Monthly Archives: March 2014

Hey, Remember Me? By: The Chore Wheel You and Your Roommates Made During the First Week of School

 

Screen Shot 2014-03-31 at 8.54.15 PMHey, guys. It’s been a while, to say the least. And I must admit, I’m a little bit hurt at your wanton neglect.

I was so lovingly crafted when you first moved in. You decorated me with glitter, laminated me, hell—you even gave me a functional spinner. I was supposed to usher in a new era of order, equality, and peace. But I guess you forgot about that pretty quickly.

Kate, do you remember how it was your turn to spin me first? You landed on ‘Take out the trash.’

“Oh, gross,” you said, “Just my luck!” Everyone giggled, secure in the knowledge that the garbage would be taken out in a timely and regular fashion. How naive we all were. It’s been six months, and everyone’s still trying to compact the trash as much as possible to avoid taking 30 seconds out of their House of Cards binges to dispose of it.

You think that’s funny, Abby? Don’t make me laugh. You landed on ‘Clean the bathroom.’ Last time I checked, there were still remnants of vomit on the shower floor from when you drank too much Franzia at your Mean Girls theme party. You’re supposed to get clean in a shower. You’re making a mockery of the entire concept. Disgusting.

And now we come to you, Will. Will, Will, Will. As the only guy in the apartment, you were hesitant to even create me. While the girls cut away at their construction paper, you leered at me, insisting that “we can just clean up after ourselves, we don’t need some stupid chore wheel.” How’s that system working out for you, pal? Last thing I remember, that girl Cindy refused to sleep with you because your apartment was such a hellhole.

Look, I get it. Cleaning’s a pain in the ass. You have other things you’d rather be doing. But you can’t just create a chore wheel and forget about it. You have an obligation to it. You need to cherish it, obey it, and give it the respect and attention it deserves.

At this point, I’ve already lowered my expectations. I know you won’t use me on a weekly basis like you promised at first. But please, please, could you maybe just touch me once in a while? Or even look at me. Please.

 

Originally Published Mar 2014

Do You Hear That Rattling? By: Dad, on the Annual Family Road Trip

Screen Shot 2014-03-31 at 8.49.47 PMHmm, that’s odd. Hey, does anyone else hear that rattling sound? Tommy, is that you horsing around back there? Knock it off, it’s dangerous to distract the driver. Wait, it’s not you? Huh. Strange.

Do you think it could be your sister’s computer knocking up against something? It’s gotta be an easy fix, I mean it just started. Honey, will you check if there is something in the CD drive that could be moving around? Nothing there? Darn it!

Everyone be quiet for a minute. Tommy, I said quiet! Okay, sounds like it’s coming from the back left. Kids do you hear it back there? No, I’m pretty sure back left. I just don’t hear a loud sound around me. It’s more distant than that.

There’s no way it could be the engine, I mean I just took it in last week. Seriously, I was just there. Will everyone make sure their windows are rolled up all the way, please? Shoot, I thought that might do it. What do you mean you can’t even hear, it Beth? There is an obvious rattle. Well yeah, sometimes it’s softer than other times, but it’s still there!

Alright, I’m going to decelerate and you tell me if you think it’s getting better or worse. Now I’m going to speed back up and you guys do the same thing. Okay, it’s definitely worse when we go slower than 70 or faster than 80, so I’ll try to stay somewhere around 75. That’s the sweet spot, baby!

Okay that doesn’t really seem to be helping anymore. Can you guys make sure it’s not just something in a cup holder rattling around? Maybe it’s the heat. Do you think? We are much further south. But even if that’s the problem, it still doesn’t tell us where it’s coming from. No, Crissy, I’m sure the car is fine, we’re all safe. Beth will you check the sunglass holder and the glove compartment again real quick? Yeah, just take everything out one by one and see if it stops. Yes, everything. Don’t question me.

Alright Beth, you’re going to have to drive for a while so I can figure out where the heck this dang sound is coming from. Okay? At the next rest stop we can get out and take a break, I’ll check under the hood, and we’ll switch drivers. Then we can finally have a good time, right guys?

 

Originally Published Mar 2014

Gimme Dat Youth Vote! By: Rick Snyder, 48th Governor of Michigan

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What’s cracking, you crazy kidz? I know what you’re thinking, who’s this old governor guy, and what’s he doing writing editorials in the newspaper? Heck, what’s a newspaper?! Amiright?!

Srsly tho, I’ve got #election2014 coming up this year, and I wanted to be sure that all you ladies and germs in college know that you can come out and vote so long as you’re over 18.

But why should you vote for me? Not only am I a UofM alum (#goblue #HAIL #denardforheisman), but I’m also the illest, chillest, signing-billest governor in the history of the state, yo!

What have I done? Let’s start with #motown. I used my business background (it’s all about the Benjamins, baby) to realize that the big D was srsly short on Benjamins. So I took action and appointed a #emergencymanager who declared #bankruptcy, so now the city can undergo a #structureddefault on its pension liabilities and some day get back to being #nottheworstplaceinamerica!

Okay, okay, but I bet you’re wondering: “yeah, yeah Tricky Ricky, but what can you do for me?” Only give you a Right to Twerk, yo! Since I signed the bill last year, buzz-killing unions can’t prevent you from twerking your keester off in whatever industry you want!

What will I do in my second term? Who knows, maybe continue simplifying the tax code and incentivizing investment in our manufacturing industry… Or maybe I’ll make ice cream free for everyone! #YOLO.

So get on the World Wide Web, Tweet at all your Myspace buddies about #snyder2014, and come vote in November!

G2G,

Governor Rick “the Stick” Snyder

 

Originally Published Mar 2014

In Response To Declining Viewership, CNN To Reboot Highly-Rated War On Terror

Following the massively popular trend of remaking classic TV series and movies, CNN has announced plans to reboot the early 2000s ratings smash War On Terror.

“Rebooting the popular shows of yesterday is big business right now,” CNN senior producer Susan Deforest said during the announcement’s press conference. “Look at 24, look at Heroes. This is what people want right now.”

War On Terror, a drama which debuted in 2001, focused on the stressful lives of men who worked in global politics as well as the brutal deaths of hundreds of thousands of soldiers and civilians.

CNN, which has witnessed their viewership decline in the last few years, is following the lead of networks like CBS and Fox, whose recent renewal of classic programs such as The Odd Couple and Cosmos are garnering significant buzz within the industry. Analysts are already speculating that the rebooted war will be a boon for reaching key demographics.

“War On Terror’s original run proved to be a runaway hit in most audiences, but most importantly it brought in the younger 18–35 demographic, which is crucial to advertisement sales,” explained CNN’s advertising director Mark Garcia. “The 9/11 premiere was definitely a sleeper hit—nobody saw that coming!”

The original series drew in record cable news audiences and kept the people guessing with its captivating storylines. Garcia said that he hopes the relaunch will bring in similar metrics.

“One of the highest rated episodes of the original series aired in December 2003,” Garcia said. “Now I don’t want to say a spoiler about the episode for those who haven’t seen it yet, but let’s just say that U.S. forces finally caught up with a certain president of Iraq. But to be fair, who hasn’t seen every episode? Anyone who hasn’t needs to binge watch on Netflix ASAP.”

Despite the expectant ratings boom for CNN, some fans of the original series are expressing mixed feelings about the relaunch.

“I kind of hope they do it right this time, for the fans,” avid War On Terror enthusiast Dick Cheney said. “The original series fell apart after they recast most of the actors. They had Barack Obama replace George W. Bush in the lead role and things weren’t exactly the same after that.” Cheney winced and then added, “I also really hope they stick to canon.”

During the press conference, Deforest expressed hopes to “catch lightning in a bottle a second time” with the new cast. “Audiences love rich, smart, sophisticated dramas,” Deforest said. “We hope that with our new cast our reimagining of what a global war on terrorism brings about in terms of interpersonal interactions and uncovering the foibles of love and the human experience will command a new level of audience engagement.”

CNN is also rumored to retool their presentation a bit, adding new features like social media integration and a new app that delivers push notifications of daily terror alert levels.

“Hashtags, hashtags, hashtags,” CNN social media correspondent Patrick Copeland explained. “We’re going to get the discussion going on social media by splashing the hashtag #OMGWMDs on the corner of all screens. We have to update the show to make it more relevant to today’s audience. The entire media landscape has transformed since 2001.”

To complement its TV and web reporting, CNN will add some on-the-ground presence in the form of field social media correspondents.

“It’s crucial to use social media to reach the younger audience. A car bomb goes off? We’ll be there to Vine it,” Copeland explains. “There’s an attempted plane hijacking? Expect us to get #CNNTerrorWatch trending. An IED collapses a three-story building in Iraq, killing forty? Now that’s what I call a Man Crush Monday.”

 

Originally Published Mar 2014

Alfalfa County, Oklahoma Residents Protesting New Stoplight Law, But You Won’t Hear About That on the News, Will You?

Screen Shot 2014-03-31 at 8.33.23 PMAccording to sources in Alfalfa County, Oklahoma, local residents have begun to protest the new local stoplight law, but with the liberal media yapping on about Venezuela and Ukraine it’s not like you’re ever going to hear about it anyhow.

While good citizens like Ralph DelSignore and Margaret Tillman are simply fed up with the $15 increase in fines for running a red light, the news media will only feed us the same ol’ crap churned up by the Obama Machine, sources report. Analysts concluded that, should this trend continue, the goddamned DMV is just gonna keep walking all over the decent people of the US of A.

The increase has been called an unforgivable injustice, a unnecessary government overreach, and certainly worth a few minutes in between all those Venezuelans and Crimeans hollering about God knows what. However, sources report that it would be unwise to get our hopes up because when last year’s hunting regulations went into effect, nary a second of news time was devoted to backlash from hunters, instead focusing completely on some civil war in the Middle-East.

Despite the fact that Jim Vernon went down to the Staples on 2nd street and bought everyone Sharpies and poster board, the plight of Vernon and others like him will continue to go unnoticed in favor of world leaders threatening major global conflict.

One such example is Denise Williams, who was all set to join the women’s bridge club in picketing at the local courthouse. Unfortunately, her efforts were in vain as the collapse of the late dictator Hugo Chavez’s regime continues to dominate the news cycle. Vladimir Putin’s flagrant violation of Ukrainian and international law also took precedence over the efforts of these courageous, plucky ladies.

Alfalfa County residents remain perplexed as to what exactly is so important about those guys anyway. It was recently confirmed that those jokers ain’t gonna help folks in Oklahoma, not one bit.

 

Originally Published Mar 2014

George Lopez Retires ‘Latino’ Gimmick, Returns With New 3 Minute Special

Screen Shot 2014-03-31 at 8.27.10 PMFamous stand-up comedian George Lopez announced last Tuesday that he is toning down his ‘Hispanic’ image for his anticipated new special airing on HBO. After 25 years of picking apart his Mexican family and culture, Lopez returns this Saturday with all new topics for a hilarious, eye-opening 3 minutes and 20 seconds.

“There is so much more to me than my ethnicity. I’m proud of my past, but I need to move on and prove that I’m not just a one-trick pony,” Lopez said of his show.

Though this upcoming special, titled Other Material That’s Kinda Been Hanging Around in My Notebook For a While, covers new territory for the comedian, Lopez is confident that it will be a hit. “No more stalling,” the comic shouted near the end of his special, “I’ve got some things on my mind, and you’re going to hear them!” This set off an unprecedented, 40 second standing ovation from the audience.

Other Material represents a new phase of the stand-up’s career. The comic’s last special, Mexican’t, was his longest routine since his infamous ninth special, Little Taco Boy and as scathing as his fourth, I Ain’t Your Amigo.

Spending his previous performances analyzing his rich heritage and the socioeconomic implications it brings, Lopez will bring his biting insight to new topics this time, including hot dogs and parking spaces at the mall.

“What’s with hot dogs?” Lopez asked his predominantly Hispanic audience. “You know, my buddy told me they put pigs’ anuses in there. Gross!” When the crowd failed to react even after realizing this was indeed supposed to be a joke, Lopez moved on to his closing bit: a critical, yet meditative observation on nail clippers.

Insiders report that viewers will likely have mixed reactions to Lopez’s new style.

“I guess it was kind of funny when he pretended that the microphone was a telescope,” said Lupita Avere, an enthused fan, “but I kind of miss Lopez Classic. Who else is going to use stereotypes and broad generalizations to point out the differences between Latinos and whites?”

Originally Published Mar 2014

Atheist Uses Logic, Reason to Congratulate Self, Alienate Others

University of Cambridge student and atheist Justin Tannenbaum has been celebrated for telling absolutely everyone he encounters—regardless of if they want to hear it—that anyone who is not an atheist is a complete fucking idiot.

For three years, Tannenbaum has worked tirelessly to structure his coursework, extracurriculars, and free time around an issue he’s extremely passionate about: the fact that God does not exist.

Though Tannenbaum grew up attending Hebrew school, he realized at the very young age of eight that humankind is completely alone and without any intrinsic purpose on this planet. For that reason, Tannenbaum has made it his purpose to use his objective, degrading and patronizing logic to spread the gospel of our existential solitude—in essence, “the total fucking ridiculousness of any religious belief.”

In his freshman year, Tannenbaum spontaneously admonished approximately three thousand people for their “ludicrously ignorant” belief in a personal, benevolent, powerful deity. Rather than waiting around for an opportunity to share his views with an audience open to hearing another’s perspective, Tannenbaum took the initiative and provoked bystanders on deeply personal questions of religious faith.

“For me, this issue really isn’t about the social bonds and existential comfort that emanates from certain ways of seeing the world,” Tannenbaum said.

“This is about the simple fact that I’m right, and everyone else is wrong,” Tannenbaum said. “If I piss off a few people in the process and completely alienate myself from otherwise friendly, interesting, and well-meaning people, so be it.”

“And hey,” Tannenbaum added, “When they die and find out there’s no Heaven or Hell, I won’t tell them I told them so.”

 

Originally Published Mar 2014

Pope Francis Attempts to Inspire Inner-city Youth with Power of Math

In continuation of his unorthodox charitable acts, Pope Francis has accepted a job in Compton, Los Angeles teaching a group of tough-as-nails kids from the street remedial algebra.

While Francis has waged considerable efforts against intolerance, economic injustice, and corruption within his own church, Vatican analysts have suggested that shaping this group of undisciplined students into responsible adults may be Francis’ toughest job yet.

“He has done so much for the poor, but I’m not sure what he can do with these kids,” said a high-ranking church official. “Will Pope Francis fail miserably, or will he succeed against all odds? I don’t know, but either way, this inspiring quest to teach these kids to exceed expectations will be a must-see.”

The His Holiness’ efforts have also met cautious skepticism from both students and administration.

“I don’t know who this Pope guy thinks he is,” said student Jamal Anderson, an at-risk youth with potential that only the right teacher can help him achieve. “This white dude just comes in here like he’s gonna solve all our problems? Get real. I know he’s all ‘infallible’ and shit, but this dude is whack.”

“His hat is hella fresh though,” added the student, expressing a brief moment of respect for the Vicar of Jesus Christ.

“I don’t expect much. These kids come from broken homes and don’t have any real role models. Unless he wants to use tough love and a strong yet gentle demeanor, I don’t see how he’ll change the lives of any of these students,” said stern but encouraging principal Jim Strickland. Strickland added that he was ready to be “pleasantly surprised” if the pope should succeed.

In his first few days at South Compton High School, the Bishop of Rome had a tougher experience than he expected, he said.

“I don’t know how to get to these kids,” said the holy patriarch of the Catholic Church in character-defining moment of weakness. “In one week I’ve seen 3 stbbings, 1 shooting, 5 cars thefts, but zero completed homework assignments. These kids need to understand that an understanding of mathematics can translate into real-world skills.

“Right now, these kids are having a lot of trouble. But I have faith in them,” said Pope Francis. “If, through the power of math, they multiply their efforts and subtract their differences, their futures will be exponentially brighter.”

The Supreme Pontiff and Prince of Apostles announced that, provided his efforts here succeed, he may go on to turn a ragtag group of baseball players with no concept of teamwork into a championship team.

 

Originally Published Mar 2014

Getting Attacked by Hyenas While Sleeping Least of Somali Man’s Problems

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Despite the constant threat of being viciously mauled by wild hyenas while he sleeps, Somali man Dalmar Samatar admitted that when considering the combination of extreme poverty, hunger, disease, oppression, lawlessness, and militant attacks, he has little time to concern himself with the very real threat of wild beasts tearing and gnawing at his vulnerable flesh.

“Sure, several people in my village have been pulled away by a pack of devil dogs in the dark of the night,” said the man whose government cowers when challenged by a smattering of Islamists with AK-47s, “But at least those people no longer have to hear the sounds of crying children with empty and bloated bellies.”

Hyenas, considered by some in Somalia to have special powers to root out evil spirits, are often put in a locked room with mentally ill Somalis in a last-ditch effort to cure ailments. While several cases of patient injuries have been reported, most who undergo treatment are simply grateful to be within reach of potentially edible meat.

“There are several ways to ward off hyena attacks,” Samatar explained while nervously turning toward distant gunfire, “They don’t attack sick individuals, and they are especially drawn to houses with food. Also, it is important to own a gun if they do come into the house.”

“This is Somalia, so needless to say I got all those bases covered.”

 

Originally Published Mar 2014

Sophomore Stops Mid-Workout to Contemplate Own Mortality

Pretending that his shoulders were simply sore from multiple repetitions on the lat-pulldown machine, UM sophomore Kyree Holmes took a brief respite from his shoulders and pecs day workout once he realized he would die one day.

“I don’t know, dude, I just suddenly thought like, ‘Why am I here? I have so few precious hours left on this earth, should I really be spending my time at the gym?’” Holmes stated. “And then once I started walking down that road, I started thinking that maybe my time would be better spent volunteering or learning or reading or something,” Holmes said of his spontaneous existential crisis.

“Like, what the fuck,” he added, “I didn’t want to deal with that right then.”

Upon switching his iPod to James Taylor, Holmes proceeded to trudge around the track in a farmer walk, all the while contemplating questions such as “What makes life worth living?”

“On the one hand, I want to think it’s love and personal relationships that makes it all worth it,” Holmes sighed, massaging his over-worked shoulder, “But then I realize I haven’t called my parents in two months and I barely talk to my friends from high school anymore. Does that make me a bad person? Does it mean I’m not really invested in those relationships to begin with?”

Holmes moved to his last routine of the workout, which involved behind-the-back drag curls on the Smith machine. He outperformed recent workout results, which he attributed to a growing frustration with the state of his life and the unsolicited advice of everyone around him.

“I’ve seen all this stuff online which is like, ‘Just choose to be happy.’ That’s bullshit, though, you know? I mean, can humans ever truly choose to be happy? And for that matter, what is happiness? I guess I’ll have to ask the teenaged, upper-middle class bitch who just learned how to use Tumblr and copy-paste inspirational quotes on a tropical background.”

“Fuck that, dude. I’m done,” Holmes groaned as he left the gym, taking sips from his protein shake.

At press time, Holmes was watching the last half of the basketball game before class which reminded him yet again of the constant battle man is engaged with against the universe.

Originally Published Mar 2014.