Hey, Remember Me? By: The Chore Wheel You and Your Roommates Made During the First Week of School

  Hey, guys. It’s been a while, to say the least. And I must admit, I’m a little bit hurt at your wanton neglect. I was so lovingly crafted when you first moved in. You decorated me with glitter, laminated me, hell—you even gave me a functional spinner. I was supposed to usher in a new era of order, equality, and peace.

Do You Hear That Rattling? By: Dad, on the Annual Family Road Trip

Hmm, that’s odd. Hey, does anyone else hear that rattling sound? Tommy, is that you horsing around back there? Knock it off, it’s dangerous to distract the driver. Wait, it’s not you? Huh. Strange. Do you think it could be your sister’s computer knocking up against something? It’s gotta be an easy fix, I mean it just started. Honey, will you check if there

Gimme Dat Youth Vote! By: Rick Snyder, 48th Governor of Michigan

What’s cracking, you crazy kidz? I know what you’re thinking, who’s this old governor guy, and what’s he doing writing editorials in the newspaper? Heck, what’s a newspaper?! Amiright?! Srsly tho, I’ve got #election2014 coming up this year, and I wanted to be sure that all you ladies and germs in college know that you can come out and vote so long as

In Response To Declining Viewership, CNN To Reboot Highly-Rated War On Terror

Following the massively popular trend of remaking classic TV series and movies, CNN has announced plans to reboot the early 2000s ratings smash War On Terror. “Rebooting the popular shows of yesterday is big business right now,” CNN senior producer Susan Deforest said during the announcement’s press conference. “Look at 24, look at Heroes. This is what people want right now.” War On Terror, a

Alfalfa County, Oklahoma Residents Protesting New Stoplight Law, But You Won’t Hear About That on the News, Will You?

According to sources in Alfalfa County, Oklahoma, local residents have begun to protest the new local stoplight law, but with the liberal media yapping on about Venezuela and Ukraine it’s not like you’re ever going to hear about it anyhow. While good citizens like Ralph DelSignore and Margaret Tillman are simply fed up with the $15 increase in fines for running a red light,

George Lopez Retires ‘Latino’ Gimmick, Returns With New 3 Minute Special

Famous stand-up comedian George Lopez announced last Tuesday that he is toning down his ‘Hispanic’ image for his anticipated new special airing on HBO. After 25 years of picking apart his Mexican family and culture, Lopez returns this Saturday with all new topics for a hilarious, eye-opening 3 minutes and 20 seconds. “There is so much more to me than my ethnicity. I’m proud of

Atheist Uses Logic, Reason to Congratulate Self, Alienate Others

University of Cambridge student and atheist Justin Tannenbaum has been celebrated for telling absolutely everyone he encounters—regardless of if they want to hear it—that anyone who is not an atheist is a complete fucking idiot. For three years, Tannenbaum has worked tirelessly to structure his coursework, extracurriculars, and free time around an issue he’s extremely passionate about: the fact that God does

Pope Francis Attempts to Inspire Inner-city Youth with Power of Math

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In continuation of his unorthodox charitable acts, Pope Francis has accepted a job in Compton, Los Angeles teaching a group of tough-as-nails kids from the street remedial algebra. While Francis has waged considerable efforts against intolerance, economic injustice, and corruption within his own church, Vatican analysts have suggested that shaping this group of undisciplined students into responsible adults may be Francis’ toughest job

Getting Attacked by Hyenas While Sleeping Least of Somali Man’s Problems

Despite the constant threat of being viciously mauled by wild hyenas while he sleeps, Somali man Dalmar Samatar admitted that when considering the combination of extreme poverty, hunger, disease, oppression, lawlessness, and militant attacks, he has little time to concern himself with the very real threat of wild beasts tearing and gnawing at his vulnerable flesh. “Sure, several people in my village

Sophomore Stops Mid-Workout to Contemplate Own Mortality

Pretending that his shoulders were simply sore from multiple repetitions on the lat-pulldown machine, UM sophomore Kyree Holmes took a brief respite from his shoulders and pecs day workout once he realized he would die one day. “I don’t know, dude, I just suddenly thought like, ‘Why am I here? I have so few precious