Monthly Archives: November 2013
SOLAR TEMPLE—Sophomore Stacey Bean has officially left the Theta Kappa Gamma Sorority to further pursue her interests in the Order of the Solar Temple, a local organization dedicated to friendship and higher meaning/ cult.
In search of a stronger sense of self and more autonomy with her life, Bean decided to leave her sorority sisters last week after months of feeling unfulfilled. “I realized I didn’t like the structured routine of Kappa Gamma. I had to eat when my sisters ate and had to wear what they wore,” Bean stated. “In the Solar temple, I can eat my allotted cabbage bars when I’m hungry, choose the color of my robe, and pray to Lord ZarTak anytime I want!”
After leaving Kappa Gamma, observers report that Bean seems to be happier than she’s ever been. “Stacey never got into the groove of Sorority life. She would always complain about how dumb our rituals were,” stated Rachel Hazan, a current member of Kappa Gamma. “But when I saw Stacey yesterday, passing out leaflets in the diag with tin foil on her head, she looked the happiest I’ve ever seen her. I think she made the
Bean, who joined Kappa
Gamma sorority her freshman year, noticed early on that Greek life wasn’t for her. “From the beginning I felt that something was wrong. We all had to sing the chapter anthem the night I got initiated and I just felt ridiculous,” Bean said as she slapped her thighs with a rubber glove to ward off evil spirits, a common practice at the Temple. “I got the feeling this was not the life for an independent woman like me.”
Unlike Theta Kappa Gamma, the Order of the Solar Temple has surprisingly few rules and even fewer New Yorkers, which Bean was attracted to immediately. Bean, a 20 year old from Cleveland, wanted to be a part of a community at Michigan while also learning more about herself. Both, she initially thought, could be achieved with Kappa Gamma.
“I was disappointed with the lack of diversity in Kappa. I was living with fifty white girls just like me,” Bean told reporters. The sophomore now happily lives with
The sophomore now happily lives with Hispanics, African Americans, two multidimensional beings taking form in the shape of spider plants, and––her ‘personal favorite’––Molly the house goat.
Bean, who ran for president of Kappa Gamma, and lost, finally feels satisfied with where she is. “I just couldn’t be another sheep in the system. I had to do more,” Bean stated. “I’ve been a member of the Temple for only a couple of weeks and I’m already a level nine Guardian!”
Sources report that chemistry GSI Stacy’s unparalleled ability to perform research, contextualize data, and advance chemical engineering is seriously hindered by her inability to speak conversational English.
The 24-year-old Stacy, with an unpronounceable first and last name, who excelled at science from a young age, achieved perfect scores on her country’s college entrance exam, and enrolled at the University of Michigan in order to avail herself of American scientific resources, has struggled to communicate her brilliance with her class of twenty undergraduates.
“I guess she’s smart, cause she’s a Chem-E grad student and all,” said sophomore Eric King. “But I have no clue what she’s saying. I don’t want
to seem racist by asking her to repeat herself, though.”
“I just pass class time by going on Buzzfeed and then teach myself the content later off the professor’s lecture slides,” claimed junior Alexandra Taylor. “Stacy seems nice, but I’d definitely be better off napping right now.”
Sources report that Park recently made great bounds in her research on cancer fighting compounds, but the scientific community will not be fully aware of these findings until she runs them through Google Translate.
THAT ONE DISPENSARY RIGHT ACROSS FROM ROSS—School of Art and Design senior Skylar Higgins reportedly must have desperately needed that medical marijuana prescription which abruptly left a friend’s party around 11:40 PM on Saturday to pick up.
“Thanks for having me over guys, it was a blast, but now it’s time to pick up some kind bud so I can really make the most of tonight, you feel me?” Higgins said with a playful wink.
Partygoers were saddened to realize that Higgins’ medical condition must have been extremely severe to necessitate a late night emergency stop to obtain large quantities of the controlled substance.
“Can you imagine what kind of pain you would have to be in to need a prescription in the middle of the night like that? His glaucoma, chronic nausea, insomnia, mild social anxiety or whatever must be pretty damn brutal,” LSA senior André Lucas said.
“Jeez, poor Skylar. I wonder what’s wrong
with him? Hopefully it’s nothing a green prescription tube of some dank-ass med-grade Tutankhamen can’t fix,” agreed Engineering junior Thalia Wheland.
After picking up four grams of the medication, Higgins was seen purchasing a Slurpee, two Milky Way candy bars, and a family-sized bag of Cheetos Puffs before heading to the apartment of his friends Chet and TJ. The group reportedly watched an entire season of Adventure Time on Netflix and listened to Daft Punk’s “Technologic” on repeat for 45 minutes. Soon after, Higgins, who reportedly had red eyes and a dopey grin on his face, left for his apartment, where he then slept deeply for 13 hours straight.
At press time, it had been discovered that the prescription bottle remained unopened and was delivered to Higgins’ mother, who is currently struggling with negative side effects from the treatment for her stage III ovarian cancer.
At the request of campus groups advocating for safer sex practices, select residence hall vending machines were recently stocked with a variety of generic-brand condoms. However according to students, the real problem is not unsafe sex practices, but rather a persistent lack of sex altogether.
“Honestly, I’m sick of those things reminding me of my desert-dry dick every time I go downstairs to snatch a pack Sun Chips,” said LSA sophomore Carl Williams. A current resident of West Quad’s Chicago House, Williams insisted that the presence of condoms in the machines only served as a painful reminder of his consummate failure trying to bed a lady all semester.
“Look. Not everybody’s Van Wilder,” Williams continued. “Not everybody can be the Ron Jeremy of West Quad. I get it! I know! But before gutting the entire middle row of Altoids and cinnamon buns, they really should have considered what it’s like for a dude like me to spend all night watching American Dad reruns by myself.”
Similar complaints were voiced in response to the many safe-sex information pamphlets distributed across campus.
“Don’t worry, Michigan. My hand and I are playing it real safe,” said Engineering senior
Rob MacMillan. Don’t want to take any chances. God knows I have got no earthly idea where my dick has been in the past––shit, what is it?––like fourteen months? And while you’re at it: maybe give me some tips on how to woo a bunch of cold prudes instead!”
MacMillan, who actively avoids glancing at the small foil packets—conveniently placed at eye level—is in the process of filing a formal petition to have the condoms removed from the vending machines, specifically the one near his room.
“All I have to look forward to at the end of the night is a Snickers bar or some blue raspberry Pop Tarts. I am well aware that there is nothing more than a cold, empty bed waiting for me in my room. You don’t have to rub it in by reminding me where to get a sterile, plastic cock- sleeve in case the impossible happens. I mean, Jesus, just let me have my few moments of sugar- induced satisfaction without subjecting me to the psychological onslaught of misbegotten opportunities. Please.”
As of press time, MacMillan had, in fact, purchased one condom using his Blue Bucks allotment because, you know, just in case.
The Department of Revisionist History announced on Tuesday that, as part of a wider effort to put a more “positive and palatable” spin on history’s various “past let-downs and mishaps,” it plans to confer newer, less troublesome names on the events currently understood as history’s darkest moments—spanning fascism, communism, genocide, racism, slavery, religious persecution, and colonialism.
“The new names are far superior to the old ones, which carried all the baggage of emotional trauma, moral failing, and sociopolitical catastrophe,” explained history professor Ike Herman. “Broadly speaking, we’re emphasizing the need to replace general terms like ‘assassination’ and ‘coup’ to ‘surprise’ and ‘military-fun-time.’ Specifically, we’re hoping to change ‘World War I,’ ‘nuclear bomb,’ and ‘The Cold War’ to ‘Big Oops I,’ ‘flash-boom ground-shaker,’ and ‘The Period of Prolonged-But-Peaceful Passive Aggression’ respectively.
“Some of the old terms were downright inaccurate, though,” Herman continued. “For example, what we used to call the Rape of Nanking is a gross exaggeration of the type of violence that occurred at the time. Sure there was rape, but really what the majority of the population died from was the brutal machete attacks. That’s why we think the new name we’ve given that event, The Machete Mayhem at Nanking, while being more accurate, also has the ‘it’ factor that gets students excited to learn, something the previous name clearly lacked.”
The History Department has come up with a variety of names it thinks has strong potential. Further examples include changing the Trail of Tears to the Bungled Blanket Incident, and renaming the Medieval Crusades the Persian Incursion.
“Look, I’m not gonna sit here and tell ya that we didn’t have some fun coming up with these,” admits Professor Herman. “The Atomic Bombing of Japan by the United States posed an interesting challenge, but then the inspiration struck. If the word ‘bikini’ supposedly got its name from the nuclear bomb testing at Bikini Atoll in the Marshall Islands, why couldn’t we take the word back, make it history’s again? We thought of the Bikini Bombing that very night.”
When reached for comment, survivors of history’s various blunders simply stated that members of the public were free to call these goof-ups “whatever the hell they want.”
Originally published Nov 2013
BEYOND THE PEARLY GATES— As the world continues to crumble into despair, heavenly sources confirmed that God, Divine Ruler of the Universe and Creator of the Fruit of the Vine, carries out his sacred duties with exclusively two concerns: professional athletics, and outstanding achievements in recorded music as recognized by the Latin Academy of Recording Arts & Sciences.
This recent revelation from the Lord our God sheds light on the rationale behind Earth’s struggle with the tremendous atrocities that seem to pervade every corner of the Earth. When asked for comment on what he was doing to prevent the myriad catastrophes of day-to-day life on Earth—such as genocide, rape, or slowly buffering videos on YouTube—God replied: “Who cares about that crap? Did you see the game last night? LeBron went off!” He then proceeded to regale journalists with the tale of LeBron James’ jaw-dropping performance against the Los Angeles Lakers, in which James recorded 54 points, 13 assists, 10 rebounds, and 4 steals.
The Holy One made it clear that, in the grand scheme of things that He has infallibly designed, He consistently chooses to direct his efforts to “way more important shit” than “world peace or hunger or whatever,” citing LeBron James’ controversial decision to leave Cleveland for South Beach as a key point of concern for the Author and Perfecter of our Faith. “Everyone was hating on [James], for like, no reason,” God said. “So, I decided to do some good and give the guy a couple championship rings while elevating his game to the next level. And keep an eye on Dwight Howard this year,” the Everlasting Father added with a with a wink.
Marginally-important music awards are reportedly a chief concern for our Great Shepherd as well. The Latin Grammy Award Winner for ‘Best New Artist’ of 2012, 3BallMTY, recently benefitted from the direct impact of the Lord.
“After a friend suggested I check out their demo tape, I listened to their stuff and I was immediately amazed,” God told reporters. “I stuck with them from the start, and you know what? They were right to thank me in their acceptance speech. They could have been nobodies, but now, thanks to Yours Truly, the Anointed One and one true Horn of Salvation, they’ve signed a kick-ass record deal with Latin Power Music and are touring Mexico as we speak.”
In a world reportedly plagued by the ruthless slaughter and bloodless exploitation of countless unfailing devotees of the Prince of Prince, our Supreme Being ended His press conference rather abruptly, commanding reporters to “shut the fuck up, the game is on.”
With the November 30th rivalry game between Michigan and Ohio State University rapidly approaching, Ross sophomore Sam Alfarzi has been nearly unable to talk about anything lately except for his intense loathing of the OSU football team; completely ignoring things far more deserving of his contempt such as child molesters, killers, institutional racism, and cancer, among others.
“If there’s one thing that sucks about this world, it’s the Buckeyes,” Alfarzi said while stepping over a homeless man on his way to class. “Sure, they may have never committed a genocide, disenfranchised an entire people, or really harmed anyone in any serious way, but goddamn if they aren’t the smuggest bastards you’ll ever meet.”
Although Alfarzi is not “completely sure” what makes the Ohio sports team so much worse than conceivably everything else on the planet, he has his suspicions.
“I think their attitude is what really drives me crazy and allows me to ignore the fact that there are way more sinister and serious threats facing the world. It’s like just because they almost always beat us, they think they’re better than us or something,” Alfarzi said.
Sources report that Alfarzi is not just aware of the other evils in the world, but in fact has even demonstrated conscientiousness of crises like the ongoing situation in Syria. Alfarzi is on record donating $10 to an antichemical weapons NGO. However, Alfarzi has also spent a total of $50 on anti-OSU shirts reading “Buck the Fuckeyes” and “OSU can suck my wang.”
“Look, I’m not saying people like Assad, Westboro Baptist Church members and Jerry Sandusky aren’t all despicable, but Jesus, the way those Ohio State motherfuckers jeer at us when they get an interception makes my blood boil like nothing else can,” Alfarzi said.
At press time, Alfarzi was watching a documentary in his Business Ethics class on how Nestlé regularly prices poor Africans out of being able to afford fresh water, but still remained convinced that the OSU Buckeyes were somehow much worse.
Originally published Nov 2013
In a weekend press conference, Tom Wheatland, national spokesperson for the American Alliance For the Bored and Obese, announced to eager reporters and restaurant insiders that 2013 will be the year that we all give Pretzel Buns a try.
After Chili’s, Sonic, Wendy’s, Ruby Tuesday, Dunkin’ Donuts, Red Robin, and others introduced Pretzel Buns this year as a new option for diners and myocardial daredevils alike, the most bored and obese amongst us decided that the dish should go untried no longer.
“I’m always excited for new advances in the culinary industry,” reported 312 pound, 26 year old Wheatland, as he licked ketchup off his finger. “I remember back in 2003 when McDonalds announced that they would start using 100% white meat in their McNuggets. At first I was hesitant, but once I tried those freshly fried all white meat paste giblets, there was no going back.”
Wheatland also includes Wendy’s 2010 addition of 100% Russet Potato Natural Cut Fries to their menu as a life changing moment for him and many in his organization.
“To many, these fast food trends are just something that comes and goes on TV commercials,” said the unemployed glutton, “But to us its another step to a better planet. My only hope is that one day, my children will able to walk into a fast-food restaurant and be completely unaware that the dressed-up dishes parading as quality nourishment are none other than pure, artery clogging filth.”
Originally published Nov. 2013
On November 11, the American Film Institute re-released their list of the top 100 movies of all time. Juried by 1,500 film artists and critics, the list is headed by Citizen Kane, the 1941 classic you haven’t even bothered to see because, let’s face it, you’re a lazy piece of shit who lacks any modicum of appreciation for real culture.
Sir Bryan E. Michaels, who heads the AFI, announced the updated version of the list at a press conference, confirming that the 16th anniversary of the list would reestablish the Orson Welles film that you’ve somehow wormed your way into undeserved adulthood without seeing as the ultimate cinematic achievement of human history.
Michaels, who serves as the chair of the board of trustees and is a former executive at Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, honored the film’s continued success with a speech to a gathering of members of the press, all of whom are infinitely more together than you, just by sheer merit of their having gotten their shit together enough to devote themselves to the critically acclaimed drama for 119 minutes that you probably wasted playing video games or watching porn.
His talk gave a nod to the aesthetic and cultural significance of the film, the ramifications of which are still visible in pop culture, even though you definitely haven’t noticed because you’re too busy getting stoned and complaining about your parents, you unsophisticated slob.
The reissued list contains such other cinematic gems you’ve remained willfully ignorant of as Lawrence of Arabia and Schindler’s List, you insensitive prick, and has been made available online at the AFI’s website for you to easily ignore in favor of continuing on in your fucking uncultured bliss.
Originally published Nov. 2013