Excited Schlissel Finds Dead Squirrel Behind Union, Wonders If You’d Like To Poke It With Stick

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NEAR THE DUMPSTER BEHIND THE UNION—Following the discovery of a newly deceased squirrel, University President Mark Schlissel has reportedly been out of the office for several hours examining the carcass. “During my short time at the University of Michigan, this is definitely the coolest thing I’ve seen yet,” said Schlissel to a group of onlookers,

$30 Jar of Artisanal Mustard Consigned To Sit In Grandparents’ Cupboard Indefinitely

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Despite their repeated intentions to use the gift to spice up a variety of vinaigrettes, marinades or glazes, local grandparents Terrence and Ida Adler have yet to find a worthy use for a small jar of premium stone-ground mustard they received last Christmas. The mustard in question, collecting dust between a canister of Old Bay

It Finally Time For Hawaiian Shirt, Declare Nation’s Dads

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Noticing the weather this weekend will be “mighty fine,” several area dads have elected to wear Hawaiian shirts, citing the loose-fitting garments as a “sharp but breathable” choice for relaxation indoors and outside. “Tomorrow seems like a great day to kick back with some cold brewskis and enjoy the warmth, that is, if the Weather

Man Listening to Country Music Finds Self Inexplicably Beginning to Question Veracity of Climate Change

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In what he has described as an puzzling and troubling turn of events, area man Evan Trainer has found himself beginning to question global warming following an afternoon listening to country music. Trainer, who describes himself as an otherwise reasonable man, reported he had been listening to country hits on the radio when he suddenly

Man Twirling Mustache Probably Suspect In Some Kind Of Train Robbery

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The attempted murder of a young woman strapped to a local railway last Friday triggered eyewitnesses to suspect a man nearby, who at the time of the incident was twirling his mustache and grinning in a way described later as “sinister.” Witness Todd Howard, who had been waiting in his Jeep convertible for the train

Grandson Inherits Treasured Family Heirloom, Chronic Risk of Heart Disease

After a long talk from his father about the object’s significance yesterday, area grandson Casey Dishman inherited his great-great-grandfather’s treasured timepiece along with his increased risk for cardiac arrest, hypertension, and other life threatening coronary related ailments. Dishman, who is the new proud owner of a prized family possession and will be hospitalized at age

First Grade Teacher Fucking Nailed It With Rivers And Streams Unit This Year

Hailing this year’s overview of estuaries, tributaries and straits as a slam-fucking-dunk, sources confirmed that local first grade teacher Shelly Caruthers “fucking nailed it” with her rivers and streams unit this semester. The unit, which Caruthers has taught annually since 2009, was praised by students and colleagues as a particularly rousing and demonstration of names

Scientists Claim Humans Not Alone In Universe, Except Dave

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A report released by NASA this week confirmed that, given the vastness of our universe, much of the scientific community now believes humans may not be alone, except for 31-year-old web designer Dave Clement. “Essentially, what we’re looking at is a probabilistic argument,” said astrophysicist Michio Kaku. “If we truly consider the vastness of space,

Michigan Psychedelics Club Hosts Inaugural Meeting on Second Floor Of Arb

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Predicting that students would come for the free pizza and stay for the transcendent sense of spiritual oneness with the universe, the Michigan Psychedelics Club held a successful inaugural meeting last Thursday on the fabled second floor of the Nichols Arboretum. Club representatives said the mythical upper floor of the centuries-old, 120-acre nature preserve was

Amazing! This Man Wrote His Senior Farewell As A Vicious Stream Of Invective To Disguise The Fact That It Is Heartbreakingly Sincere

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By Seth Wolin Saying goodbye to great friends who do great work is tough fucking shit. But for one boastful, swaggering motherfucker, the task just got infinitesimally easier to pull the fuck off: When asked to write this worthless piece of shit, Seth Wolin, celebrated Co-Editor-in-Chief of the Every Three Weekly and self-appointed arbiter of

I Came for the Validation, But I Stayed for the Shared Sense of Misanthropy

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By Emily Moore Ever since I was a young girl, humor has been an integral part of my identity—my friends have always considered me the ‘funny one,’ even back when my main schtick involved naming all my school supplies and insisting they had their own unique personalities (although to be honest that knocked it out

Why You Should Take Your Language Requirement Seriously

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By Ethan Auburn First of all I want to thank you, dear reader! This paper has been produced for the sole purpose of making you laugh (best case scenario) or at least half-heartedly smile as often as humanly possible. If you are looking for jokes in this farewell, however, you won’t find any. Well maybe

Bye!

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By Paul Vites On Wed, Apr 1, 2015 at 12:11 AM, Paul Vites <pvites@gmail. com> wrote: Ahhhh! Shoot! Hey Marie! Sorry, I totally forgot to get back to you! I was thinking it could be something extremely short, like: “I deny any and all affiliations with the Every Three Weekly, and I do not give permission to use

Warm Weather Has Ann Arbor Preachers Excited To Get Outside, Condemn Students To Hell

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As the town emerges from another especially cold winter, sources say the rapidly improving weather has Ann Arbor preachers eager to get out in the warm, spring sunlight and loudly condemn passing students to hell. Reportedly, the evangelists are flocking to the Diag in droves, delighted to soak up some rays and admonish students for

Gym A Great, Terrible Place To Hit On Chicks, Say Men, Women

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THAT ONE TREADMILL IN THE IM BUILDING— A recent survey of male gym goers found the gym to be a perfectly acceptable place to hit on women, to which a cohort of female gym goers responded, “Don’t.” The survey was conducted at the Intramural Sports building and provoked many interesting responses from gym goers such

Derek Jeter Caught Gazing Wistfully At Infield From Stadium Bleachers As Baseball Returns Without Him

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Despite seemingly accomplishing everything during his illustrious career and retiring last season to much pomp and circumstance, Derek Jeter has been frequently seen in Yankee Stadium, likely hoping for a return to the field. “Yeah, I caught Mr. Jeter in Monument Park the other day, hanging on the fence and looking longingly toward the infield

Report: IM Basketball Player Can ‘Almost Dunk’

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CCRB—Although he has consistently been described by gym teachers and coaches throughout his life as an “average athlete who really tries his best,” 5’11’’ sophomore and IM basketball player Jason Cooper said Tuesday that he “can’t quite dunk,” but is “pretty close.” Cooper explained, “I can grab the rim almost every time. I’ve propelled the

Neurotic Doctor Too Concerned with Getting Time of Death Right to Save Patient

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Noting how he had failed to acknowledge the dying patient, but had watched the clock with extreme precision and accuracy, reports confirmed that Dan Marshall, head surgeon of Greenwich Hospital, managed to write down the correct time of death before it was too late. “As soon as I saw the prognosis I knew what I

Area Man Suddenly Realizes He Turning Into Less-Cool Version of Father

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Father and elementary school teacher Keith Bauman, 33, had the startling realization last Wednesday that he had become the spitting image of his father at his age, if by age 33 Bauman’s father had started balding already, never played in a band, or enjoyed spending his Friday evenings huddled around a board game. “When you’re

Report: Coors Just Selling Trains Now

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Citing market research that indicated consumers were more excited by the Coors Light Silver Bullet train marketing campaign than the beer itself, the MillerCoors company announced plans Monday to discontinue the beer and enter the high-speed light rail train industry. “While we will always cherish the cool refreshing taste of Coors Light, we have determined

Former Teletubby Tinky Winky Takes Shot At Laa-Laa In Brazen New Freestyle

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Following the release of his mixtape last week, former Teletubby Tinky Winky has been accused of expressing long-held beef with Laa-Laa in the album’s 8th track, with lyrics accusing her of being a “baby-back-bitch and always giggling over my lines.” The song’s third verse reads, “Neva roll on a grassy knoll with deez hoes /

Congressional Progressive Rock Caucus Releases New Concept Legislation

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WASHINGTON——Tired of the rigid and uninspired format of traditional legislation, the Congressional Progressive Rock Caucus introduced the Sustainable Employment Future Act, better known as Green Jobs Part I: The Ballad of HR-526. “We just wanted to do something different, you know?” said congressman Benjamin Chesterton (D-NH), vice chair of the congressional progressive rock caucus. “We

NCRB Renovation Presents Exciting Prospect For Students, the Naked Elderly

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The University Board of Regents have approved a $13 million grant for a renovation of the North Campus Recreational Building (NCRB), much to the delight of fitness-minded students, as well as elderly Ann Arbor residents who show up in the locker rooms and take their clothes off. The renovation, due to be completed in Fall

Area Goodie Two-Shoes Still Waiting At Intersection With Broken Traffic Light

Recent reports have indicated that avid rule follower Chris Wright is still continuing his three week-long wait at the intersection of Hill and State streets due to a malfunctioning traffic light. “The little walking guy just isn’t showing up, and I don’t wanna be caught jaywalking, you know?” Wright said. “I mean sure, it looks

Markley Roaches Disgusted By Freshman Infestation

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Nearly seven months since it began, thousands of Markley cockroaches are calling for the extermination of what may be the largest freshman infestation in recent history. “It’s disgusting,” confessed an outspoken cockroach. “I don’t know what it is–the greasy hair, the oily skin, the lanyards–just the sight of them makes me sick. Not to mention

CAPS Hosting Daily Workshops To Help Students Re-Stress Before Finals

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Citing concerns over student performance on end-of-term examinations, the University’s Counseling and Psychological Services Center announced that it is piloting a program this April that hopes to provide easygoing, carefree students with the boost in anxiety, panic and dread they need to reach their full academic potential on this semester’s final examinations. “At CAPS, we’ve

Report: No One ‘Around’ To Pick Up Least Essential Member Of Friend Group From Airport

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Sophomore Alex DeRosa spent his Sunday night waiting on the curb of Detroit Metro Airport’s North Terminal for a ride that would not arrive. DeRosa is the latest in a series of students returning from weekend trips to be blissfully unaware that his friends’ cars are being used for almost anything else. Said DeRosa, “Well

Israel Moves Forward With Purchase Of Used Honda Civic After Failure of CSG Divestment Resolution

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After the Central Student Government voted against a resolution that would have “[called] for the creation of an ad hoc committee to investigate the University’s investments in companies that allegedly facilitate human rights violations against Palestinians,” Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced Wednesday that Israel would be “boldly moving forward” with the purchase of one used

Study Suggests Paleo Dieters Lose Average Of Ten Pounds, Three Friends Per Month

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According to reports released earlier this month by University of Michigan health system nutritionists, adhering to the Paleo diet for a one-month period is likely to decrease body fat by 6 percent and friendship circles by nearly 50 percent. Lead researcher Bre Todd explained, “We’ve found, in an overwhelming majority of studies, that subjects who

Family Argument Settled In Kitchen Begins Again In Living Room

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Hostility descended upon the Lachowitz family shortly after dinner Thursday night when a disagreement between Jeff and Tonya Lachowitz seemingly settled in the kitchen suddenly re-emerged with renewed intensity in the living room. Sources confirmed that the argument stemmed from a dispute over which trash bags fit best in the trashcan under the sink. While