Alzheimer’s Patients Outraged by Cuts in Research Funding, Cuts in Research Funding

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NOT TOO SURE WHERE I AM – Following the disappointing failure of several high-profile Alzheimer’s disease treatments in clinical trials, the world’s leading pharmaceutical companies announced plans to scale back their neuroscience research programs, drawing fire from dementia advocates and patients alike.

John Waterson, an Alzheimer’s activist who suffers from the disease himself, delivered the keynote address at a fundraising event organized by his assisted living facility. “Now is not the time to back away from dementia research,” said Waterson. “But it is about time for the milkman to be showing up. He must be running late. How strange. Toby is usually never late. He’s a good colored boy. Can someone turn on the shortwave? I suspect the Japs are at it again.”

Waterson then rediscovered his notes and began discussing health care once again, starting over from the beginning of his speech.

Other activists took to the streets. Alzheimer’s patient Gladys Spilman lead a group to picket outside of Pfizer headquarters in New York, demanding that the company “Believe in a Cure” and “Impeach Nixon.” Fortunately, the NYPD was able to disperse the protesters peacefully by informing the muumuu-wearing mob of a Matlock marathon airing on WGN.

“It’s capitalism, plain and simple,” said former Pfizer chemist Eric Kelan. “Pfizer lost $750 million on their last dementia drug. The shareholders started getting antsy, so the company had to refocus its efforts on more profitable treatments, like lowering cholesterol and giving geriatrics boners. Thanks to Pfizer, you can rest assured your mind will fail you long before your heart or your sex life does.”

Originally published: October 2012

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