Al-Qaeda Funds Linked To UM Basketball Booster Ed Martin

Just weeks after the University announced self-imposed sanctions as a result of the Ed Martin scandal involving payments to former basketball players, it was revealed that Martin also loaned money to four members of Al-Qaeda.

This is a day of great shame for terrorism," said Osama bin Laden. "To show how sorry we are, we have announced several self-imposed sanctions. First, we shall rem ... Read more

Study: Still No Excuse for Violence Against Women Except Doing Research to Test Validity of Excuses for Violence Against Women

AUSTIN, TX - A recently completed study from the University of Texas has indicated that there are still very few decent excuses for violence against women, though there is still a need for further research into the issue.

"It's quite obvious from the data that there are just about no excusable, justifiable reasons that one might use to explain hitting a woman," said Professor Albert Hig ... Read more

Human Torch Comes Out of the Closet

NEW YORK CITY - In a shock to the comic book community, the Human Torch, member of the Fantastic Four and superhero, announced his homosexuality today at a Gay Pride Rally. This is a boon for the gay community as he is the first flame-wielding superhero to publicly make such an announcement. Many members of the rally were ecstatic at the Human Torch's announcement. Comic book sales increased drama ... Read more

Proposal for J.Lo-Affleck Proposal Narrowly Defeated in Recount

NEW YORK CITY - After two weeks of re-tallying, the controversial Proposal 3, whether Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck should marry next month, officially named "J.Lo Loves Bennie, Please?" was narrowly defeated in both Massachusetts and New York State.

Ms. Lopez spoke about the disappointing defeat of Proposal 3 in a recent interview with Katie Couric. "Bennie's the bestest boyfriend eve ... Read more

Flirtatious Terrorist Strikes Ann Arbor

According to junior and self-proclaimed terrorism expert Jerry Borkowski, the U.S. faced another terrorist attack Tuesday, when sophomore Betsy Smith refused to date Borkowski in spite of several weeks of flirting, phone calls, and perverse day dreaming. Borkowski argued this signifies a new shift in Al-Qaeda terrorism, as he sought to prove that Smith's actions could only be the result of an alle ... Read more

Staff of English Department Fired, Replaced with Oprah

LSA administrators announced a major change to the English department this week as the entire staff was fired and replaced by Oprah Winfrey. The move came as a shock to the English staff, a group of otherwise unemployable graduates who challenge the uselessness of the psychology and communications departments combined.

The decision to hire Winfrey came upon the heels of the realization ... Read more