Monthly Archives: September 2013
CHICAGO—Globally-recognized entertainer and well-known crazy person Kanye West held a press conference late Tuesday night to announce that he was, indeed, the savior, creator and ultimate deity of a new world religion: Kanyetholicism. In a culture that often creates gods out of celebrities, Mr. West is now believed to be the first celebrity to actually believe he is a god.
Dr. David Andrews, a noted clinical psychologist, observed that, “Mr. West seems to have a unique psychological condition. He seems to suffer from a mental illness that combines your standard messiah complex, with a room-filling ego and a crippling sense of paranoia.”
Dr. Andrews named this newly discovered condition Yeezus Complex.
The news of Mr. West’s self-proclaimed divinity came as a surprise to very few, as Mr. West recently released an album featuring a song entitled “I Am A God.” (Though it is unclear whether the speaker is Mr. West, another higher being, or some quantum- spiritual superposition of man-and-god-in- flesh.)
Historically, Mr. West has attributed a number of miracles to himself, including (1) the rightful bestowence of the VMA for Best Music Video 2009 on Beyonce; (2) the immaculate birth of his recently renamed child Yeezus Simba Mid-North-South-East-West: (3) the commercial success of My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy and (4) the act of delivering himself from his mother’s womb
while simultaneously creating beats that would later be used on his Grammy award winning album 808s & Heartbreak.
Mr. West’s self-attribution of miracles is a standard symptom of his condition, Dr. Andrews elaborated. “As a rapper, Kanye naturally had to be boastful almost as a defense mechanism. His current condition can be seen as a corruption of that once useful behavior. For example, Kanye would never refer to himself as just any rapper, but as the greatest rapper alive. In his new role as God, he isn’t just any old celebrity, but is instead an omniscient being that demands complete respect and devotion.”
When asked why he went against the grain and resisted joining the religion of the rich and famous, Scientology, Mr. West replied, “Way too much couch jumping man, and they gonna hate me for saying this, but that’s why y’all love me. Cause as God—I mean, as I say—Oprah would smack the shit out of a black man if he jumped all over her couch, shit looked expensive. Damn, fucking creepy ass Tom Cruise, free Katy Perry!”
Mr. West then exited his press conference with a flourish, in the newfound tradition of his religion, by leaning forward, snorting a line of coke off of a large pair of natural breasts with pancake-sized areolas, kicking his chair over, throwing one hundred dollar bills in the air and being booed off the stage screaming.
By Johnny Manziel
Hello America. In the wake of the uproar over Philadelphia receiver Riley Cooper’s videotaped use of the n-word at an outdoor music event, I feel it is only appropriate for me, Heisman-winner and generally beloved guy, Johnny Football, to apologize for any and all racial slurs I will likely utter at future Kenny Chesney concerts.
My actions will be reprehensible, and they should in no way be seen as a reflection of my personal attitudes, those of my family, or those of the Texas A&M football community. I will voluntarily enroll myself in a treatment program, and I will go to great lengths to mend fences with my African American teammates.
Yes, my actions will be foolish, (though not quite as bad as what I will say at Toby Keith concerts). But it is my sincere hope that we can look past a moment’s indiscretion and allow me to return to doing what I do best: drinking. And violating NCAA regulations. And cavorting with loose women. And Instagramming photographs of my Heisman Trophy holding a blunt in its outstretched arm. And, oh yeah, being really awesome at playing football.
By The Republic of Haiti
Hey, everybody. Not to be a Debbie Downer here, but remember us? That place that had its capital city demolished by a devastating earthquake three and a half years ago? Remember how everyone was like, “Haiti, we won’t forget about you in your time of need!”
Remember how well everyone came together in the earthquake’s immediate aftermath? All those musicians came together to remake that “We Are The World” song, and everyone got so inspired! There was Jamie Foxx, Justin Bieber, T-Pain, and even Barbara fucking Streisand! How awesome was that! And you guys got all revved up and were like, “this time, we’re going to stick together forever and help bring Haiti back from this disaster!” Remember how good that made everyone feel? We sure felt great knowing that someone was looking out for us.
Surprise! You forgot about us. Way to fucking go, you hypocritical bastards.
You dropped the ball. Yeah you, guys who helped organize donations to the Red Cross for about a month, and you, girl who spent all that time making those posters to raise awareness. All of a sudden, you all just decided that “ehh, Haiti’s got this under control now.” But we don’t! At all! We still have no infrastructure, no system of public health, so we’re still sitting here, sleeping in our feces, trying to escape this squalor we’ve been living in for the last three godforsaken years. So give yourselves a pat on the back; way to fucking go.
We’re actually not asking for very much. We don’t expect to be on your mind every waking moment. But seriously, the water here is undrinkable, there’s no food, and 54 percent of us live on less than one dollar a day. Hey news organizations, instead of commenting on things like how Lebron’s mom is dating a rapper, maybe you could write an article or two about the cholera outbreak that has been ravaging our nation since 2010. Just an idea.
You know what’s the worst of it, though? When everyone promises that they’ve got your back, and that they’re not going to stop until you’re back on your feet. Then a stupid volcano in Iceland called Eyjafjallajökull explodes, and bam, it’s like you don’t even exist. Eyjafjallajökull? Seriously? All it took was one funny Scandinavian word that no one can pronounce, and immediately we take on the importance of dog shit. You should be ashamed.
By Bashar al-Assad
Don’t get me wrong: it’s not easy being the cruel, sadistic leader of a country ravaged by civil war. The demanding hours, the high- pressure meetings, the constant, blood-curdling screams of innocent men, women, and children being slaughtered on my orders outside of my mansion…. it’s enough to give anyone a headache! But none of that—none of that—compares to the difficulty of being a father.
Take the other day, for example. I had just gotten home from a long day of plotting the wanton destruction of all supporters of the Arab Spring and their families, and I wanted nothing more than to sit back on my leather recliner, smoke my pipe, and read the paper in peace.
Fat chance of that happening! The minute I walked in the door, it was nothing but a whirlwind of tears, shouting, and name-calling. By the time I got there, Karim was threatening to shoot his brother and sister in the knees and capture them as political prisoners. I swear, I don’t know where these kids get it!
Needless to say, I sometimes have to dole out some serious discipline. In some ways, my role as President of Syria has helped me prepare in this regard; for example, withholding proper medical supplies to the
citizens of my country really made it easier to send Hafez to bed without dessert after he broke his mother’s favorite vase.
The fighting, disobedience, and general naughtiness of my kids can be annoying for sure. But most of all, it makes me worry about their futures. I want them to grow up to be hardworking, responsible, and overall good people. The kind of people who have the moral fortitude to know when and when not to bombard the living shit out of their own citizens with chemical weapons.
Even though it’s a constant struggle of teaching right and wrong, I like to think they’re on their way to becoming upstanding global citizens. When I walk into Zein’s room at night and see her smiling serenely, I could swear she’s dreaming about executing anyone who dares to document the atrocities occurring in Syria on a daily basis.
Overall, I can only hope that my kids will think of me the way I know my citizens think of me: tough, but fair, and dedicated to doing what’s best for them in the long run. And if committing a few crimes against humanity to get there is wrong, then hell, I don’t know if I want to be right.
Representatives for British musician James Blunt confirm that the singer’s upcoming tour will be “bigger than ever” with the addition of his recently released single “Bonfire Heart.” Blunt’s new set-list boasts an extended ten- minute performance, allowing him to “be a little creative” and “play around with the order” of his songs.
“There’s a new element of surprise with this tour,” said Blunt’s manager, Pete Graham. “Fans will be waiting in anticipation—will he open with his new song and end with an old fan favorite? Or will he open with a classic and end with a new song? It’s all very exciting.”
Graham’s sentiments were echoed strongly by many of Blunt’s fan’s, including Dusty Johnson, who hopes this year’s concert will surpass his previous experience. “Last year my friends and I went out to see him play a set,” Johnson explained. “Don’t get me wrong, the song was sick, but the acid we dropped before walking in
didn’t really kick in until the car ride home.” “Scariest fucking car ride ever,” added Johnson
after shaking his head reflectively.
In order to smooth Blunt’s transition into
this new venture, Graham has assembled a team to supply the singer with plenty of water throughout his performances, as well as cues to help him remember the lyrics to his songs.
“I’m thrilled that I can give back to my fans and challenge myself as a musician at the same time,” said Blunt in a recent interview. “You know, with a whole new song in the mix, people can shout out requests now, which is both fun and overwhelming—I mean, they could pick anything and I have to be prepared to play it.”
According to representatives, Blunt will kick off his month-long tour next week, after which he will vacation in Italy “indefinitely” to rest and recuperate.
‘She said exactly what she meant in complete sentences. [How] the fuck am I supposed to respond to that?’
DENVER—Upon discovering an excruciatingly genuine, honest, and unaffected post on his wall from his grandmother last weekend, Julian Altman, 23, found himself catapulted into a powerful internal struggle between his affection for his Grandma Shirley on the one hand and his full-blown rejection of communicative sincerity on the other.
“So there I am scrolling through my news feed, which is positively rife with mordant wit and ironic pretense,” Altman said, “And Grandma Shirley drops this bombshell of candid, earnest feeling right there on my wall. The woman actually writes a whole paragraph just to tell me I’m ‘on her mind’ and that she hopes the semester is starting off well. What am I supposed to say to that? ‘Thanks! All is well Grandma. Love you too.’?”
“That shit is totally incongruous with my semantic aesthetics,” Altman added.
“When your default mode of interaction involves a presumed refusal to engage authentically with the real world, candid expression of legitimate feelings can really bone you sideways,” wrote linguist Ronald Norbert in an email to The Every Three Weekly.
The post in question—with its unsettlingly honest portrayal of Grandma Shirley’s thoughts and feelings—interrupted a protracted volley of cheeky comments among Altman and his friends about how the exam preparation for an upcoming statistical methods course was likely to require “three kilos of crack and a coffee enema,” to which Altman had responded, without further elaboration, with a link to an enema kit on Amazon Prime.
According to Altman, the capacity of his grandmother’s comment to thrust him out of his aggressively ironic posture was “pretty fucking unnerving.”
MASTER BEDROOM/THE DUNGEON?— The highly anticipated film Fifty Shades of Grey is still a year away from release, yet production company Focus Features is already causing quite a stir around the nation. Following the announcement of actor Charlie Hunnam to play novel protagonist Christian Grey, many fans have resorted to pathetically masturbating to a vague idea of whoever the hell this Charlie Hunnam is. Harold Shaw of Ann Arbor is also awaiting the film’s debut, though more out of fear than excitement.
“No, I’ve never read the book,” attests Shaw. “But I’ve heard there’s some real freaky stuff that
goes on and God only knows what my wife is going to expect in the bedroom after that movie comes out.”
Busy installing iron bracers under the couple’s king size bed, Shaw worries that he will not be able to live up to the raw sexual power of the book’s young entrepreneur Christian. Shaw, who already deals with erectile dysfunction, states that not knowing how many times he will be expected to pleasure his wife using only his fists or while wearing nipple clamps and a dog collar around his neck “really puts a lot of pressure on [him].”
Shaw mentioned that he was obviously a little
excited to see what would be in store for him in a year, but also incredibly terrified of the things he may have to learn and perfect before then. Browsing through Urban Dictionary’s collection of sex terms, Shaw sighed and slumped back in his chair.
“The Philly Steamroller? The Thai Tow-Truck? Jesus. At this age, I’ve got enough trouble with the Missionary.”
Shaw’s wife Alice has not read the novel either but has mentioned she and her girlfriends “might make a night out of it,” giving Shaw only about 332 days to prepare for one “steamy night in the sack.”
“So far, I’ve got about 20 dildos stockpiled up in my garage—ranging in size, color, mold, texture, and material,” noted Shaw as he ran down his Excel sheet, which also listed seven vibrators, two pairs of handcuffs (both fuzzy and metal), one Mega Sized Fun Box of Legos, a gallon of Miracle Whip, and a set of 4-irons.
“I have no idea how this thing is going to play out,” Shaw admitted. “I’ll either end up in a world of pleasure far more intense than I’ve ever dared to dream about, or in the hospital nursing several rectal tears. Either way, it’ll be an experience, I guess.”
WASHINGTON D.C.—In a report released to members of Congress during a special hearing regarding overreaches in NSA Surveillance, it was revealed that 64 percent of information used to capture and target terrorists is obtained through the Domino’s Pizza Tracker.
While it has long been rumored that terrorists cannot resist the savory delights of Domino’s Original Hand Tossed Pizzas®, the American public was shocked to hear that the status of their Domino’s Pizza deliveries were not only meticulously tracked by the company, but also by the sweaty, paranoid employees of the National Security Agency.
According to the documents, tactical utilization of the Dominos Pizza Tracker began in late 2010, when a CIA operative, with the cooperation of Domino’s Pizza, disseminated the online coupon code “DTH2AMRCA” amongst known and suspected Al-Qaeda operatives. Enticed by the opportunity to receive a free 16-piece Parmesan Bread Bites with the order of a Medium two-topping Pan Pizza at menu price, militants began placing orders using the coupon code, completely unaware of the NSA/ CIA operation underway.
Predator drone operator Dale Abbot testified to Congress as to how exactly the CIA utilized the information gathered through the Domino’s Pizza Tracker. “Every time a pizza order was placed using the code within the Northern Waziristan section of Pakistan, the delivery address was uploaded directly to the nearest predator drone, which would promptly deliver anywhere from one to six Hellfire Missiles to the customer’s location.”
Upon hearing the news, many Americans have expressed outrage at what they see as an invasion of their Constitutional right to privacy. “I pay my taxes and serve on jury duty whenever I’m called upon to do so. In exchange, I expect the government to leave me to order fast food in peace. What business is it of theirs whether I prefer the Spinach and Feta ArtisanTM Pizza or the Fiery HawaiianTM?” remarked accountant Candace Shepherd.
“Sure, they say they’re only assessing security risks,” added metalworker Terry Robbins, “but next thing you know they’re taking advantage of my love for double pepperoni by jacking up the topping price three times as high.”
Congress has scrutinized all responsible for involvement in Pizza Tracker surveillance, but those accused stood firmly by the operation.
“Nothing that we did was illegal in any way,” Abbot spat into the microphone while pounding his fist. “After the target was neutralized, we delivered the Medium two-topping Pan Pizza and complimentary 16-piece Parmesan Bread Bites as promised. And we never even got a tip.”
Abbot then added, “So who’s the real criminal?”
‘The Freshman Roommate Experience is Essential’ Report People Who Like Sleeping Next to Complete Strangers
In a written statement released Monday afternoon, the American Society of Sickos who Enjoy Living with Strangers (ASSELS) reiterated their support of the “traditional” freshman residential experience.
“We believe that the institution of roommates can only legitimately be defined as the union of one Computer Science Major from Taiwan and one high school quarterback from Grosse Pointe,” read the statement, which was signed by notable ASSELS including your parents, orientation leader, and high school guidance counselor.
“Furthermore, we ASSELS staunchly believe that to allow young men and women to choose the partner with whom they will share a $1,000-a-month shoebox in Bursley is highly unnatural and would mark a wrong turn for University society.”
A recent poll of incoming freshmen (97% of whom will be living on campus, mostly with random roommates) indicates that, by and large, they too relish the experience of sleeping next to, changing in front of, and pretending not to smell the body odors of complete strangers. Though with 57% of students surveyed considering themselves “open-minded” toward domestic partnerships between two people who “don’t really know each other, but one is really good friends with the other’s cousin so it seems like a relatively safe bet,” the study also indicated that a certain threshold of residential progressivism exists within the Class of 2017.
Originally published: September 2013
NORTH QUAD—LSA Sophomore Alex Locher’s worst fears came to a sudden realization after a screening of the film Pitch Perfect on his girlfriend’s laptop Wednesday night.
“Huh. That actually wasn’t that bad,” Locher said upon completion of the film, continuing to add that the film he had expected to hate was, in fact, “pretty good and kinda funny.”
“I really thought I wasn’t going to like it,” added Locher, who caved into his girlfriend’s repeated requests to watch it after persistently reassuring him that it was more than just a glorified Glee rip-off.
“I’m not normally into singing a capella chick movies, really, but this one was different. I don’t want to give too much away, but there’s a character named Fat Amy and one song is actually really good because they sing it naked in the shower. That was probably my favorite part. And Anna Kendrick is hot, and she has this super angsty relationship with her dad. What can I say? I’m a sucker for girls with daddy issues.”
Locher is apparently not alone, as many boyfriends across the nation have recently come out and admitted that the film had its merits and that they just might even like it.
Amateur film critic and boyfriend Noah Levithan commented on the phenomenon, stating “Pitch Perfect is a real game changer. It’s the first female-oriented movie to be widely accepted by men since Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis went down on each other in 2010’s Black Swan.”
In response to the film’s popularity, a sequel to Pitch Perfect is currently in the works, something male fans of the film eagerly await.
“If they make a sequel I hope they go for a hard R,” said Locher, “I’d love to see that blonde chick’s jugs.”
Originally published: September 2013