70 Laser Wielding Robots Not Loose On North Campus

All is calm on North Campus today, as it is every day, because 70 laser wielding robots are, in fact, not loose upon North Campus. "Let us all hail this glorious day," said University President Lee Bollinger, "for it is yet another day when our engineers do not have to fear being slain by a berserk robot toting a 50 megawatt laser."

After reiterating that travelers to North Campus will ... Read more

Students Prepare for Violent Animated Japanese Pornography Festival

It was a good day for freakish goth-type people yesterday, as the Japanese Animation Society announced that its annual anime festival, Con Ja Nai, has been expanded to include a second screen. Organizers hope that the festival expansion allows more people to take in the wonder of Japanese pornography-animation.

Anime films are reputed to have higher quality than American animated featur ... Read more

Last Black Male Incarcerated

LOS ANGELES, CA-The nation's white, upper-middle class citizens breathed a sigh of relief yesterday when a Los Angeles jury convicted funnyman Bill Cosby of melanin possession in excess of two grams. Cosby, a famous doctor and father to Theo and Rudy Huxtable, was the last black male not imprisoned on felony possession charges.

When Congress passed a bill last May that added melanin, rh ... Read more

FOX Network Cancels 5 Emmy Nominated Shows as Season Enters Third Week

NEW YORK, NY-As expected, the FOX Television network announced today the cancellation of seven critically acclaimed and widely popular television shows as the fall season entered its third week.

"This is a typical move for FOX," said television analyst John Morrison. "The network traditionally abandons its wildly successful shows after five or six episodes have been aired. It seems to b ... Read more

SOLE Appalled by Kohl's Sweatshop Use, Low-Low Prices

Members of Students Organizing for Labor and Economic Equality (SOLE), undeterred by the recent arrests of ten of their brethren, protested outside of Kohl's department stores again yesterday. "I can't believe that a corporation in America could use such dreadful labor practices when there is an unprecedented economic boom right now," said SOLE member and LS&A freshman Kelly Sistine. "I also can't ... Read more

Superfan Kills Five

Tragedy struck Ann Arbor yesterday, as the Superfan went on a bloody tirade following a heartbreaking women's field hockey loss against rival Ohio State. Sophomore goalkeeper Jan Reynolds, junior defender Erica Barnes, referee Brad Anderson, and two fans were those fatally wounded in the fan's mad killing spree.

"He was riding that ref all game about the penalties he was calling," an an ... Read more