Monthly Archives: December 2013

Quality Comments Submitted on Course Evaluations for First Time Ever

Screen shot 2013-12-29 at 10.52.55 PMSources were shocked this week to discover that LSA sophomore Alison Reed actually began to fill out the evaluations for her courses a week before they were due. Reportedly, Reed even wants to make them helpful and informative this year.

Reed, who usually completes her evaluations while waiting in line at Starbucks, wanted to point out her professor’s strengths and weaknesses in order to help her future students learn more effectively, which necessitated taking a brief intermission from her two hour Candy Crush binge to write an insightful and honest review of the course.

“My professor’s been so great this semester. She’ll give us thorough, constructive feedback, is encouraging, facilitates great class discussion, and is always willing to meet up with this after class. It’s kind of a pain in the ass to take an entire four minutes to thoroughly fill it out, but I feel like she’s earned it,” Reed said.

According to recent polls, only 25 percent of students actually fill out their course evaluations. Of those, 78 percent do them because their professors bribed them with candy or extra credit. Reed falls under the last 12 percent, who were either bored, lost a bet, or in Reed’s case, did them because she cared about giving quality feedback to her professors.

Next year, Reed plans on working even harder on her next set of course evaluations. When asked why, Alison replied, “Maybe all of these course evaluations will make up for the five missed class periods and one week early vacation that I plan on taking.”

Originally published: Dec 2013

Professor Totally Oblivious to Cursor Right in the Middle of the Goddamn Screen

Sources report that on Monday, Professor Daniel Bowshier attempted to show his English 125 class an excerpt from the movie The Dead Poets Society, succeeding not only in playing the clip but also in infuriating all seventen students in the room by leaving his cursor in the general field of vision.

“I was almost really into that scene where Robin Williams encourages everyone to seize the day, but I couldn’t stop staring at that stupid mouse. It made an absolute mockery of his performance,” said freshman Josh Willard.

Students enrolled in the course reportedly regret agreeing to be present in 3437 Mason Hall every Monday and Wednesday from 1-2:30, thus subjecting them to the intense aggravation of attempting to ignore a 32×32 pixel arrow in the middle of Robin Williams’ face.

Those in the class reported increased levels of anxiousness and inability to focus for the entirety of the seven-minute clip, during which Bowshier apparently remained ignorant of the glaringly obvious fact that the fucking cursor was still visible.

The professor displayed an unusual apathy towards the fact that the movie was essentially ruined by that arrow. Despite lengthy discussions on the matter, students in Bowshier’s class have still not decided whether he is a ruthless sadist or just completely senile.

The tragedy did not go without attempted aid, however – bystanders report that a total of four distinctive throat clearings occurred, with one student meekly raising her hand, only to pretend she had been stretching all along when she realized that the professor was paying no attention to her at all.

Despite students’ best efforts to half-heartedly alert him, Bowshier continued to remain ignorant of the horrors occurring on his screen, and the rest of the clip continued in uncomfortably mild inconvenience to his viewers for the duration of the seven-minute scene.

Originally published: Dec 2013

‘Stop Staring, I’m Just Doing This For Me,’ Says Half-Naked Man Juggling on a Unicycle in Winter

The Associated Press confirmed on Monday the veracity of increasingly frequent and totally incredulous eyewitness reports that a shirtless man has been riding a unicycle through campus while simultaneously juggling three hacky sacks. The news comes much to chagrin of the unicyclist, Ted Wheland, who “doesn’t see why people act like [he’s] some kind of street performer.”

“God, the nerve of these people,” Wheland said. “They act like I’m doing this for attention, like I’m just trying to amuse them. How vain is that?”

Contrary to what others assume, Wheland claims, his appearance and behavior is nothing more than an act of personal expression.

“It’s no different than having pierced ears or wearing a pair of skinny jeans. Tossing small objects in a circular motion while riding a one-wheeled velocipede as my nipples boldly point out in response to the cold weather is just how I feel the most comfortable.”

Others, however, do not seem to share Wheland’s point-of-view about his nearly-nude trips around public places, and have “totally failed to grasp this concept yet.”

“Recently, when I was out doing my thing, some guy tried to hand me a one-dollar bill. Can you believe that? Like I’m some kind of prostitute, doing this for any other reason than because it’s simply what feels right to me,” said Wheland, as he stopped unicycling only long enough to hop on one foot and scream the lyrics to “Amazing Grace” in a German accent while pelting passers-by in the face with acorns.

Wheland expressed his disappointment in the local community, stating that while he once believed Ann Arbor to be a tolerating and quirky environment, he now realizes that this is only a façade.

“When I moved here, everyone talked about what an open and accepting community it was, but the reality is that many people have a real problem dealing with anything remotely outside of the norm. Look Ann Arbor, some people are gay, some people are dark-skinned, and some people enjoy looking like the bastard child of a gym rat and a circus freak. Deal with it.”

At press time, Wheland is planning on walking around town with an untrained possum perched on his shoulder and a large cucumber inserted into his anus, but you better not stare because that is “so incredibly rude.”

Originally published: Dec 2013

Student Peer Pressured into Doing ‘Just a Dollop of Daisy’

TACO TUESDAY AT LOCAL ANN ARBOR HOME— Sources confirmed that while enjoying a simple, home-cooked meal last week with friends, University of Michigan sophomore Luis Crimmins was urged by some of his older housemates to add a “dollop” of highly potent Daisy brand sour cream to his freshly prepared meal.

The complex mix of bacterial cultures is known by many names on the street: White X, Pigeon Crank, and most ubiquitously, as “Daisy.” Daisy users have been known to elicit large numbers of tongue-gasms, orgasms that register in the brain’s central flavor center and has contributed to an increase in creaminess and the over-all flavor of many foods such as baked potatoes and burritos.

“We were having a really normal dinner. Just enjoying some pretty dank enchiladas and talking about last night’s episode of Scandal. Then suddenly my housemates Eric and Jake got really serious on me,” Crimmins recalled.

Crimmins claimed that the friends in question, seniors Eric Palmore and Jake Andrews proceeded to try and pressure him to “do a dollop” of Daisy sour cream along with his meal. “It’s just a dollop, dude. You’re not going to OD,” Palmore reportedly claimed.

“Yeah don’t be a bitch, Luis. You don’t even know what you’re missing, its only like 300 extra calories,” added Andrews.

Despite their insisting, his friends reportedly caught on to the fact that Crimmins was becoming increasingly hesitant to take a hit of the popular street condiment. Sources confirm that they then went on to reassure him that sour cream was completely safe and that the cows were treated ethically and not given rGBH, or whatever.

“I started doing dollops my freshman year because I was just so stressed out with school work. A big spoonful right on top of a bowl of chili just helps calm my nerves. Sometimes I take a hit straight out of the container before I’m going out with a lot of people just to take the edge off,” claimed Andrews, who blamed the white Daisy stains on shirts from alienating him socially at many parties.

“Yeah, I mean some people are weird about it cause it’s loaded with fat, but I don’t worry about it, it’s not like I have a heart condition or am diabetic or anything. Plus Daisy is just kind of part of the culture in Ann Arbor. Everyone does ‘dollops of Daisy.’ The cops are usually pretty cool about it if they catch you out in public with a small container of it,” Palmore added.

Despite Crimmins’ lurking reservations that getting into the world of sour cream would just lead to experimenting with harder condiments like Dijon mustard, he reportedly did eventually add a healthy heap of sour cream to his enchiladas, which he claimed to have been, “So fucking chill, bro.”

At press time, Crimmins was having his stomach pumped after consuming the deadly, high-calorie, condiment combination of “Miracle Whip” and “Sweet Baby Ray’s” know as MiracleSweet.

Originally published: Dec 2013

LSA Junior a Little Too Busy to Keep an Eye on This Kid’s Stuff ‘For Just a Sec’

Sources report that tension arose at the Shapiro Library earlier when Grant Overman was asked by another student sitting at his table to watch his backpack and laptop while he went to the bathroom, because Overman has just a little too much on his plate to be watching some kid’s stuff for “just a bit.”

“Usually, no problem,” admitted Overman. “I’d watch the hell outta that kid’s backpack and coat. I dare you to steal that kid’s stuff on my watch. But tonight, my God, any other night but tonight.”

Overman, a political science major, accepted the task, albeit hesitantly, because he really does have a lot of shit to get done, including three more pages to finish before midnight and then has to call his girlfriend from a long-distance relationship that he is beginning to question more and more, and thus has a hard time finding room in his busy night for favors. Moreover, he would be penciling in watching a stranger’s highly desirable LL Bean monogrammed backpack and Macbook—the exact kind of retro-bag that is really “in” this season, and honestly, who’s not looking to steal a nice Mac laptop.

“If I’m headed to the bathroom or drinking fountain and leaving that kind of stuff behind, I’d trust someone like me to look after it. Six foot two, glasses, pretty thin, white. Absolutely, this kid made the right decision. However, I really can’t deal with that kind of pressure tonight. Watching over this kid’s stuff requires a degree of vigilance and determination that I just can’t commit to right now.”

Overman mentioned that maintaining a constant awareness of the belongings all the while attempting to focus on his impending English 325 deadline, the phone call to his girlfriend, the future emails he needs to send out, setting up an appointment with his advisor, and watching exactly 45 minutes of Hulu videos, is way too much to handle.

Additionally troubling was the fact that three more students had just sat down to study near Overman.

“I sized them up as soon as they walked in,” Overman explained, frantically switching his gaze between the original stranger’s belongings while spell-checking his recently finished paragraph. “I can’t say with certainty that they’re here to score a sweet backpack/ laptop combo, but I definitely don’t like the looks I’m getting from that dude in the purple coat.”

“The worst case scenario, though, would be if one of those sorority girls asks me to keep an eye on her stuff too,” added Overman.

The Vera Bradley bag, another Macbook, the thermos, and one of those circle scarf things are way too much to add to Overman’s already tremendous responsibilities.

“End of the semester with exams and all…I can’t be doing this for everybody,” said Overman, because, Jesus, he’s just a man for God’s sake.

Originally published: Dec 2013

Report: Hatcher Library Urinals Way, Way Too Close Together

Screen shot 2013-12-29 at 10.11.22 PMIn a statement recently released by the University, LSA sophomore Ted Shuart concluded that the urinals located in all of the Hatcher Graduate Library South Stacks Library are “way too fucking close together.”

Shuart mentioned in his assessment that no other side-by-side urinals located in any other bathroom on campus are distanced by such an unnecessarily small gap. An avid patron of the University bathrooms, Shuart determined that Hatcher was definitely the most uncomfortable to relieve himself in stating, “It’s totally fucking weird, dude.”

Contrary to popular belief, Shuart does not, in fact, make use of library bathrooms to catch a glimpse of a stranger’s genitalia nor does he go in to sidle up next to another man at the urinal.

Shuart also adamantly reiterated his statement so as not to be misunderstood—he does not deliberately try to look at another man’s penis while urinating; it is the fault of the urinals, placed in such close proximity that the sight of penis is almost assuredly within one’s plane of vision. This inevitably results, Shuart argues, in the occasional sighting of a scrotum, shaft, or possibly the entire package itself.

Not only do the urinals, almost adjoining in their placement, cause Shuart to feel uncomfortable, but they also prevent him from “taking a leak” in a relaxed atmosphere. Aware of the fact that the other bathroom guest will be able to hear him, Shuart frequently is unable to begin the process entirely.

The report ended with suggestions as how to remedy the situation.

“Just put up a fucking little wall or something between the urinals.”

Originally published: Dec 2013

Low-Achieving Family to Incorporate Friends’ Failures in Annual Christmas Letter

The year 2013 for the Saunder family of Springfield, Illinois, was self-admittedly “a real twelve-month downer.” In order to bolster their annual Christmas letter, the Saunders have announced plans to include mentions of their loved ones’ setbacks.

Following a year in which father Ted Saunder did not get a promotion, mother MaryAnn Saunder gained 30 pounds, and the couple’s children once again failed to bring home one goddamn ‘A’ on their report cards, the family of four has gathered juicy tidbits from within their social circle, ranging from friends’ poor credit to relatives’ terminal illness.

MaryAnn explained, “Our kids definitely peaked in high school. I mean, in 2011, Sarah’s mock trial team won regionals and Ted Jr. was voted Best Smile in his senior class. And after delivering great news like that to our family and friends, where do we go from there?”

“But, thank the Lord, we just found out that Ted’s old college roommate is being charged with public intoxication, so that should take the edge off our kids’ mediocrity.”

The holiday letter, which is currently in its first draft stage, includes information on MaryAnn’s sister’s affair, Ted’s boss’ hernia, and the elderly woman from church who slipped on ice in the parking lot last Sunday. Lacking that one bit of gossip to “really knock the letter out of the park” though, the Saunders have been frantically searching for any hearsay about their pastor.

“As it turns out, he and his wife actually took a trip to the Dominican Republic last June to renew their vows,” Ted reported. “And then afterward, those bastards, they went over to Haiti for mission work. That’s sure as hell not making us look better.”

Nevertheless, MaryAnn has made a weekly habit of sneaking handfuls of money from the collection basket into Pastor Dan’s coat pockets during Sunday’s silent prayer and meditation. It is unclear whether this will be discovered and turned into a public controversy by the time the Saunder family letter is set to be mailed. The Saunders, however, are hopeful.

Looking to the next year, Ted and MaryAnn pledge to find boast-worthy success of their own. But for now, the couple says, they simply want to relax and enjoy the magic of the holidays. “‘Tis the season to be jolly!” concludes the letter, “unless you’re Chelsea from next door, whose son just got rejected from Northwestern and is also suffering from seasonal depression!”

 

Originally published Dec 2013.

Local 18-Year-Old Weighing Benefits $200,000 in Student Loan Debt vs. Possibly Getting Shot in Afghanistan

High school senior Jacob Peterson recently received early admission to a private university, a development that has made his decision on how to finance four years’ tuition. Peterson, as a member of the socio-economic underclass, he enjoys the choice of joining the military or selling his soul to student loan companies.

Peterson admits he is having a hard time deciding between the two, “The prospect of attending a four-year university and the incurring hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt is appealing, considering many of my friends will be undergoing the same experience.” Said Peterson, “The second option holds a promise a loan shark cannot match. I mean if I get shot in a desert somewhere, I’ll be a total hero. Sure I’ll miss out on fitting in with my friends who chose the lifelong debt option instead of losing a limb, but think of how cool I’ll seem once I finally get an honorable discharge, even though I’ll have to attend college for free.”

Peterson admits he is having trouble with the decision, but is aware he is fortunate to have so many opportunities. “Like when my parents went to college, everyone just like, went, or they got drafted and died in some jungle in Vietnam,” Peterson explains. “No one had time to worry about the longterm consequences of their actions. When my dad signed up for the marines I’m sure the last thing he was thinking was about how he would never again be able sleep through the night without waking up in a dead sweat screaming for no apparent reason.”

Thinking even further ahead, Peterson mentioned a few other ways he was excited to be exploited for his own perceived self benefit. “Its great, all of the options that are now socially acceptable for college graduates; unpaid internships for years on end, joining a volunteer organization where food and housing are paid for, and returning home to live with parents. While these options were formerly considered a sign of failure, now students are able to choose from a wide array of choices and still not be complete embarrassments to their families.

“The world is my oyster,” Peterson grins. He then continues to draw tattoo designs to go around his future bullet wound.

 

Originally published Dec 2013.

That Guy Who Brings Acoustic Guitar To Every Party Finally Gets Laid

Sources confirmed this Sunday morning that LSA sophomore Wyatt Hayworth, who has consistently brought his acoustic guitar to every party he’s attended for a full year in the hopes of ending his stubbornly persistent state of virginity, finally “got some” at a local house party this weekend.

“I figured, if Free Fallin’ doesn’t reel in the chicks, literally nothing else will,” stated Hayworth, who purchased his guitar a year ago along with a beginner’s song book entitled the Complete Works of John Mayer.

The party in question was a gathering of around fifteen people at an acquaintance’s home, and, although no one specifically asked Hayworth to bring his guitar, he figured the group of mostly strangers would love to listen to the three songs he knows how to play.

“My strategy is to wait about a half hour for the party to get going once I arrive,” Hayworth reported. “After everyone is sitting down having a nice conversation, I grab my guitar and casually join the circle. Then I just hold the guitar like I don’t even know how it got in my hands and wait for someone to comment on it. If no one does, I just start quietly playing the opening chords to Viva la Vida.”

Susan Alexander, a fellow sophomore and witness from the party commented on Hayworth’s strategy, saying, “Mary was finally opening up about her parent’s divorce and it was really emotional. Then all of a sudden this guy was playing a Coldplay song and no one could hear what she was saying. It was so sexy. I was like, fuck off Mary, I can’t resist a man with the knowledge of three to four guitar chords.”

Before he uninvitedly brought his acoustic guitar along to the party, Hayworth apparently tried his luck ensnaring the females in a number of different ways, including loudly practicing Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars with his shirt off in his dorm room with the door open.

“The only person that ever actually came in was a DPS officer,” Hayworth stated, “and he just busted me for my hookah. He didn’t even notice my One Republic poster or ask about my dream catcher collection. It was like, what’s the point?”

In addition to in his dorm room doused in Axe Body Spray, Hayworth has tried seducing the ladies by playing his guitar pensively under a tree in the diag, while riding his longboard, and on a street corner with a donation bin labelled “dare to dream.”

This reporter located Mary Cowen, LSA junior and the lucky female who responded to Hayworth’s acoustic guitar seduction techniques by going home with him this weekend.

“It was the hottest hook-up I’d ever had,” Cowen stated, “and we didn’t even have sex. He just listened to me talk about my parent’s divorce and then cried harder than me. He fell asleep on the floor spooning his guitar.”

In terms of the future of his musical career, Hayworth stated, “The songs I still want to learn are Wonderwall, Hotel California, and Hey There Delilah. You know, the classics.”

 

Originally published Dec 2013.

Area Manager Going With ‘Just Checking In’ As Subject Line of Latest Email

Saying that the generic three-word phrase just made sense for what he was trying to get across, middle manager Jason Hoffman announced this past Monday his decision to once more go with ‘Just Checking In’ as the subject line of his latest email.

“Sometimes simpler is better,” said Hoffman, defending his use of the utterly meaningless phrase. “People got a lot on their plates, you know? The last thing they need is one of those subject lines that takes as long to read as their assigned readings.”

“Save the good stuff for the body – that’s what I say,” Hoffman continued. “Gives them a reason to open it, you know?”

Upon further questioning, Hoffman admitted that such brevity in personnel relations could be seen as “kind of abrupt,” or “at least vaguely passive-aggressive.”

“But they get it – I’m a busy guy,” Hoffman went on. “I have TPS reports to glance over and then give mediocre performance reviews with no justification, office meetings to hold where I consistently show up 15 minutes late, and I’m also trying to beat the rush so I can catch the Nuggets’ game on TNT.”

At press time, Hoffman had received an email titled ‘Quick note’ from his own superior, which caused him moderate distress until he worked up the courage to open it the next morning.

 

Originally published Dec 2013.