Monthly Archives: April 2013

Tony Romo Now Highest-Paid Worst Quarterback in NFL History

ARLINGTON, Tex. – Tony Romo, who recently signed a six-year, $108-million contract extension with the Dallas Cowboys, is now the best-compensated most awful quarterback in the history of the NFL, according to league sources.

Romo, who has inexplicably appeared on the field for the Cowboys for the past nine seasons, is often lauded as the most outstanding player just terrible enough to have won only a single playoff game in his entire career. With the contract extension, the player that North Texas loves to hate to love hopes to set an NFC record for Most Times Photographed While Sheepishly Smiling Following a Terrible Heartbreaking Loss.

“I am truly honored to be returning to the Cowboys’ family,” said a smiling Romo. “I appreciate the continued faith that [team owner, general manager and professional Skeletor impersonator] Jerry Jones has placed in me, despite the fact the number of interceptions I threw last season exceeds my IQ.

“I’m really excited to bring all our fans that single playoff win I know we may deserve some time in the next five to six years,” he added.

With the contract extension, Romo joins an elite class of NFL stars past and present, including Ryan Leaf, the most-highly-drafted worst quarterback in NFL history, Leon Lett, the Cowboys’ former best-worst player, and Dan Orlovsky, the Detroit Lions quarterback who will be forever remembered for scoring a safety on himself.

“Re-signing Tony was a slam dunk,” said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. “It’s not every day that you can give a nine-figure contract extension to an undrafted player who spent his first two NFL seasons as a holder, especially one who is known for committing one of the worst holding blunders of all time. But Tony is a special player. At least that’s what the team psychologists keep telling me.

“We here at the Cowboys organization are looking forward to sticking with Tony for a long time,” Jones added, “regardless of whether there’s about a dozen other guys who are more qualified for the position.”

Reportedly, $40 million of the contract is guaranteed, with the remainder contingent upon Romo continuing to facilitate mid-season skids, miss the playoffs year after year, and embarrass himself and his teammates on national television. Also, Romo will receive a $5-million bonus if the team exceeds all expectations and remains incredibly mediocre for the next one to two decades.

In related news, San Diego Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers recently shocked the world by becoming the first professional football player to publicly come out as terrible.

Study Finds Merciless Taunting Pretty Effective Solution to Childhood Obesity: Rates of Crying, Metabolism Soar in Response to Public Humiliation

THE BLACKTOP – A study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released Friday found that constant, community-based efforts to wantonly humiliate obese children may result in substantial weight loss and BMI reduction. The long-term, randomized, double-blind study was aimed at motivating a shift in the way we address the nation’s growing obesity epidemic.

“Contemporary wisdom would tell us that it’s simply reckless to think we could motivate kids to make better nutritional choices and achieve enduring lifestyle changes just by teasing the living shit out of them,” said lead researcher Dr. Lara Rutherford. “Turns out, we can. Our study confirmed that constantly and publicly reminding children of their bulbous, pathetic excuse for a human body actually does the job pretty well.”

Researchers began to see substantial weight loss just days into their study of the effects of social derision on weight loss. Especially successful were test subjects who responded to peer ridicule by subsequently refusing to eat at all.

Still, some parents of test subjects were initially concerned that their children would react negatively to persistent patterns of verbal abuse and social alienation. “At first, I was worried that Tony would really have his feelings hurt when his teacher encouraged the class to refer to him exclusively as ‘butterball’ or ‘doughboy,’” recalled Anne Malinowski, who volunteered her son for the study after witnessing him consume an entire stick of butter as an after-school snack. “But 75 pounds and six pant sizes later, I don’t have any regrets.”

“We actually had to end the study earlier than planned after observing such overwhelmingly-positive effects on BMI,” said Dr. Rutherford.

The researchers have yet to investigate the potential for adverse psychological consequences on obese children but speculate that such effects are “negligible at most.”

MTV Mourns Fact that Reality Star Died Off-Camera

WEST VIRGINIA – At a press conference following the accidental carbon-monoxide poisoning of reality TV star Shain Gandee, MTV executives reluctantly confirmed that none of their patented reality-cams had been present at the scene of the tragedy. Executive producer Barry Poznik concluded the conference with a personal message to the deceased’s family, saying, “While we mourn the loss and cannot fathom the pain of the Gandee family, we weep especially for the television viewers who never got to witness this tragedy several days after the fact on their DVR’s.”

Gandee, often referred to as “Gandee Candy” on MTV’s new West Virginia-set reality show Buckwild, was found dead in his Ford Bronco, which was half-submerged in mud with the tailpipe covered and would have been “completely viewable from the perfect angle on a nearby hill,” according to Poznik.

“A beautiful medium-long shot of the body…blood slowly draining from his face…the cold, empty stare of his eyes…the haunting sound of his death rattle,” said Poznik, sitting with his head in his hands. “That’s what I call damn good television.”

However, the most visibly-distraught group in the wake of Gandee’s death has been the eight-man camera crew responsible for following Gandee and his friends around the rural Charleston area.

“We were contractually and morally obligated to be there to film any and all medical emergencies,” said one anonymous cameraman, wiping tears from his eyes. “To have done anything less is disrespectful to Shain, the TV audience, and the United States of America.”

The men appeared with full equipment at Gandee’s funeral last Tuesday, attempting to, as one said, “rectify this horrible mistake.”

Said another camera operator, wiping tears from his eyes, “We got Shain on camera almost dying so many times: messing with a squirrel gun, filling his truck with water, falling off rope swings. That we weren’t there to watch him finally bite it, it just makes you think, ‘What’s the point of it all?’”

MTV has since revamped its production strategy to ensure no tragedy in the lives of their reality stars goes unfilmed. At press time, network producers were eagerly awaiting word of Pauly D’s inevitable cocaine-induced heart failure.

Mom Activist Group Makes Breakfast in Bed for Ugandan Child Soldiers

‘BED,’ UGANDA – Calling Lord’s Resistance Army leader Joseph Kony’s use of child soldiers “just dreadful,” Mrs. Dorothy Hathaway of the Mothers for Tea and Social Change club in Wilmot, Minn. recently outlined her group’s plan to resolve the situation with freshly-delivered trays of warm, delicious breakfasts.

“When I see I picture of this darling right here,” said Mrs. Hathaway, holding up a picture of a 13-year-old child brutally slaughtering an elderly man, “I get this feeling that all he needs are some scrambled eggs and ketchup in the morning, and maybe a small cup of grapefruit juice. I figure I’ll put it all on a tray and put a flower in a cup so he can wake up to a nice breakfast after long night of defending the camp and/or trafficking sex slaves. That’s what these poor children really need.”

The other five members of the Mothers club – Mrs. Betsy Freemont, Mrs. Michelle Stenson, Mrs. Allison Eldred, Mrs. Janet Bilkin, and Mrs. Babe Fawlnine – have all expressed their commitment to the cause as their spring project.

“We spend most weekly meetings emphasizing the ‘tea’ part of our title and really like to get into the discussion side of social change,” said Mrs. Stenson. “But then we thought, it might be fun to actually try and instigate social change as a change of pace.”

Said Mrs. Bilkin, “It combines my two greatest loves: social change, and making French toast for my little sweetums.”

Mrs. Hathaway’s preliminary plan of action, which she will reveal at the Mothers’ group tea at Mrs. Fawlnine’s house on Friday, involves tip-toeing through war-torn Kampala so as to not wake up the children, and surprising child soldiers all along the way by gently lifting up their malaria nets and letting their tents fill with the delicious scent of fresh fruit and tasty eggs, until she reaches the Abim District.

Added Mrs. Hathaway, “This, by the way, is only the tip of the iceberg. Hopefully this endeavor opens the door for more humanitarian efforts on our part. I know Mrs. Bilkin has a wonderful crochet gun-strap pattern she’s been wanting to try.”

When asked how she planned to find the Army, which has no concrete headquarters and has been notoriously hard to pin down, Mrs. Hathaway sprinkled cinnamon on a big stack of pancakes, winked, and said, “A mother knows…”

When reached for comment and a breakfast-food preference, the child soldiers looked up with thundering, echoing stares of innocence lost.

Sixth Season of ‘Jon Hamm’s Wang’ Full of Throbbing Drama, Critics Say

Just three episodes into its sixth season, AMC’s hit series Jon Hamm’s Wang – which focuses on Jon Hamm’s phallus as it negotiates the shallow materialism of the 1960s advertising world, as well as vaginas – has been repeatedly praised by viewers for the way in which it allows them to stare at Jon Hamm’s penis in a variety of settings.

Critics have particularly lauded Jon Hamm’s Wang for probing the depths of 1960s American culture in a manner that is both substantially and aesthetically stimulating.

Many fans report that this new season, which returned following an eight-month break, was “a long time coming.” The finale of the previous season had teased them, whetting their appetite and leaving them begging for more.

“I think last season was kind of hard on viewers,” said the show’s producer, Matthew Weiner. “Things got a bit hairy, and a lot was left unfinished. But I think the audience is ready to hop back on and ride this thing out until the end.”

The new season has returned with a bang. The first few episodes were, as anticipated, filled with stiff drinks and a big, fat, juicy scandal. Critics and viewers alike say they are thrilled to welcome Jon Hamm’s Wang back into their living rooms.

“Jon Hamm’s Wang is currently the only thing on television worth watching,” said Fred Carr of the Television Critics Association. “Weiner has mastered the art of seduction.”

“Jon Hamm’s Wang is a stroke of genius,” said one fan. “I’m blown away every time.”

As the fourth episode approaches, viewers will soon be “heading into the thick of it,” according to Weiner. “This is where we start to get into the meat of the season. It just gets more and more intense until it finally culminates in an explosive finale – but I’m not letting anything slip. Tune in!”

In Oddly Personal Hearing, Supreme Court Justices Seek to Learn What Exactly Makes One Gay

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WASHINGTON – In a follow-up to last month’s landmark oral arguments on gay marriage, the Supreme Court justices took turns asking oddly-personal hypothetical questions about the nature of homosexuality at a hearing tinged with awkwardness, furtive glances, and sexual shame. The nine justices resolved to spend the time necessary to reach a clear and dispassionate ruling on the issue of gay marriage, even though many of them seemed to have no reasonable understanding of what it means to be gay.

At first, Chief Justice John Roberts wondered aloud if he should recuse himself, as he admitted that he “had once had sex with a girl that turned out to be a guy.

“You know,” he added, “you never would have guessed from looking at him/her that he/she had a penis,” as he noted that this was absolutely the last time he would let his friends from college get him drunk. “Now, speaking personally, there’s almost always a woman involved, but I’m not going to lie and say there haven’t been moments of penile-to-penile contact.”

Ultimately, Chief Justice Roberts chose not to recuse himself, as it turned out that applying such a strict standard would leave only Stephen Breyer, the Court’s celibate justice, on the bench for the important case.

With an average age of 67, many justices were confused by the topic of homosexuality, including Antonin Scalia. “I think this case brings up several important questions of legal standing,” said Scalia. “For instance: if you’re standing, and you’re penetrating a male partner, is that gay? And is it legal in Texas if, say, you’re traveling there with your clerk Carlos when court’s not in session?

“I guess it’s like Justice Stewart said – you know it when you see it,” he added.

Justice Clarence Thomas, who rarely asks questions in open court, then rose to speak. “Isn’t the reasonable-person test in order here? Like, let’s say you’re in a hot tub with your best guy-friend and both of your girlfriends. You and your friend agree to kiss so long as the girls kiss. You do it, but the girls chicken out. Now, would a reasonable person find that I – uh, ‘my friend’ – was a closeted homosexual? And what if it was the ‘60s and everyone was doing stuff like that?” asked the justice in a long, rambling question that made many in the courtroom extremely uncomfortable.

Another member of the court, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, also sought clarification on what specifically made one gay. “I think the legal concept of adultery, as defined in Simmons v. Vermont, is key here. I’ve got just one question – take a woman, oh, let’s say, 80 years old, who’s got a husband who just isn’t meeting her needs anymore,” said Justice Ginsburg, who despite her advanced age and frail appearance has been described as an “animal” in the sack by SCOTUSblog. “So in her loneliness this woman starts to fool around with one or two of her new young colleagues. Let’s call them Sonia and Elena for short. It’s just some harmless fun, but then the Jewish one gets jealous because you’re spending all your time in the ‘chambers’ of the Hispanic one. How might one extricate herself from such a situation?”

Attorney David Boies, who is representing supporters of gay marriage before the Court, stood motionless with his mouth agape for most of the four-hour-long court session.

Area Man Describes New Girlfriend’s Predatory Tendencies as ‘Cute’

ROMULUS, Mich. – Volunteer firefighter Shane Osgood reports that his fledgling relationship with local typist Lindsay Chancellor has been “absolutely perfect” despite her numerous aggressive tendencies. Since their relationship began last month, Chancellor has displayed controlling behaviors and extreme reactions to him leaving her presence, characteristics that Osgood has labeled “charming little quirks.”

Screen Shot 2013-04-22 at 6.50.57 AMAccording to Osgood, his new partner’s tendency to wait for him outside his place of business without his knowledge is nothing less than “absolutely adorable.”

“I mean, I can’t believe that she’s already memorized my work schedule,” he said. “It makes me feel like a terrible boyfriend for forgetting when her parole hearings and court-mandated therapy sessions are.”

However, Osgood’s roommates have repeatedly voiced concerns after discovering Chancellor roosted in the tree outside Osgood’s window on multiple occasions. Osgood contends, however, that his friends are overreacting.

“Romulus is not as safe as it use to be, so it makes me feel secure that she’s there looking after me every night,” he said.

Osgood noted that some of his friends certainly have the “wrong impression” of his new girlfriend, but urged them to focus more on “her undying dedication” to him.

“I mean, have you seen this doll Lindsay made of me?” Osgood asked, holding up what seemed to be a voodoo doll in his likeness that someone had repeatedly stabbed with a variety of objects. “The time she puts into handmade gifts like this really shows how much she cares about me.”

Overall, Osgood insists that he “couldn’t be happier” with Chancellor and that he could see himself with her “until the day [he] die[s].”

“You know, some girls say they like the feeling of putting on their boyfriends’ sweatshirts, but Lindsay has repeatedly told me that she wants to wear my skin,” he said. “How sweet is that?”

BP Starts Corporate Image Cleanup Initiative: Goal Is to Remove 100% of Corporate Malfeasance from News by 2016

In an effort to halt the ceaseless flow of bad press from seeping through to critical ears, senior executives at the multinational oil conglomerate BP announced their new Corporate-Image-Cleanup Initiative, a revolutionary program intended to remove any mention of its willfully-reckless corporate activity from mainstream news by 2016.

The Image-Cleanup Initiative will be carried out by thousands of state-of-the-art newsfeed skimmers and trained spin doctors alike, who were engineered specially for the surgical removal of any and all negative press from the public eye.

“It has always been our intention to preserve our valuable corporate ecosystem we have cultivated over the years,” said Mark Cooper, a BP public relations officer. “As such, we hereby pledge to remove all articles and photos of oil-covered pelicans, otters, or Mississippians from the news media by 2016.”

The corporation has also hired new workers to serve as company ambassadors to news outlets affected by recent “truth spills.” “We are committed to keeping the news environment as pure and untainted as we found it,” said program director Sandra Kelly. “So when we were confronted with a negative PR leak in 2010, we made sure to act quickly. We compensated the affected news organizations quite generously, ensuring everyone impacted could return to a normal life of willful ignorance,” she added.

Some have speculated that BP’s new initiative is a response to the calamitous 2010 Deepwater Horizon Gulf Coast truth spill, as well as other companies’ notable truth spills, including the 2001 Enron truth spill, which was famously caused by overly-truthful accounting records, and that time everybody found out that Mike the mechanic installed new brake pads in Katie Ponder’s car when she didn’t actually need them.oil-spill2

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“We’re excited to be the new face of corporate responsibility in this country,” added Kelly.

 

New Drug Promises to Treat Parents’ Anxiety Over Children’s ADHD Medication

A consortium of the world’s leading drug companies announced Thursday that it plans to move ahead with trials for a medication designed to relieve parents’ mounting anxiety over giving their children ADHD medication. Upon finding that parents experience high levels of stress due to the fact that their children are ingesting large daily quantities of a Schedule III controlled substance, researchers began to develop the drug, tentatively called Ezdoesit, which could come to market as early as this fall.

“Parents these days are facing challenges like never before. The choice between giving a developing child a drug that is molecularly akin to speed – just so they can sit still for a second and get some fucking homework done – can be fraught with anxiety and unease,” said Dr. Jacob Steiber, a doctor who is unaffiliated with the trials but is a self-proclaimed expert on speed.

“The medical community hopes that Ezdoesit will allay parents’ unpleasant feelings effectively, so that they can stop hovering over their kids and cook some fucking dinner for once,” Steiber added.

“My son can barely get through a game of Angry Birds without spazzing out,” said concerned parent Jeff Forrest. “I want the best for him when he starts kindergarten next year, but I’m really concerned about the possible side effects of giving him this enormously powerful ADHD medication. If they had a drug that noticeably altered my attention span, that would be great.”

The lab producing the new drug, which is fully funded by Pfizer, promises that the solution to the nation’s drug-related anxiety is most certainly “more and better” drugs. The nation’s grandparents could not be reached for comment, however, as their Cialis prescriptions rendered them much too busy nursing a six-hour erection to comment.

2013 ‘Rotten Apple’ Winner Delivers Honorary ‘First Lecture’ on Content Relevant to Class Exam

Professor Ross Clark was awarded the 2013 Rotten Apple Award shortly after his HISTORY 263: People and Culture of Southeast Asia lecture on Tuesday, honoring his dedication to unpreparedness, disorganization, and teaching each lecture as if it were his first.

This award was bestowed upon Professor Clark after a flood of nominations indicated that he “expected his students to know ridiculously-detailed information about the readings that he never even covered in lecture,” “had not yet graded a single one of the six papers [they] had already turned in,” and “routinely rambled on about his troubled relationship with his father in lieu of actually teaching anything.”

“No one deserves this award more than Professor Clark,” said LSA junior Aaron Belhardt. “I remember one time, I asked him what the format of the upcoming test was going to be, and he just sat there for about 30 seconds straight, glaring at me. Eventually, he just said that was none of my business and asked me to leave his office.”

As part of receiving the award, Clark is expected to deliver an honorary “First Lecture” on a topic “relevant to the thematic or factual content implied by the course title.” Clark insists that his planned lecture on Gandhi will be even more inspiring than last year’s lecture by MATH 115 GSI and 2012 Rotten Apple Winner Eric Fitzburgh entitled “Derivatives: What Are Those Things Again? I Forgot.”

At press time, Clark was seen furiously scribbling notes onto a napkin on his desk just minutes before his lecture, saying that the date “completely slipped [his] mind” and that his new plan was to “just wing it.”

Originally published: April 2013