Monthly Archives: October 2013

Sir Isaac Newton Live Blogs Scientific Inaccuracies of Gravity

RAVE CINEMAS – As of this moment, I, Sir Isaac Newton, am being led by several representatives of something called “The Warner Brother Picture Company”, into some sort of dark theatre.

Oh my, if these are not the most comfortable chairs that I have had the pleasure to sit upon. I am told that the presentation will begin soon. The lights are dimming. How do these Warner Brothers expect us to view a scientific presentation on the nature of gravity if the lights…

What is this?!? A strange solar beam has emerged from the rear of the room. WHAT DEVIL MAGIC HAVE YOU BROUGHT UPON US, YE BROTHERS WARNER?!?

Upon the screen, a picture appears… yet it moves! It is as if some enchantress has bewitched a painting beyond its enternal slumber. CALM YOURSELF PAINTING, FOR SERENITY MAY ONLY BE RESTORED WHEN ALL ARE RID OF YOUR SIGHT.

But hark! A booming voice, as if from the mouth of God himself commands the attention of the room! The other attendants seem unperturbed, most likely already hypnotized by whatever demon now commands our senses.

CEASE THIS INHUMANE MOCKERY DEMON! I, SIR ISSAC NEWTON, COMMANDER OF LOGIC AND SCIENCE, DO PROTEST TO THIS TRICKERY. What’s this? The voice has stopped. Now plain English text fills the screen, warning me of “coarse language and violence” ahead. What games do you wish… AND IT’S BACK AGAIN!

BY ALL GOOD AND HOLY IN THE UNIVERSE, WHAT IS THAT DEAFENING ROAR? THIS DEVILISH ORCHESTRATION? INIQUITOUS HELLBEING.

I lay here now, immersed in my insanity, floating through the heavens , surely perished from whatever ailment took hold of my body and soul. What trickery have you unleashed upon these people, Brothers Warner? Why do you insist on promising science but delivering only pain!

What is this? The lights have come on. WE ARE ALIVE! I will follow the others out of this evil sanctuary.

Originally published October 2013

It’s Chilly Out There, Don’t You Think You Should Put on a Sweater? by Your Older, More Experienced Sophomore Roommate

Have you checked the weather today? I’m just sayin’, because I know you’re new to Michigan, so you don’t get how crazy the weather can be. I know it was 70 degrees yesterday, but damn, today it is cold – like 58-degrees-cold. Yeah, you’re definitely not in Wisconsin anymore.

Hold on, hold on – please tell me you’re going to eat breakfast…here, take an apple. No need to thank me, I’m just being a good mentor, trying to help you out. I know it’s hard to believe, but it wasn’t too long ago that I was in your shoes. I came here from Florida last year – man, that feels like a lifetime ago, you know? No, no, what am I saying? Of course you don’t know. But you will.

And when you do, you’ll really miss this time of innocence and total ignorance – (maybe you should start making your bed while I’m talking?) – I mean, I envy your youthful optimism and your blind commitment to a worthless liberal arts degree, I really do. But the woman you see today is hardened by experience. I’ve seen things, heard things that you wouldn’t understand – oh, but I won’t burden you with that just yet.

Just know that I’ve been in your position and I’ve come through to the other side. A year from now, you’ll be just as experienced and mature as me. No, I mean it! Sounds crazy, right? But before you know it, you’ll find yourself riding the Bursley-Baits bus like a pro and strolling into class at ‘Michigan time’ with a free bagel and coffee from the Alumni Center; that first time you make a freshman’s day by telling them what ‘Welcome Wednesday’ is… well, that’s when you can smile and say to yourself, “I’ve made it.”

But until then, just make sure to do every single thing I say. Like my laundry, for instance – it’s for your own good, even though you’re not mature enough to understand that yet.

I’ve gotta say, you’re lucky to have me, what with all my experience and wisdom.

Originally published October 2013

I Know You Didn’t Throw that Ball, by an Irate Dog

Dear Ted,

I’d like to take a moment to address a situation that occurred at approximately 5:34 PM yesterday evening. It was just one in a line of many such occurrences, and frankly, it has become not only distasteful but downright rude.

Do you honestly believe yourself to be such a masterful disguiser of the truth that I won’t notice when you over-exaggerate a tossing motion and feign release of the tennis ball? How dare you insult my intelligence so extremely! You, sir, are a smelly butt. And not the good kind, either.

Ted, this is the part that really gets me—I’m supposed to be your best friend. If I had fingers, I’d cross them to show how tight I thought we were, and that’s really hard for dogs and humans to get. I thought we were Stewie and Brian, but now I’m realizing you weren’t the bald genius, you were the precocious douchebag. I was always there offering comfort when you came home from a hard day at work to your wife’s piercing shrieks about colors being mixed with whites and toothpaste residue left in the sink, and I was there to hum…hug your leg when your daughter sprayed your Rogaine instead of whipped cream on the company picnic pie. So what if I used my nose to point to the Rogaine instead of the whipped cream when she asked me in the kitchen? It’s not my fault you raised an idiot who can’t read and talks to dogs. By the way, make sure she takes me on walks more often, she’s very weak and it’s easy to pull the leash out of her hands so I can go play doggie style with the poodle down the street.

Regardless, I’d like you to consider this my resignation. I refuse to partake in your shenanigans any longer, as you are almost always laughing at me, not with me as you would have me believe. I’m a living organism, and I will not be subject to the ridicule you’ve put me through any longer. There will be no more carrying of balls and sticks in my mouth, and I won’t be playing fetch with you either. I’m four, and that makes me like, thirty-two in dog years, so it’s long past time I strike out on my own. But first, I’m going to stand at the door barking and scratching until you let me out. It took me a really long time to write this letter and I have to pee now. Don’t forget to put my leash on though, or I’ll surely go chase that skunk that lives in the drainage pipe at the edge of the lawn.

Sincerely, Maximilian

Originally published October 2013

Super Excited Mitch McGary Tweets Chance Encounter with Markley Hall Council President

Michigan Sophomore Mitch McGary tweeted his delight after a chance encounter with Markley Hall Council President Andrew Blumenthal. McGary, who describes himself as “a Markley Hall Council super fan,” recently tweeted, “OMG Mark Hall Prez Andrew Blumenthal took seat next to me in Chipotle #freakingout’”

The preseason All-American basketball player admitted the experience had left him star struck. “You know when you come to Michigan that guys like Andrew Blumenthal are walking around,” Said McGary, “But to actually see him. It was so cool, he’s just like the minutes from the council’s meetings describe him. I thought it might just look like him so I snapped a picture of the back of his head and sent it to Stauskus. He agreed it was totally him. He ordered right after me, Chicken Tacos, Classic Blumenthal.”

McGary did mention that his intense interest in the Markley Hall Council concerned some, but he didn’t see his fandom as a negative thing. “A lot of people think I’m crazy when I stay up late at night to follow the councils work on the procurement and maintenance of gifts for Markley Hall residents, but in it’s simplicity I find the councils work really inspiring and their dedication extraordinary. When I see the hard work of superstars like Andrew I remember that pride I feel when I tell someone I’m a Michigan Wolverine.

Originally published October 2013

Gatorade Cured My Neck Cancer, By Peyton Manning

Hey y’all, it’s me, Peyton, the quarterback of the Denver Broncos, who has thrown for something like a league leading 16 touchdowns and zero interceptions. Now that’s a fact that seems remarkable considering I am a 37-year-old man. It becomes all the more remarkable when you remember that I just had two vertebrae in my neck fused together in a risky and experimental surgery less than 18 months ago. A lot of you are probably wondering how I could overcome such a horrific and life threatening injury to come back and play at such a high level in one of our nation’s most competitive sports. And while I would like to tell y’all it was all thanks to my own hard work, faith and perseverance that would be a lie because a good deal of the credit should go to Gatorade®. Gatorade® cured my neck cancer, and they are more than just a sponsor to me… they are my own personal savior.

I remember the day I learned I had neck cancer, I was sitting in the doctor’s office with my little brother Eli, don’t ask me why it is important for a thirty seven year old man to refer to his 32 year old brother as little, but my marketing people say it helps with my likeability scores. Anyways, I remember the doctor said, “Peyton, it’s your neck…” and that’s when I stopped listening, because contractually if we are not talking about NFL Football or how big a steal DirectTV® is for more than 10 seconds, I am legally obligated to stop paying attention. So I never did find out what type of cancer my neck had, I suppose I could ask my little brother Eli since he was there, man that guy loves me. Not in a gay way though, nothing gay about it, just one straight dude who happens to love his brother.

Anyways, I’m not sure what part of Gatorade’s magical formula helped cure my neck cancer but I hope it’s the same part that helps me refuel and replaces all the stuff I lose when I sweat that water doesn’t. I hate water; don’t touch the stuff, just good old Orange Gatorade® for me. Or the Blue Gatorade® in the sucky top bottle, that’s the best. If I had my way, we would be building wells in Africa so that every child had access to good, clean, Gatorade® instead of dirty old water. That’s actually what part of my foundation, The Peyton and Archie but not Eli Manning Foundation does. Eli wouldn’t join my foundation because he thought the idea of drilling Gatorade® wells was offensive and idiotic, but you would be surprised how many kids die from drinking dirty water every day. In closing folks, I’m sure some so-called “doctors” would dispute the notion that Gatorade® cured my neck cancer, who cares, so what? I’m saying Gatorade® is the most essential liquid on earth and DEFINITELY cured my neck cancer, and not just because they are paying me a boatload of cash. Now if only someone could figure out how to get Gatorade® on your phone so I can get Eli to rap about it.

Originally published October 2013

Sochi Olympic Committee Bans 60% of Winter Sports Under Russian Anti-Gay Laws: Figure Skating, Curling First To Go

Citing new Russian laws that ban the presentation of “homosexual propaganda” to minors, the Sochi 2014 Olympic Committee announced that it would be canceling 60% of its previously scheduled events due to their “undeniable gayness.”

Said chairman Boris Zorolev in a written statement, “it is not the responsibility ofour committee to pass judgment on the decisions of our president or his government. It is our responsibility to uphold the law of the Russian Federation. Therefore we took it upon ourselves to get rid of all the gay sports. Now we can live free from fear that our children will think it acceptable to frolic around an ice rink in tights and sequins.”

Zorolev’s statement goes on to outline the particular features that make an athletic event homosexual, including “the packing of more than one man into a sled, athletes names Apollo, and/or the presence of brooms in an athletic event.

Immediately rejected from the roster were figure skating, curling, bobsled, and speed skating. Less clear, however, was the committee’s stance on the biathlon, where it appeared officials could go both ways.

As of press time, Russian president Vladimir Putin could not be reached for comment as he is away on a “shirtless judo retreat” with longtime political partner and current Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev.

Taylor Lewan to Change Number to 69 Because, Well, You Know

The Big House Locker Room– Following Michigan quarterback Devin Gardner’s permanent number change to 98, in honor of Heisman Trophy Winner Tom Harmon, Senior captain Taylor Lewan announced he will also be changing his jersey.

“The change to 69 came after a lot of thought. Seeing Devin’s inspiring performances wearing 98 made me think about how I honor the most important things in my life. For Devin, 98 can represent his commitment to the tradition of Michigan football. For me the number 69 symbolizes,well, some commitments of my own,” Lewan stated, winking.

The team has been supportive of Ryan’s decision, citing his outstanding leadership qualities and great play on the field. Linebacker and fellow captain Cam Gordon attested that “Taylor has earned the right to wear whatever number he chooses. Frankly, I’m just upset I didn’t get 69 first. Well, maybe I did, if you know what I’m sayin’!”

“This guy knows what I’m talking about!”Avery added as he fist-bumped a teammate passing by. “Am I right!?”

The significance of the numbers aside, the Michigan Athletic Department is sure to financially benefit from the number change as well. Yet some parents seem uneasy about allowing their children to purchase the new Lewan jerseys. Mother and Michigan alumna Jennifer Matthewson of Saline, Michigan, told reporters that she wasn’t sure whether her son would be getting a new jersey.

“Sure, my eight-year-old son wants Taylor’s new number 69 jersey. And can you imagine if he asked why the number is new? I’ve already explained the birds and the bees, but I refuse to talk to him about what happens when a man kisses a woman’s no-no while she licks his ding-a-ling at the same time! How embarrassing!”

Originally published October 2013

Student Dares to Resist Conforming to Female Beauty Norms

Classmates of LSA junior Amanda Osgood have become increasingly disturbed by her casual clothing, messy ponytail, and apparent total disregards for the rules of society. Osgood reportedly hit a new low on Tuesday when she was bold enough to wear sweatpants to her Econ 101 lecture.

“It’s just sad,” commented classmate Rebecca Barnes. “Doesn’t she know boys are supposed to look at her all day?”

Osgood, who is too goddamn lazy to even put on some sparkly lip gloss, has so far failed to see the problem with her frumpy appearance. “I just don’t feel like I need to dress up when I go to class,” Osgood said.

Reactions commonly range from anger to pity, although some believe there is hope for her yet.

“It’s so simple. If she’d only apply a thick layer of foundation followed by bronzer on her entire face, dust some blush on her cheekbones, blend a couple of eye shadows together on her upper lids, draw a thick line of eyeliner, and alternatingly apply mascara to and curl her eyelashes for about 30 minutes to give her that seductive smoky eye look, she might actually look cute,” LSA sophomore Brenda Porter said. “Of course after that, she’d also have to learn about what to do with her hair and what kind of clothes to wear, but it’d be a start at least.”

So far, however, Osgood has remained immune to common sense and simple advice.

“To be honest, I’m proud that I can be comfortable being seen in public without looking like a model. I’d rather people judge me for my personality than my looks,” said Osgood, who clearly just does not get it.

Originally published Oct 2013.

Local Church Marketing Campaign to Involve Even More Fucking Sidewalk Chalk

Citing a desire to connect with a hip, young demographic, Ann Arbor’s Holy Life Church launched a new marketing campaign that will include “a continued and increased use of sidewalk chalk,” wrote the church in a press release.

Chalk will be distributed to student volunteers, who will write intentionally vague and confusing slogans on pavement and cement walls in high-traffic areas such as C.C. Little, the Diag and the lower part of Hill Campus. Slogans will include “I bet you didn’t,” “You are not alone” and “He knows what you did last summer.”

Additionally, work has begun on giant murals, which will feature images of Jesus Christ engaging in such tasks as mentoring innercity schoolchildren, jumping the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle and playing lead guitar in the rock band Van Halen.

The marketing campaign will seek to portray the church as a fresh alternative to traditional organized Christianity, which tends to drive young people away due to a decreased relevance in modern life, strict, unworkable social stances and a distinct lack of sidewalk chalk.

“This isn’t your parents’ church,” said Rev. Tim Thompson. “We want to let college students know that religion can be fun, fulfilling and chalky. Using more sidewalk chalk is the obvious way to communicate this.”

Other elements include more flexible worship hours, contemporary religious music and casual services, but “those are all secondary to the chalk,” said Rev. Thompson.

Holy Life initially had trouble amassing enough sidewalk chalk for the endeavor, but has since acquired a four-year exclusivity contract with Crayola’s chalk division, said Rev. Thompson.

“We thought people figured out how to get high off the stuff,” said an anonymous Crayola executive. “I mean, what other use could you possibly have for this much chalk?”

While most student reaction to the campaign have ranged from “meh” to “whatever,” some groups have requested that the university cap sidewalk chalk usage at somewhere around 6 pounds per week.

Rev. Thompson acknowledged the concerns, saying “we understand that there’s a fine line between free-speech and vandalism. We want to get as close to that line as possible without crossing it.”

When asked his opinion on the matter, God said, “I mean it’s okay I guess, but I’ll probably just make it rain once it starts pissing Me off.”

Originally published Oct 2013.

Quick-Thinking Introvert Narrowly Avoids Human Interaction by Staring at Phone

Ken Withers, 28, after the young recluse reportedly drew his phone with cat-like reflexes in order to avert a friendly conversation with someone entering the same elevator as him. After nodding semi-politely at the man’s cheery “good morning,” witnesses claim Withers maintained his ground for about half a minute before exiting on floor five unscathed.

Withers, a veteran introvert, luckily had extensive experience in avoiding any and all forms of meaningful social interaction; sources close to Withers confirm that he has, on occasion, passed classmates and even close friends without making eye contact and has spent days without faceto- face communication of any kind with another human being. Sources claim Withers relied on this crucial experience to avoid what onlookers referred to as the “nightmare scenario” of inevitable amiable engagement with another person.

“That guy was coming straight at him, all ‘good morning this,’ ‘how you doing’ that,” said security guard Ryan O’Connor. “It was a close one. Thankfully Withers knew what he was doing in a pinch; the battery in his phone was completely dead, but that didn’t stop him for a second. He whipped it out without thinking, without hesitation. He sure taught that jerk what happens when you try to amicably greet a stranger.”

According to witnesses, Withers stared calmly at his blank phone, thumbing it aimlessly and clearing his throat as the other elevator passenger stood beside him for what must have been a solid thirty seconds, only yielding once to cough into his arm.

When asked for comment, Withers claimed that what he did was “nothing extraordinary.”

“I’m not really, erm, a hero or… like… um,” mumbled Withers incoherently as he shifted from foot to foot, staring alternatively at the ground, his phone, and to the left. “Anyone else, you know, would have, um…”

Originally published Oct 2013.