was wiping off the ol’ equipment with a tissue,” said Bess. “But before I could even toss it in my trashcan, [House Majority Leader] Eric Cantor burst into my room screaming like a madman about the ‘sanctity of life.’”

A confused, pantless Bess was quickly tackled to the ground by Representative Cantor as Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell snatched the tissue out of his hand and fled the scene. As of press time, the exact location of the semen-stained tissue remains unknown to those outside the Republican Party.

“We have custody of the tissue in question and are keeping it in a safe place until we can find it a loving home,” said Senator McConnell, adding that 4,458,904,893 semen-soaked tissues are ruthlessly thrown away every year. “The word ‘genocide’ gets thrown around a lot, but that is clearly what is taking place here. Scientists have proven that once semen has left the body it takes only 30 seconds before it feels pain, and in three minutes a sperm-Kleenex hybrid can grow fingernails. These senseless killings must stop. The Republican Party is 100 percent committed to protecting the life of all 250 million sperm in any given ejaculate.”

Democrats say the Republicans are undertaking an unprecedented challenge to a man’s ‘right to splooge’. Republicans counter that Democrats are simply unwilling to accept responsibility for the consequences of their immoral self-indulgence.

“It shouldn’t surprise anyone that Democrats couldn’t care less about their bodily fluids’ right to life,” said Representative Cantor. “Just think: if Monica Lewinsky’s dress were alive today, it would be getting ready to graduate from high school.”

Curators at the Smithsonian Institute, where Mrs. Lewinsky’s dress is currently being held, were able to confirm that the dress is nowhere near the educational-attainment level to graduate and is in fact just getting “pretty crusty.”

Originally published: February 2013

Kanye West, Kim Kardashian Attempt to Patent Creation of Zygotes

In a move that has been called expected, egocentric couple Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have registered a request with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to copyright the process of joining two gamete cells through sexual intercourse. “Listen y’all,” said West, “all y’all better cease and desist from engaging in any interpersonal sexual activity that results in the creation of a zygote. If you can figure out how to skip the first four days of fetal development and use intercourse to make a blastocyst, go right ahead.”

Although every media outlet is positive this move is a response to Jay-Z and Beyonce’s attempt to trademark the name of their first child, Blue Ivy, West and Kardashian claim otherwise.

“Well, you see, Kanye thought that, um, because of the special nature of our, well, conception, like,” Kardashian began.

“Alright, what’s she’s trying to say,” Kanye interrupted, “is that my spermatozoa done traveled all the way from Kim’s cervix to the uterus and through her fallopian tubes, at which point one of my boys found her ovum and done broke down its jelly coating, vitelline layer, and plasma membrane to gain access to its cytoplasm.”

“What we just did was a mufucking miracle and we don’t want none of y’all jackin’ our style,” he added.

West and Kardashian added that, because they are a generous couple, they will leave loopholes in the patent that will make the creation of zygotes possible, but still very difficult.

“People can still make babies with those, like, long, skinny shot-glass thingies,” said Kardashian, probably referring to the process of in vitro fertilization. “But, um, we don’t want anyone else trying to make, like, things that are alive in their stomachs through, well, sex.”

Kanye also clarified that this patent won’t apply to all eukaryotic organisms, only certain phyla of the Animalia kingdom. “Yo, any mammal whose male species has an internal penis, such as canines and domestic equines, will not be barred from engaging in the consensual ejaculation of sperm from the epididymis into a female’s uterus,” said West. “But, if you a dude animal and yo’ dick and balls hangs out yo’ body, you will no longer be permitted to engage in any form of sexual activity that may result in meiosis and fertilization that leads to homologous recombination.

“And lizards and bugs and shit can do what they want, I don’t like no lizards and bugs and shit and I ain’t tryin’ to fuck with their reproductive processes,” he said.

In response, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office released a statement saying that they will consider the request. But according to sources in the office, it seems “unlikely” the couple’s patent will be approved, as it likely violates numerous laws, bureaucratic practices, and a basic conception of human decency.

Originally published: February 2013

Women Earn Right to Die for Country: Still Waiting on Right to Not Be Treated Like Shit

AMERICA – Women nationwide were thrilled to celebrate a huge victory for equality as the Pentagon lifted its ban barring them from combat, although they still admit that it would be “pretty nice” to eventually be treated like human beings.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful,” said Navy Pfc. Shauna Winters. “I feel like the federal government has finally recognized that I’m just as competent as any of my colleagues, regardless of gender. I’m just saying securing some basic human rights would really hit the spot.

“Call me a dreamer, but just imagine if I could some day be entrusted to make my own decisions regarding my newly bullet-ridden body,” she added.

Tracy Bauer, a sergeant in the Army Reserve, expressed similar sentiments. “If I’m called up for active duty any time soon, I will cherish the fact that I can finally serve as a sacrificial lamb for my country. But I’ve still got my fingers crossed that one day I’ll be able to walk in public without men feeling like they’re entitled to grope me!” she said.

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Martin Dempsey acknowledges there is still “some work” to be done in the fight for gender equality, but notes that the recent progress “should keep them quiet for a while.

“I won’t pretend everything’s perfect for women, but I think this recent rule change will be a defining moment for the lovely ladies of our nation,” Dempsey said.

“It’ll be like Charlie’s Angels all over the world,” he added.

At press time, Dempsey still had not responded to a recent study that found the average woman in combat is given only 72 bullets to a man’s 100.

Originally published: February 2013

Sexual-Intimacy Metaphor to Abandon Baseball Terminology, Embrace Gymnastics

Sources confirmed yesterday that America’s widely-used baseball sex metaphor, which employs terms such as “first base,” “third base,” and “anal base” as euphemisms for levels of sexual contact, will soon be replaced with an elaborate new gymnastics analogy. By judging all performers on a scale from one to 10 and taking into account not only the execution of the routine but also its difficulty, the new system is expected to completely revolutionize the standards for sexual performance and expression. Metaphor reformists hope that this new standard will begin to undo the practice of merely rushing through linear, predetermined “bases” for the one-dimensional purpose of “scoring.”

“Sex is not a game,” said Donna Williams, director of the Organization Making the Push for a More Flexible Metaphor. “At least not one as as boring, basic, and heteronormative as baseball. We don’t care if you made it to third base. What we want to know is: how was your form? Did you throw in interesting combinations? Did you stick your dismount?”

Under this new metaphorical regime, Williams explained, sexual acts actually have the “revolutionary ability to satisfy more than one participant simultaneously. By understanding the judge (your sex partner) and her requirements (sexual kinks and g-spots) you can score higher and perhaps qualify for the next round. What’s really at stake here is a concern for another human being’s feelings. This is a push to fight the laziness and patriarchal privilege implicit in the use of baseball euphemisms.

“We hope that instead of ‘I’d hit that,’ we’ll soon begin to hear things like, ‘Damn, I’d do a roundoff back-handspring back-layout-full for that,’” added Williams. “That’s our dream.”

Perhaps most important, however, are the improvements that this system makes to the baseball metaphor’s conception of consent. Whereas baseball pits two competing teams with opposing goals against one another, gymnastics is “built on rituals of respect and tolerance.” For example, the judge must salute before the gymnast can even touch the equipment, much less mount it.

At press time, the creator of the new metaphor reluctantly noted that gymnastics is and always will be about scoring, too.

Originally published: February 2013

Student from Upper Peninsula Doesn’t Understand People’s Problem with Snow

ANN ARBOR – Although recent sub-zero temperatures and frigid winds have broken the spirits of students across campus, especially that kid on your floor from California who didn’t know what frostbite was before having his foot amputated last January, Engineering sophomore Abe Augustuske has been seen around campus wearing nothing more than pants and a sweatshirt on even the coldest days of the semester.

“Like, that’s just straight up ballsy,” remarked Don Franklin, a classmate of Augustuske’s, as he donned a third sweatshirt before heading outside. “How he can stand the cold like that, I’ll never know.”

Augustuske, however, maintains that this sort of frigid weather is nothing out of the ordinary in his hometown of Mohawk, a small city thirty minutes north of Houghton, which is a slightly larger city in a slightly less northern part of the northern Upper Peninsula.

When Augustuske was asked whether or not the University should declare snow days when the Ann Arbor public schools do, he responded, “You know what we called snow days where I’m from? Days.

“Seriously, you guys should really stop being pussies about this weather,” he added.

When asked for comment about Augustuske’s imperviousness to below-freezing temperatures, Colin Arkin, Augustuske’s freshman-year roommate, said, “I mean, he’s got a bit more body hair than I do, so that might help him out. He also eats a fair bit, which could give him enough energy to tough it out.”

Mohawk city officials could not be reached for further comment at press time because the entire town has been buried in 13 feet of snowfall, which apparently is quite normal for this time of year.

Originally published: February 2013

Colorful Lights at Children’s Hospital Not Doing Much for Dying Child: ‘I Am Still Going to Die Very Soon,’ Says Child

THE PRECIPICE OF DEATH – Despite the constant, effervescent glow of brilliant blue, green, and turquoise light that emanates from the ceiling of the main lobby of C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital, fifth grader and terminal cancer patient Bobby Hughes, age 10, continues to face almost certain death in the near future.

“I think they’re doing a good job of making a really sad place look a little brighter,” said Hughes. “But I still have less than four months left to live, pretty lights or not.”

The young boy, who has been been in and out of radiotherapy for almost a year now, has a brain tumor growing near his pituitary gland at the base of his brain and pressing on his optic nerve.

Hospital officials reported that the gently undulating, colorful lights were meant to bring beauty and serenity to a place where young people cope with illness. Chief architect Mary O’Connor said the lights are the hospital’s “way of bringing visual resplendence and new life to a place that, unfortunately, may bring for some families the tragedy of death.”

Still, young Bobby Hughes remains unconvinced that the presence of colorful lights can do anything to change the fact that he will never graduate from high school, get married, pursue a meaningful career, or enjoy the spiritual comfort of companionship in old age. “Lights or not, I am still going to die very, very soon,” said Hughes. Reportedly, this terrifies the young child beyond any capacity to appreciate the charming radiance of the hospital’s ambient installation.

Hughes’s oncologist, Dr. Harry Greer, confirmed that it is “a virtual certainty that Bobby Hughes will never be able to experience those transcendent joys, due to the fact that his tumor is malignant, inoperable, and will eventually lead to an irreversible failure of his most basic autonomic functions. I do not foresee any kind of lights – colorful, undulating, or otherwise – in any way altering the fact that Bobby Hughes will die,” Dr. Greer said. “Still, they are kind of fun,” he added.

At press time, Hughes is no longer able to see the lights due to gradually increasing pressure on his optic nerve.

Originally published: February 2013

GSI Accidentally Fills CTools Resources Folder with Entire Fifth Season of ‘Entourage’

POLSCI 353 COURSE SITE – Exclusive sources with intimate access to the CTools site for POLSCI 353: American Constitutional Politics confirmed that instead of uploading Thursday’s slides on the Electoral College and party nominations, GSI Greg Carrol instead loaded the class folders with media from his own personal iTunes library, including 4 GB of music from a compilation known as “Greg’s Deep Cuts.”

The news first broke when LSA sophomore Leah Cooper, looking to get a head start on next week’s reading assignments, stumbled instead upon the fifth-season premiere of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. “I mean, the episode where Dennis and Mac pretend to be gay when they’re really just squatting in somebody’s house was sooooo funny, but I’m not sure I get what it has to do with the political theory behind the lack of a direct electoral system in presidential elections,” Cooper said.

As news of the upload spread throughout the 200-student lecture, the CTools servers overloaded as students desperately tried to download Carrol’s TV shows and superhero movie soundtracks filed under “Required Reading” in the Resources folder.

“Dude, I had never even seen the pilot of Entourage,” said LSA freshman Jay Stone. “I mean, that shit’s money, just straight money. It didn’t exactly answer why there is an increasing polarization between the Republican Party and urban female social moderates, but I trust that Greg [Carrol] knows what he’s doing. It’s probably like, a metaphor or something. I’m sure we’ll go over it in section.”

Questioned about his mistake, Carrol mumbled something under his breath about “still getting paid, right?” and interjected that “this better mean I don’t have to correct those fucking Federalist Paper projects.”

When pressed further about the discovery of two seasons of RuPaul’s Drag Race buried deep within old term-limit lecture slides, Carrol insisted he had no comment.

Originally published: February 2013