Late Ernie Banks Reminds Cubs Fans of Own Inevitable Death Before Team Wins World Series

Banksy

CHICAGO, IL— Chicago Cubs fans were reportedly devastated by the news that longtime fan favorite and eternal optimist Ernie Banks had died over the weekend, reminding them not only of their own mortality, but also of the fact that they will most certainly die before ever seeing their beloved team win the World Series. “I

Weekend Fraternity Bender Causes $50,000 in Damages to Winter Pledges’ Trust Funds

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Gaylord, MI—Sources confirmed Wednesday that a weekend of “utter debauchery” involving a University fraternity has led to more than $50,000 in damages to the entire third floor of the Treetops Resort in northern Michigan, as well as the trust funds of the winter ’15 pledge class. “On behalf of Sigma Alpha Mu brothers around the

Obama Requests Incomplete On Middle East Assignment

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WASHINGTON D.C. – Only weeks away from the beginning of his last two years in office, United States President Barack Obama announced in a press conference Tuesday morning that he had decided to ask for an “incomplete” mark on that Middle-East project he had begun in 2009. “Look, I’ve done my best, and that’s what

‘Entourage’ Film to Explore Themes of Male Camaraderie, Pussy

Fans of the successful HBO series Entourage delighted recently as the first trailer for the upcoming film was released, giving audiences a teaser of what to expect. Continuing the rich subjects explored on television, the movie will examine the timeless themes of lifelong friendship and gratuitous, full frontal nudity. Critics and fans alike had much

Imagined Conversation in Man’s Head Takes Turn for Worse

EL PASO, TX – Sources confirmed Friday that what started out as a simple rehearsing of a potential conversation with a coworker, which was taking place entirely in the mind of AT&T sales associate Joss Goddard, soon became “very realistic, very fast.” “It started out smooth,” said Goddard, in reference to his daydream. “I just

American Medical Association Advises Ailing Nation to Try Fucking With Stiff Neck Bit More

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an effort to combat neck pain, one of the nation’s most pervasive work-related ailments, officials at the American Medical Association advised the nation’s more than 32 million sufferers this Thursday to try “fucking with it a bit more” and “see whether that helps at all.” “The standard approach to neck fatigue calls for

Supporting Character in Horror Flick Has Bright Idea for Group to Split Up, Cover More Ground

As a group of five life-long friends slowly crept through a decrepit and isolated cabin, sources confirmed Thursday, Ashley Prescott, a relatively minor character, acquired a sudden urge for them to “just all split up” and venture off in entirely different directions. “We should split up,” the blondest and most attractive member of the group

White House Normalizes Relations With Cuba After Running Out of Plantain Chips

According to sources out of the West Wing kitchen, President Obama felt it would be more feasible to lift the embargo on Cuban products than to try maneuvering D.C. traffic in order to buy more of his favorite plantain chips at the store. The overhaul of the decades long policy toward Cuba represents the stamping

Skrillex Admits to Playing World of Warcraft on Laptop During Shows

Skrillex

Famous electronic dance music producer Skrillex admitted Sunday to playing online game World of Warcraft while on stage performing his dubstep music. “It all started when my guild was doing a raid on the Temple of Ahn’Qiraj on the same night as my Lollapalooza headliner performance,” said Skrillex. “I didn’t want to let my friends

FDA Lifts Ban on Blood Donations from ‘Barely Gay’ Males

Giving Blood

Following pressure from civil rights groups around the nation, the FDA recently announced that they will begin allowing limited blood donations from sexually active, gay men, so long as the prospective donors are not “like, super gay.” FDA Deputy Commissioner Michael R. Taylor explained, “The FDA is committed to promoting equality, and with many objective

CIA Vows to Consider New, Less Fucked-Up Ways of Getting Rocks Off

LANGLEY, VA – Following a national controversy regarding the CIA’s use of torture on hundreds of federal detainees, the Agency announced yesterday that it would begin looking into a number of less harmful ways to satisfy its penchant for drugs, violence and notoriously perverse sexual fetishes. “The nation has spoken, and we’ve heard them loud

Doctor Impressed Patient Did Own Research Beforehand

Doctor like whattt

TOPEKA, KANSAS—General practitioner Kenneth Overton is reportedly impressed that one of his patients, 28 year old Mark Grisham, did a bit of research on his own before his annual physical. “Most of my patients just stumble in here blindly, totally lost without my authority as a doctor to guide them,” said Overton. “But not Mark.

Orphan Wistfully Contemplating What Stepparents Would Have Been Like

Citing a profound yearning for the tenuous love and strained affection that only stepparents can provide, 10-year-old Danny Hartis, who was orphaned by a car crash at the age of three, says he often wonders what it would have been like to grow up in a “normal” family with his real stepmom and stepdad. “Vacations,

Obama to Enhance College Affordability via Expansion of Pell Grants, Purchase of Two Cokes

In his recent address to the nation, President Obama announced his intent to make college more affordable via a three-part plan that increases funding for the Federal Pell Grant Program, ties financial aid to a college’s value, and cuts tuition in half via the purchase of two Coke cans at regular menu price. “Of course,

Area Mom Giving Dad Divorce Eyes from Across Table Again

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Citing her cold, penetrating stare and distant, joyless demeanor, neighborhood sources confirmed Tuesday that area mother Julia Fearon, 45, once again spent the better part of a family dinner treating her husband to the obvious look of contempt known colloquially as ‘divorce eyes.’ “It’s a hard look to miss,” said Tommy Fearon, age 10. “Whenever

Confused Terrorists Surprised to Find Themselves in Buddhist Hell

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THE LOWEST RING OF HELL– Two terrorists, Zaid Salim and Ibrahim Haddad, were surprised to find themselves stranded in the tundra of an unfathomably cold cave of Buddhist hell, moments after they fastened bombs to their chests and ran into a crowd of people. “Where are we?” Salim muttered through his incessantly chattering teeth. “This

Living Room Coffee Table Nowhere Near As Messy As It Could Be, Claims Laid-Back Housemate

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SOMEWHERE ON REENWOOD—Consensus slob and excuse-making housemate Taylor Socha asserted early last week that, despite an apparent mess of old food and wrappers, the coffee table in question was in no way suffering from serious overcrowding. “It’s like the coffee table is an extension of his room,” said fellow housemate Sarah McGown. “A ketchup-glooped, plate-stacked,

University Signs Slavic Languages Professor to Five Year, $52 Million Contract

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In what will go down as an historic signing, the University of Michigan’s College of Literature, Science and the Arts hired Professor Andrej Bulgakov to a five year, $52 million contract Friday to become the head of the Slavic Languages and Literatures Department. The landmark signing comes after a tumultuous three year span under Professor

Study Shows Red Wine May Improve Health of Friendships

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According to recent studies conducted by the FDA, red wine has been proven to increase the longevity of the average friendship, when consumed in copious amounts. The study, conducted in living rooms across the nation, found that for women ages 18-26, friendship pairs who consumed a minimum of two bottles of red wine per night

Viewpoint: Billiards Club, You are a Bunch of Fucking Pussies. If You Got a Beef With Us, Why Don’t You Just Do Something About It? That is, Before We Do

By the Michigan Foosball Club Hey assholes— in the table games community, word spreads pretty fast. A little birdy told us about how you guys have been going around and spreading lies about us and distorting the truth. Saying we spin our handles both ways? Not cool. You got a problem with us or something?

Hey Dumbass, the Tooth Fairy Isn’t Real

By Clive Newman of Mrs. Meyer’s 1st Grade Class You are such an effing dumbass. The Tooth Fairy isn’t real, you idiot. You still believe that crap? Do you wear diapers, too? You know, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy—that’s, that’s all very BS. Wait, you don’t know what BS means? It’s like… um…

From the E3W: The Time Has Come to Make Terrorism Illegal

By the Every Three Weekly Editorial Board Here at the Every Three Weekly, it has been our policy not to taint our coverage of the news with our own opinions. In our stories of awkward human interactions, goofy professors, or social irresponsibility, we let the facts speak for themselves regardless of our own personal agendas. However,

Desperate New York Knicks Holding Open Tryouts to Revamp Roster

With an historically bad record and injury depleted roster, the New York Knicks Organization has begun holding open tryouts for even their scrawniest, least athletic fans to display their talents and potentially improve the team. Fans are not only excited about the prospect of “suiting up” for their favorite team, but they also believe that

Ohio State Wins Distinction of Most Exploited Team in College Football

ARLINGTON, TX—Following Steven “Buckets” Burke, #2, shows off his speed. Reportedly a rare sight. their victory over the Oregon Ducks, the Ohio State Buckeyes not only won the National Championship, but also the title of most exploited athletes in the country. “[The NCAA] provides the best opportunities for academic, personal, and athletic growth to college

Super Bowl XLIX: U. of Phoenix Stadium Offers Rare Job Opportunity to Recent U. of Phoenix Grads

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As football fans from around the nation make their way to the University of Phoenix Stadium for Super Bowl XLIX, sources have confirmed that the Glendale, Arizona stadium is offering rare opportunities for temporary, unskilled labor to “those most in need of a job”: recent University of Phoenix graduates. “At University of Phoenix Stadium, we’ve

Freshman Unsure Whether Stats 250 Super Easy, or He Greatest Statistician of All Time

LSA freshman Ryan Sterling, now considering majoring in Statistics, said he never thought he’d do very well in Stats 250, but realized he had a talent after receiving an “A” grade on his first test of the course, despite a substantial lack of effort or preparation. “I always thought I was a normal kid,” said

Roommate Luxuriating in Total, Unmitigated Control of Thermostat While You’re Gone For Weekend

Researchers at the University of Iowa’s Institute for the Study of Human Co-occupancy announced Monday that the moment you left for the weekend, your roommate likely kicked up his heels, slipped on his drop-seat pajamas and proceeded to “positively revel” in a full forty-eight hours of absolute, undivided sovereignty over the thermostat. The study found

Study: Strong Correlation Between Asking Questions in Lecture, Not Receiving Enough Attention in Childhood

According to a study conducted by the University of Michigan Department of Psychology, students who frequently interrupt entire lecture halls to ask frivolous or irrelevant questions are much more likely to have been emotionally neglected by their parents as children. Dr. Maria Hernandez, head of the study, gaining an understanding of people who demand that

Professor Naively Assumes Students Have Friend in Class to Study With

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Seemingly oblivious to the looks of nervousness and reluctance on the faces of the lonely, reclusive co-eds in front of him, Earth Science Professor Eric Rama stated Tuesday that it was permissible, and in-fact encouraged, for students to work together on assignments, thereby naively assuming his students had or wanted any such friend to study

Experts Recommend Wearing Mittens to Protect Hands From Exposure to Flyers

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THE DIAG—As winter approaches, local meteorologists have begun to issue warnings about the importance of dressing appropriately for the season. Said Ann Arbor meteorologist Terence Warner, “In January, we can expect to see severe temperature drops, as well as a dramatic rise in start-of-semester showcases and winter concerts. The absolute best way to protect hands