First Grade Job Market Competitive As Ever For This Year’s Kindergarten Graduates

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A new comprehensive study out this week finds that the 2014 Kindergarten graduates will likely struggle to find a job on any first grade classroom job chart. “I’ve always dreamed of getting to take care of the classroom pet when I became a first grader,” said Hannah K. from Mrs. Carlson’s class. “I’ve gone through

AI Program More Charming than Programmer

According to sources, computer science senior Mark Mahan has accidentally created an artificial intelligence program with greater social skills than his own, as part of an assignment in his EECS 492 class. “Our assignment was just to write a program that chatted back and forth with a human, so I wrote a simple program to

Michigan Court Legalizes Gay Marijuana

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In a landmark case cheered by progressives and fans of judicial activism alike, a Michigan appeals court has ruled to legalize gay marijuana, making Michigan the first state in the Union to allow the use of homosexual cannabis. “The court has determined that there is no ethical or legal basis to deny gay marijuana smokers the same rights as straight smokers,” reads

Local Football Star Takes Off Brainy Girl’s Glasses, Still Ugly

  ALL-AMERICAN HOMETOWN—After scoring the winning touchdown last Friday night, local football star Jason Turner ran up the bleachers and removed his biology tutor Alice Williams’ thick-framed glasses only to discover his potential love interest was still ugly without them. The discovery came as a shock. “Every popular depiction of the popular teenager/ ugly duckling

Neil DeGrasse Tyson Pretty Much Drowning in Tail These Days

Sources report that since the debut of the critically acclaimed series Cosmos and a string of high profile late night TV appearances, celebrity astronomer Neil DeGrasse Tyson is “plowing trim like nobody’s business these days.” Dr. DeGrasse Tyson, who holds degrees from Harvard and Columbia, has enjoyed minor stardom within the world of astrophysics since the 1990s. But his big break did not

Hey, Remember Me? By: The Chore Wheel You and Your Roommates Made During the First Week of School

  Hey, guys. It’s been a while, to say the least. And I must admit, I’m a little bit hurt at your wanton neglect. I was so lovingly crafted when you first moved in. You decorated me with glitter, laminated me, hell—you even gave me a functional spinner. I was supposed to usher in a new era of order, equality, and peace.

Do You Hear That Rattling? By: Dad, on the Annual Family Road Trip

Hmm, that’s odd. Hey, does anyone else hear that rattling sound? Tommy, is that you horsing around back there? Knock it off, it’s dangerous to distract the driver. Wait, it’s not you? Huh. Strange. Do you think it could be your sister’s computer knocking up against something? It’s gotta be an easy fix, I mean it just started. Honey, will you check if there

Gimme Dat Youth Vote! By: Rick Snyder, 48th Governor of Michigan

What’s cracking, you crazy kidz? I know what you’re thinking, who’s this old governor guy, and what’s he doing writing editorials in the newspaper? Heck, what’s a newspaper?! Amiright?! Srsly tho, I’ve got #election2014 coming up this year, and I wanted to be sure that all you ladies and germs in college know that you can come out and vote so long as

In Response To Declining Viewership, CNN To Reboot Highly-Rated War On Terror

Following the massively popular trend of remaking classic TV series and movies, CNN has announced plans to reboot the early 2000s ratings smash War On Terror. “Rebooting the popular shows of yesterday is big business right now,” CNN senior producer Susan Deforest said during the announcement’s press conference. “Look at 24, look at Heroes. This is what people want right now.” War On Terror, a

Alfalfa County, Oklahoma Residents Protesting New Stoplight Law, But You Won’t Hear About That on the News, Will You?

According to sources in Alfalfa County, Oklahoma, local residents have begun to protest the new local stoplight law, but with the liberal media yapping on about Venezuela and Ukraine it’s not like you’re ever going to hear about it anyhow. While good citizens like Ralph DelSignore and Margaret Tillman are simply fed up with the $15 increase in fines for running a red light,