‘This is Where They’ll Say It All Began,’ Thinks Freshman in Chem 130

THE PATH TO SUCCESS—During his professor’s rushed, twenty-minute overview of the Chemistry 130 syllabus and attendance procedures, freshman Ben Brady was reported to have been consistently taking notes, nodding vigorously, and aiming to make eye contact with his pre-assigned GSI. Upon dismissal, Brady closed his notebook, thanked the professor, and exited the Chemistry building at

From the Time Warp: Extinction of Squirrels on Campus Leaves Incredibly Boring People with Nothing to Talk About

Sources confirmed that the last squirrel on the University of Michigan’s campus died today, taking with it a number of hilarious jokes and topics of conversation, according to incredibly boring people. “When I heard the news, I was devastated,” said mind-numbingly dull campus tour guide Michelle Turner. “How else am I going to show how

Sophomore Girls Feel Less Welcome at This Year’s Welcome Week

Across campus, female students of sophomore standing have reported a disturbing downward trend in hospitality when comparing this year’s Welcome Week to last year’s. Said LSA student Liana Janes, “All I know is that when I was a freshman, I was regularly invited upstairs to take shots of the ‘expensive stuff,’ and this year I’m

Former Study Abroad Student Disgusted With Boorish Peers

ON AN ISLAND OF IGNORANCE— Upon returning to campus from her semester abroad in Paris, France, Angela Hunington said she was both “shocked” and “disheartened” by the limited worldly experience of her friends, classmates, and suitors. The newly enlightened student’s academic advisor reported that Hunington dropped her English 340 class after being disappointed by a

Domino’s Pizza Unveils New Meat Lovers’ Salad

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Citing consumer interest in healthier options at dinnertime, Domino’s Pizza has unveiled a new “Meat Lovers’ Salad,” which will be available nationwide next month. “We wanted to make sure our customers could make healthy choices,” said Max Roeske, VP of Marketing at Domino’s. “Pizza is great, but sometimes you just wanna dig into to a

Gynecologist Diagnoses Area Man With Hypochondria

According to sources at the University of Michigan Health System’s Center for Gynecology, local man Terry McDaniel was diagnosed with a severe case of hypochondria last Monday, after an appointment with gynecologist Myra Ellis. “I have never given a diagnosis like this before, but McDaniel’s symptoms were obvious immediately upon entering the examination room,” said

Single Bout of Physical Activity Sustains Area Man’s Self-Esteem for Months

PEAK OF SELF-WORTH—Although the act occurred over 2 months ago, a single session of physical exercise continues to buoy Salt Lake City, Utah man Charlie Devon’s self-esteem. Speaking at a local coffee shop, Devon said, “I know I probably shouldn’t have a third cinna- mon roll this week, but I did go biking for like

Michigan Daily Gets Final Say on Summer Blockbusters

HOLLYWOOD, MI—With the summer movie season over, Hollywood’s major studios have begun to reflect on the hits and misses from the busy blockbuster season, a task that would never be complete without the final say from Ann Arbor’s own The Michigan Daily. Said Warner Brothers’ CEO and Chairman Kevin Tsujihara, “Oh, sure we can get

Sophomore’s Standards for Attraction Lowered for Only Male Professor

Noting his breadth of knowledge in the field and the fact that he is the only stable adult male with whom she interacts on a regular basis, sophomore Molly Minar admitted that despite her new linguistics professor’s total lack of traditional good looks, she finds him, “kinda hot actually.” Despite his male-pattern baldness and notable

Campus Juniors Getting Head Start on This Semester’s Nervous Breakdown

With the fall semester still in its opening weeks, a number of school-savvy upperclassmen are already making preparations for this semester’s stress-induced total loss of control, whose arrival in the coming months is reportedly all but inevitable. From overburdened pre-meds to under- skilled pre-laws, many of these proactive, emotionally volatile students are gearing up for