Monthly Archives: February 2014
University students Charlie Davis and Meryl White won gold in Ice Dancing at the Sochi Olympics this past week, becoming the first Americans in Olympic history to win the event. Beating out Canadian rivals Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir by over four points, Davis and White stood at the top of the podium while the national anthem played, blissfully unaware of how little their accomplishments would mean back on campus.
“It’s incredible; we really just can’t believe it,” said Davis after the medal ceremony. “We’ve been working toward this moment for our entire lives and to finally stand here with [Meryl] is a dream come true,” continued the greatest American ice dancer alive today, who next week would be mistaken for somebody else and spend his weeknights in Hatcher Library.
“Here in Sochi, we’re treated like gods,” echoed White, who dazzled the judges with her nimble footwork and quick choreography. “Little kids ask for my autograph. Bouquets littered the rink after each of our performances. Fans from all over the world cheer our names,” she continued, who, in a week, will receive neither recognition nor even a discount while in line at Bert’s waiting for coffee.
“Receiving this medal is one of the proudest moments of my life and I’m so honored to win it for my country,” she continued, radiating with elegance. White admitted that she will cherish the medal forever, placing it in her room in a frame that will eventually be spilled on with soda and bong water while her roommates use it as a coaster.
Throughout the competition, Davis and White placed some of the highest scores ever recorded in the sport. Their score of 78.89 in the Short Dance portion broke the previous world record and reestablished the US as a formidable skating country, will almost certainly be forgotten after the UM basketball game against Michigan State on Sunday, if students even knew what their score was in the first place.
“When we return to Michigan though, we just want to be treated like we were before,” smiled a handsome Davis, naively unaware of just how normally they would be treated immediately after returning to campus. “We’re just a couple of Michigan students who have to do homework and go to classes like everyone else.” In fact, the couple plan to continue studying amongst their peers in the Shapiro Library; which is convenient, as they will be unable to take advantage of University Varsity Athletic facilities anyway–losing in bowl games sponsored by a chicken wings and beer joint continues to rank above winning a Gold Medal in the hierarchy of athletic prowess.
At press time, the two or three ice dancing fans on campus were lining up waiting for the renowned dancers’ return from Sochi, and the ice skating club was planning a “Meet Charlie Davis and Meryl White Lunch,” sure to be sparsely attended.
Originally published Feb. 2014
With the Closing Ceremonies of the twelfth Winter Games approaching this weekend, the 2014 Sochi Olympic games will close just as all have before them have—leaving the world a bit more hopeful and inspired. Sochi was unique, however, being the first Winter Olympics for Russia and marred by discussions of social justice, a questionable infrastructure, and Bob Costas’ disgusting pink eye.
Women’s Ski Jump debuted for the first time in Olympic history. Germany’s Carina Vogt took home the gold medal in the Normal Jump, soaring 103 meters for 126 points in an event coming ninety years after men began ski jumping in the Olympics. Costas’ pink eye probably appeared only a day or two after exposure to a virus. Pink Eye, also known as conjunctivitis, is a serious infection of the cornea and can be easily spread from person to person. While non-life threatening, it is quite repulsive to look at.
It seemed ironic that for as cold of a climate Russia boasts, the first Winter Games held in the country were based out of Sochi where the daily temperature hovered around fiftyfive degrees fahrenheit. Experts say the high temperatures were blamed for poor snow conditions, unfair disadvantages, and only worsened the severe pink eye infection in Bob Costas’ right eye.
Sports enthusiast and doctor Tobias Eisenberg explained, “Sometimes when it’s warm out skiing is more difficult. The sun can dangerously reflect off the snow and it gets all slushy. And the humidity can really bother an already infected eye.”
One of the more memorable moments at Sochi occurred during the Women’s Ice Hockey Prelim, in which the US team faced off against its bitter Canadian rival. The Canadians won 3-2, scoring all three of their goals in the final period which Bob Costas reported with only one eye able to be open.
“What a great game,” said Helen Davis, of New York City. “Natalie Spooner played amazingly, but the real hero of the game was Bob Costas. Having the courage to go on national television with a swollen eyelid, likely caused from fecal matter irritating his cornea, and poetically broadcast an historic hockey game is what makes him so special.”
Originally published Feb. 2014
According to a new report issued by the International Astronomical Union, a trendy black hole has been spotted tearing the outdated fabric of reality into a more modern unknown dimension.
“The Steinhardt-Turok model is so 2013,” remarked renowned astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. “Quarks and leptons may have been in style for a while but now dark energy is the in thing. I’ll bet that black hole is the envy of all its friends.”
Said physicist Stephen Hawking, “this black hole really has an eye for new trends that are just coming over the event horizon. And clearly it isn’t bowing to other celestial bodies’ opinions. Your average star isn’t going to appreciate the understated style of a higher dimension; they’re all bright colors all the time.”
Based on images collected from the Gunn space telescope, the black hole has already made its own customizations to a 10,000 cubic lightyear area of space by sucking in all matter and light, a technique Hawking describes as “fresh and innovative. This black hole really plays by its own rules; not even the laws of physics are going to stifle its creativity.”
Originally published Feb. 2014
In an announcement that shocked fans of the worldwide bestselling Harry Potter series, author JK Rowling revealed that Ron and Hermione are not married, but are instead just two of the many fictional characters that Rowling made up and do not exist.
“I always thought there was something off about Ron and Hermione’s pairing,” said Potter super-fan Rebecca Goldstein. “But when Rowling revealed the reason – that they are both fictional and fictional characters cannot be in relationships – I was a bit crushed.
“Where does she get off retconning the series like that?” asked President of the North American Harry Potter Fan Club (NAHPFC). “It was pretty unfair of her to go and say that when she didn’t even hint at that in the books.”
In addition to Rowling’s comments, Emma Watson, who gained international fame by pretending to be someone named Hermione Granger, also confessed culpability in the scandal. Watson admitted that both her famous persona and eventual marriage to Ron Weasley were part of a giant sham orchestrated by Rowling, adding that she feels extreme guilt when approached by excited fans convinced they are meeting a powerful witch who is married to redheaded heartthrob Ron Weasley.
Rowling admitted that the pairing was done mostly for what she called “personal reasons,” which sources indicate to be “illogical wish fulfillment,” the same phenomena that allowed readers to actually believe the terrible epilogue that outlined the Granger-Weasley marriage. Like many fans, Rowling had a desire to live vicariously through a series of magical events that never had and never could happen to anyone.
Ron Weasley, who was revealed to be a combination of words on a page and the individual imaginations of each reader, could not be reached for comment.
Originally published Feb. 2014
A two-year clinical infertility study was cancelled last Thursday after researchers were unable to produce conclusive results. The study officially came to an end when test results came back Thursday morning, says Dr. Anna Weitzman, director of the project.
“We were all really invested at that point. I mean, two years, multiple attempts. You could have cut the tension with a knife. And then you know, the tests came back, and we were crushed. I don’t even know how to tell my family that I’m… I’m… inconclusive.”
Weitzman’s study, which would have produced vital insight into childbearing problems plaguing hundreds of thousands of American women, simply refused to quicken.
“I think I deserved to finally have a project of my own. I was ready. Jenn Tunt has already carried two research projects to term and it’s no secret she wasn’t exactly expecting the first one; Professor Handley just kind of made her take it, if you catch my drift.”
Weitzman’s research partner, Dan Marion, was also heavily invested in the project.
“We were in it together. From the start, we both agreed that we wanted a project. We even had names for it all lined up: The Weitzman-Marion Study, or the Marion-Weitzman Study if it took after me. “
A false positive last February prompted the team to alert the media, several professors and professional acquaintances, and their parents.
“You should have seen Anna when she thought it was going to happen. She was glowing. And then we had another doctor check and it turns out the tests were wrong. We had to go tell her parents personally. They had already bought frames for the title page and everything,” said Weitzman’s mother.
Marion’s official statement on the project’s termination explained that, for future reference, the problem is probably not with him.
“I don’t drink as much as Anna, and I’ve never smoked like she does, even though she is aware of how that kind of stuff can, you know, mess with the operations. Plus, it’s no secret she has worked with other guys in the past, and who knows what she picked up with them that could have made this happen. And sure, she likes to say that all the Mountain Dew and skinny jeans could have something to do with it, but really, I think we all know what’s going on here.”
Despite problems within the partnership, the team has decided not to give up on their professional relationship, officially stating that they are open to picking up an abandoned project, and that Pioneer High prom is only three short months away.
Originally published Feb. 2014
ALONG THE MORAL ARC THAT BENDS TOWARDS JUSTICE—After celebrating a 12-2 victory in IM Broomball, team members of The Extra Funky Polka- Dotted Penguin People realized to their delight that they were, in fact, perfect evidence of a post-racial society.
“Wow,” team captain Jacob Preston said at the moment of their epiphany. “Just take a look at us, guys. Seven white kids, a Jew, a Chinese girl, and an African-American, all playing together in perfect harmony. I don’t want to sound cliché, but don’t you think this is a perfect example of what Martin Luther King Jr. was fighting for?”
Members of the team then reportedly nodded their heads silently in agreement, with goalie Brandon Turner struggling to hide his increasingly misty eyes, as he equated a bunch of kids from Markley sliding around on an ice rink in their tennis shoes together to the civil rights movement.
“You know, come to think about it, I didn’t think about race once today when I was shoving around a small round ball with my kitchen broom. I guess this really shows how far we’ve come as a society, huh?” right defender Dennis Huff mused.
“And to think, just 50, 60 years ago broomball teams were still segregated,” left forward Tina Krukewitt agreed.
Team members then began to smile and high-five each other, but the conversation reportedly took a somber turn when center Jay Whitaker admitted that he “just regret[s] that Martin Luther King Jr. couldn’t be around to see us today.”
When left defender Terrence Quaid pointed out that African-Americans and other racial minorities are still systematically discriminated against today in the workplace, the education system, the justice system, and pretty much every other damn place you could think of, his enlightened white teammates gently encouraged him to “stop being such a downer” and “just appreciate how much progress there’s been.”
Originally published Feb 2014.
As per usual, West Quad RA Ben Anderson has redecorated his hallway’s bulletin board for the upcoming month. Hallway sources report that his newest creation, however, is more disturbingly personal than usual. The board, which previously contained standard commentary on how residents should be more sensitive to transgendered peoples and hemophiliacs, was redecorated at some point on Thursday night and now bears the title “Let’s talk about sex… Lisa.”
“When I first saw it, I did a double-take,” claimed freshman Lisa Percifield, “I thought ‘maybe it doesn’t refer to me,’ but then I saw a clump of my hair taped to the corner next to the caption ‘Be mindful of shower drains!’”
“It said, ‘No matter how nice your hair strands may smell with that honey and lavender Herbal Essences shampoo, make sure you clean out the shower for the next person!’”
Other residents of Winchell House were less surprised. According to freshman Tyler Larson “We’ve all known that Ben has a thing for Lisa ever since our hall meeting in September when he winked at her while declaring ‘my door is always open.’ I’m pretty sure he goes the bathroom every four minutes in the hopes that she’s in the hallway too.”
Suspicions were also aroused at the beginning of second semester when Anderson placed new name cards, all bearing the same baby picture of Percifield, on his residents’ doors.
Anderson, however, does not see his bulletin board redecoration as unusual. “I’m simply trying to make sure that our residents make healthy decisions about intimacy… and stop hooking up with that Brian, that fucking Neanderthal from 4th Williams.”
“You see, sex can be a wonderful thing when you do it with the right person, like, I don’t know… a purple belt in judo who’s also vicepresident of the Michigan Tolerance Club and knows four different Coldplay songs on acoustic guitar.”
As of press time, the Lifestyles condom taped to the bulletin board remained unclaimed and Anderson was last seen navigating directly to Percifield’s “Summer 2013” photo album on Facebook.
Originally published Feb 2014/
CANCUN, CABO, PANAMA CITY BEACH, LAS VEGAS, YOU GET THE IDEA—The University’s Alternative Spring Break Program will be featuring a new service option for students looking to have a selfless and rewarding spring break experience.
This year, a group of twenty generous young people will head down to Mexico at the end of the month to help their fellow students regain the pride and memories that will be lost during the weeklong vacation.
“We are looking to promote a no-judgment zone for the distressed and hungover in several different popular spring break destinations,” says group leader Valerie Douglas. “It’s important to take action immediately as drunken mistakes are made. Often times, young people from pampered backgrounds lack the initiative, resources or physical capabilities to fully get their shit together after they’ve experienced a night of questionable morals and a fifth of José Cuervo.”
Because this trip is a first for the Alternative Spring Break Program, Douglas expressed some concern for the program’s launch.
“This will be one of our most challenging trips, as there are a number of things that could threaten the success of our mission. Of course alcohol-induced memory loss is a major problem. In order to rebuild the dignity of a vacationer, we need to be able to determine where exactly it was lost, be it on the phone with an ex or beneath the bubbles at a private Jacuzzi party. Though I’d say our most alarming threat lately is probably the YOLO complex.”
Douglas explained that the program will also feature a follow-up rehabilitation session in Ann Arbor, in which volunteers will aid returning vacationers in untagging compromising facebook photos and providing free, confidential STD testing.
Campus responses to the trip’s goals have not been encouraging. Angela Evans, whose spring break plans include a trip with her sorority sisters, insists that the program is personally insulting.
“If I need people to follow me around and help me fix drunken mistakes, I’ll hire them myself.”
Originally published Feb 2014.
At a recent Geneva press conference of the world’s top scientists, it was revealed that atoms, the microscopic particles that for years have been known to be the building blocks of life itself, are totally made up, with no basis in reality whatsoever.
In front of a panel of experts and a live television audience, Swedish scientist Stefan Borg explained, “The whole idea of atoms is just totally weird. I mean sure, we have to be made of something, but it definitely isn’t atoms. For all we know we could be made of dirt or crystals or whatever.”
The report also indicates that protons, neutrons, and electrons were invented simply because they sound “cool and sciencey,” and are not based on any real experimental evidence. As for experiments that supposedly proved the existence of atoms, those were “totally pulled out of our asses,” according to Dr. Borg. “The truth is we scientists just had a lot of time on our hands and we had to one up the Church somehow.”
“I have dedicated 30 years of research to the study of the molecular structure of DNA, but in that entire time I haven’t found out a single thing,” said noted chemist Nadine Wright. “One day my lab partners and I got sloshed and just made up four or five elements on the spot. We gave them really stupid names like Ununoctium and Yttrium. That one’s fun to say over and over.”
“What really gets me is how this stuff is being taught right alongside biology and physics like there’s actually something to it,” Wright continued. “I mean come on, we can’t even see them! How should we know if they’re really there?”
Despite the fact that atoms are a complete fraud, their study has still managed to attract billions of dollars of funding. Dr. Borg admitted, “Yeah, we’ve been using that grant money to throw the best damn parties you’ve ever seen. The Large Hadron Collider is actually a kickass nightclub, and let me tell you, Nobel Prize winners go hard. “
Borg continued to say he “feel[s] kinda sorry” for wasting so much money on fraudulent research, but nonetheless pointed out that “you all still thought everything was made of tiny particles bonding together. No offense, but you’d have to be pretty gullible to believe that.”
Originally published Feb 2014.