Monthly Archives: January 2014

Please Stop Sending Pictures of Me to People When You’re Drunk: By Your Penis

Screen shot 2014-01-08 at 11.45.23 PMYo, brochacho, it’s time for us to have a talk. I think we have a pretty great relationship; I’m the Batman to your Robin. I love what we have, but lately you’ve been doing things that have made me very uncomfortable. And I’m not the only one who notices it.I’ve talked to a lot of people and everyone is concerned about some of the things you do when you drink.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know who I’m doing all the thinking for. When you drink you’re like a whole other person, mostly the part where you get black out drunk and send pictures of me to complete strangers.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but if that’s the case I have no idea what the fuck are you trying to say when you send one of me? Do you think a picture of me is really going to get some girl’s party started? It’s not like you have to prove my existence – the penis is not the unicorn of the male anatomy. She knows I exist! I’m not even all that impressive.

I am just your average penis, above average on the right day, and if you’ve seen one penis you’ve seen them all. You’re not even getting my good sides! And this is where I think we see your drinking hurting the ones you love.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that this isn’t a dog show. No one is sitting around clapping politely as you send me off to some poor unsuspecting floozy. Some things are better left implied. I know you’re proud, but next time you’re drunk and feel like showing me off, just don’t. Consider my feelings and how you know such activities make me feel.

You’re a great guy and everyone should want to meet us, just cut back on the dick pics. Also please consider wearing looser pants, those skinny jeans are killing me.

Originally published: Dec 2013

Do You Really Need to Eat That? By Your Mother

Honey, I’m so glad you’re home and I can’t wait to hear the censored version of your first semester at college, remember the one where no underage drinking or premarital sex took place, but why don’t you tell me while we go for a quick six-mile jog?

When your father and I picked you up from the airport, I assumed your fun, new, winter sweater was the cause of your added girth. Your father told me not to worry, that you were a growing girl and gaining a few pounds your freshman year was nothing to worry about, but he doesn’t understand what it’s like for us women.

You know I think you’re perfect just the way you are, but in life there is always room for improvement…and in your case that room is clearly needed in your jeans, you have what I hear is called a bit of a muffin top situation dear.

These are going to be the best four years of your life, and I don’t want you to miss out on all the fun things you won’t be able to do if it looks like there’s half a dozen hamburger buns in your oven. So why don’t you put down that third slice of pizza honey and pick up those weights because no one wants to do body shots off someone who could hide the glass in her belly button.

You definitely shouldn’t lose weight because society is telling you to conform to unrealistic expectations; you should do it because I’m telling you to conform to them. I’m your mother, and I know best. When I ask if you really need to eat that second slice of pumpkin pie, it’s not because I’m judging you, it’s because I’ve already judged you and determined that you shouldn’t.

I didn’t get voted Omega Chi Sweetheart three years running by drinking like the washed-up fraternity brothers you’re starting to resemble, I did it by adhering to a strict vodka and lettuce diet and throwing up between sessions on the elliptical.

I hope you realize the moratorium I’m putting on your caloric intake stems from motherly concern, not merely motherly disgust. You are smart and talented and you should be confident in who you are, but think about how many more people you’d convince to feel the same if you looked like that Miley Cyrus you used to adore instead of Melissa McCarthy. Just look at that Miley, she may be a little crazy, but she’s also crazy hot—how else do you think she pulls off underwear as pants?

Just think of me as your thinspirational life coach for the next three weeks. Before I build you up, however, I’m going to tear you down, ideally by starving you until you’re about to faint, at which point I will offer you a cube of cheese and ice water.

You’re my baby girl and your happiness is at the top of my priority list…right after having a daughter who makes emaciation look chic.

Originally published: Dec 2013

I’m Fine! By That Drunk Tailgating Girl Covered In Her Own Vomit

Listen to me, I’m absolutely fine. I’m not stumbling and bumbling and tumbling, get your hands off me, just let me sit. I just wanna sit. Have you guys seen my friend Tammie? She’s so pretty, you’d looooove her. Has anybody seen Tammie?

I don’t even drink, I’m just here to see the Michigan experience. I’m still going to the game, I’ll walk there soon. Just let me sit here and think and stuff. Shh. Just let me sleep for one second. Just going to close my eyes. Oh the pavement is so cold against my face.

TAMMIE? Have you guys seen my friend Tammie? She’s so, so pretty. So pretty. Guys always like her more than me, whatever she has small tits.

*Bleh* What? No, that’s not my throwup. This is not my throwup. Who threw up on me? They should clean it, ew that’s disgusting. And it’s probably going to ruin my sweatshirt and I really liked this sweatshirt, it says Michigan on it. I love Michigan! MICCCHHHIIIGGAANNNNN!

Wooooo! Go Blue! At least I didn’t throw up on my Hunter Boots.

TAMMMIIEEEEE. Where is that hot ass bitch? You know what? I need a beer. If you see Tammie tell her to come over here and fill up my Hunter Boot with beer. Das boot!!! Tammie, das boot!!

Originally published: Dec 2013

Visibly Concussed James Harrison Forgets Why He’s Mad at Roger Goodell

PAUL BROWN STADIUM—Following Sunday’s game between the Cincinnati Bengals and Cleveland Browns, outspoken linebacker James Harrison criticized NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell once again regarding his attempt to ban helmet-to-helmet hits. In the midst of his rant, however, Harrison forgot where he was, how he had gotten there, and why he was mad at some man named Roger.

“The Commish think he’s all that,” a clearly disheveled Harrison said, as he stumbled out of the locker room with his sunglasses askew, shirt unbuttoned, and backwards pants.

“He wants to change this game to some pee-wee football bullshit. Might as well put flags on the running back’s waist and tell me to pull them off. All I wanna do is hear some guy’s bones crush from the force of my head slamming into him. Wait… where the fuck am I? What’s going on?”

Collecting himself, Harrison continued, “Roger’s ruining what makes America so great! Rog- wait… huh?” Harrison then quickly sat down and began breathing deeply, no doubt calming himself before another frustrated outburst. He then took out a handkerchief and wiped the sweat off his brow and the blood trickling out of his ear.

Concussion studies estimate that Harrison’s brain smashes violently against his mortal skull dozens of times per season. A mere 73 Newtons of force is required to cause a small fracture in the cranium. In spite of this, Harrison was able to remember his name and unwillingness to leave the violent game of football, immediately issuing another tirade against Mr. Goodell.

“This man in a suit is telling me how to play a game I’ve been playin’ for my whole life. Who the hell does he think he is?” Harrison reiterated.

At press time, Harrison was being tested for chronic traumatic encephalopathy and repeatedly slamming his head against a wall in preparation for next week’s game against the Baltimore Ravens.


UM Track Team Losing Streak Attributed to Starting Races on Michigan Time

After a series of defeats last season, new University of Michigan track and field coach Jerry Clayton says that he plans to re-examine the impact of the University’s “Michigan Time” policy that has collegiate athletes starting the 200, 400, and team relay 10 minutes after competitors.

“U of M students used to hold a real presence in this league,” Clayton stated, “but since our runners started showing up ten minutes after the start of the race, usually holding a Starbucks coffee, the team has really gone downhill.”

Despite the new coach’s determination for change, Michigan men’s track and field Senior captain Clark Hepburn has stated that he is a “diehard Michigan Time fan” and that he has no intention of showing up on time, even to the most important races of his college career.

“I was born at 9:00 PM, October 12th, 9:10 Michigan Time,” Hepburn stated. “When the ball drops on New Year’s, I don’t celebrate until 12:10. That’s the Michigan Difference.”

The athletes of the track and field team aren’t the only Michigan students suffering from this reliance on Michigan Time. Recent Ross graduate Melanie Parker stated, “They told me all I needed to get a good job was a Ross School of Business degree. But I can’t seem to show up to a job interview on time. If something starts at 9:00, I’m leaving the house at 9:00. That’s just how time works!”

Parker is not the only alum suffering due to a Michigan Time dependence. Surgeon and medical school graduate Dr. Robert Moulds was recently fired from a position at Providence Park Hospital for repeatedly showing up ten minutes behind schedule to emergency heart surgeries.

Moulds stated, “At first I’d think, ‘oh no! I’m going to be late! I should run!’ But then I’d remember, ‘Oh yeah, Michigan Time!’ and I’d have time to stop for a bagel and chat with the nurses before I entered surgery.”

Ford School alum Andrew Gallagher recently suffered a similar blow due to what psychologists are now calling CLAS, or, “Consistently Late Asshole Syndrome.”

“My wife called me and said she was in labor, so I rushed down to the hospital to be there for the birth of my child,” said Gallagher. “Even when she screamed into the phone that our daughter was crowning, something inside me still felt like I had ten minutes to spare. So I stopped by the gift shop for some of those delicious hospital mints. Anyway, now I’m divorced.”

Originally published: Dec 2013

World Powers Order Defiant Iran to Be in Bed by Ten

TEHRAN—As part of a landmark nuclear arms deal between Iran and the world’s most powerful nations, the United States agreed Monday to lift crippling economic sanctions on Iran on the strict, non-negotiable condition that the Islamic Republic keep its promise to be in bed by 10 pm every night.

“And that means lights out too, mister!” clarified Secretary of State John Kerry. “If you want to read before bed, you get those PJs on and start at 9:30.”

Kerry later clarified that he didn’t care if 9:30 is “when your favorite cartoon is on,” and that “part of growing up is making choices.”

The negotiations, spurred on by the election of moderate Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, were contested by many around the world who thought the provisions of the deal were either too strict, or not strict enough. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu vocalized his anger at the deal early Wednesday morning.

“I think that in the years to come, this decision will be viewed as a grave mistake,” Netanyahu explained. “Just because they sign a document saying they’ll adhere to a healthy bedtime, doesn’t mean they will comply.”

“What’s to stop them from sneaking out the window after lights out?” continued Netanyahu. “Or using a flashlight under the covers to read comic books?”

While other nations may be content with Iran being tucked in at 10, Netanyahu insisted that Israel reserves the right to use military force to enforce an earlier bedtime if they sense a threat, adding that, since the Second Intifada, they’ve been making the Palestinians “hit the hay at 8:45 sharp.”

On the other end of the spectrum, fellow belligerent nation North Korea lambasted the deal as too restrictive. Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un told reporters that the Iranian deal has strong future implications for a possible international deal with North Korea.

“We refuse to be treated like children,” said the leader of the nation where over 30 percent of children are malnourished. “Ten o’clock bedtimes means that I wouldn’t even be able to watch the end of NBA basketball games. And it takes late night talk shows out of the equation altogether.”

At midnight press time, Iran was seen in pajamas standing in front of the United States’ bedroom complaining about a tummy ache, which the technically sovereign Arab nation attributed to a continuing sanction on Lunchables™.

Originally published: Dec 2013

50,000 Pages of Assigned Reading Accuse Class of Neglect

Millions of pages of unread and neglected course readings came forward yesterday morning, demanding recognition and relief for their grievances. According to them, the students who are entrusted to take care of them, think deeply about them, and recall them for important tests have instead prioritized eating and sleeping over reading.

While some shorter essays or chapters are lucky enough to get skimmed, others are thrown away, crumpled at the bottom of backpacks, or worse—utterly abandoned on CTools.

“That’s the worst; the type of neglect that breaks my heart,” said attorney Matt Lee about a particularly lengthy, 136-page reading entitled ‘The Problem of Meaning in the Philosophy of Time and Space.’

“My client has been abandoned in a lonely little folder in the middle of the internet. When students select a course, they have to be prepared to face the consequences. It is absolutely unacceptable that they are ‘too busy’ to download my client, to make an effort to get to know him…to love him, like any piece of academic literature deserves to be loved.”

Other readings that are lucky enough to be downloaded complain of the sheer glee with which they are promptly deleted at the end of each semester. According to recent reports, only .15% of course readings are preserved, either in physical or digital form.

“I saw my carefully-chosen reading on ‘Sociological perspectives on language in diaspora’ crammed inside of a notebook, smashed right up next to an annotated, highlighted—highlighted!—copy of Sojourner Truth’s ‘Ain’t I a Woman’ speech,” said Kurt Stillman, professor of linguistics.

“Not only was my essay deprived of such loving attention and decoration, but it was eventually thrown into the recycling bin while the speech was saved in a special folder! Ain’t my reading an intellectually stimulating and groundbreaking reading?”

The unread pages claim that they will no longer endure neglect, food stains, or crumpling. They demand harsher punishment for such crimes as well as increased rates of preservation, annotation, and cuddling.

At press time, approximately 26,350 students successfully bullshitted their way through their class discussions for the day without having done any reading.

Originally published: Dec 2013

Over Two Hundred Bangladeshi Workers Killed In Fire That You Don’t Genuinely Give a Shit About

DHAKA—212 workers lost their lives last Friday when a fire broke out in an electronics factory, a disastrous event that you don’t care about in the slightest.

The official death toll rose throughout the following day, as fire crews found the charred remains of several dead men, women and children who you would care a lot more about if they were white or American. Injuries are estimated at over 500, with all wounds having less of an emotional impact on you than one of the five moronic cat videos you watched on YouTube.

The factory, which produced wiring for many of the various electronic goods that you value much higher than Bangladeshi human beings, collapsed only fifteen minutes into the fire. The falling walls offered a mercifully quick death to most workers, who would have otherwise been slowly burned to death, not that you give a flying fuck.

The cause of the fire is yet unknown, although some labor rights activists have asserted that the area’s notoriously lax building codes were to blame. These activists have urged the Bangladeshi government to reform these codes to emphasize workplace safety, which would mean something if you knew what any of those words meant or what significance they hold.

The owner of the factory released a statement saying, “My prayers go out to the victims of this horrible tragedy.” While the words offered little consolation to the families of these victims, the words meant absolutely nothing to you, as this situation bears absolutely no relevance to your life.

As the area’s hospitals were already overcrowded from the last industrial accident, the Red Cross has volunteered to set up temporary clinics to care for the wounded. However, the organization’s resources have been spread thin following last month’s Hurricane Haiyan, which you also probably didn’t give a shit about.

The Red Cross is currently accepting $10 donations, which you won’t even consider because it was either that or your premium Pornhub subscription you dirty soulless bastard.

Originally published: Dec 2013

Chinese Pedophiles Really Excited About Lifting of One Child Policy

A WHOLE NEW WORLD—On Friday, November 15th, China announced to the world a set of reforms that would lift historically strict policies, most notably the “one child” rule. This law, as the name implies, obstructed families from producing more than one child and, as members of the Chinese pedophile community insist, restricted the free exercise of sexual gratification in their increasingly Westernizing society.

In the past, the policy has been criticized for often-brutal enforcement, with instances of forced sterilizations, late-term abortions, and the always limited supply of underage bodies to fetishize.

The rule change is anticipated to increase the Chinese reproduction rate and reverse the diminution the youth population has seen over recent years. The Communist leaders of the country announced this change in policy to widespread public support from parents and pedophiles alike. Mothers are looking forward to having more freedom in the planning of their families, while pedophiles are excited to get more use out of their telephoto lens by photographing more potential children eating popsicles at the park.

Mothers aren’t the only ones excited about China’s coming youth explosion; so are others who enjoy being called “daddy,” namely the country’s 100 million strong pedophile population.

“When I’m laying in bed and think of the little pitter patter of little feet down the hall, I just get so excited,” said Wang Zhi, President of The National Chinese Man Boy Love Association. “For too long our nation’s one child policy has restricted our rights to rob the innocence of hundreds of millions of youths, and now that will finally change.”

Other reforms issued at this time include the abolition of forced reeducation through labor camps, injecting minor criminals back into the community in time to celebrate the influx of young people.

Originally published: Dec 2013

BuzzFeed To Sell Film Rights To Acclaimed Listicle ‘16 Turtles in Funny Hats’

Los Angeles, CA—The popular website and purveyor of click-bait announced last week that, amid pressure from major hollywood studios vying for the right to produce a film adaption, they have officially sold the film rights to their critically-acclaimed listicle ‘16 Turtles in Funny Hats,’ along with a number of other trending articles.

Following the announcement, Buzzfeed has decided to continue to branch out their brand into other mediums, having already started a children’s book adaptation of ‘35 Awesome Sandwiches From Brazil.’

The website has had its finger on America’s pulse since its origins in 2006. That year Buzzfeed announced to the world it was a force to be reckoned with when it published the groundbreaking article, ‘What Ryan Gosling Has in Common With a Panda.’

“We want to educate and entertain as many people as possible,” said Jack Bleakman, Buzzfeed’s senior editor and top Miley Cyrus correspondent. “With movies, we can spread our message everywhere! We want the world to know that journalism is not dead and everything is better in a list.”

Bleakman left his position at the New York Times because he felt the paper was creating a serious gap in news.

“Papers like the Times focus too heavily on politics. I wanted to create something that spotlights art, culture, and Adam Levine’s shoes.”

Hollywood has been buzzing about the new ‘Turtles’ script since its announcement. Paramount Pictures, the respected studio that acquired the script in a package along with the rights to ‘5 Hideous Christmas Sweaters,’ has already started putting the cast together. Paul Giamatti and Jennifer Lawrence have signed deals to play Turtles #4 and #9 respectively, and in a surprise move, Samuel L. Jackson has been cast as beloved turtle #2 with cowboy hat.

Whether the crossover into film is a success is still up in the air. With Dame Judi Dench circling the role of grumpy turtle #7 in beret and the last Buzzfeed adaptation, the television movie “An Ode to Rihanna’s Boobs” considered a failure, the fate of ‘Turtles’ is still uncertain.

Originally published: Dec 2013