Daily Proves Existence Of Black Holes

The Michigan Daily has picked up where Nobel Prize winner Martinus Veltman left off in the world of physics, announcing yesterday that the utter stupidity of its editorial page has created an intellectual vacuum so intense that nothing, not even abstract thought, can escape.
[Black hole sucking in the Michigan Daily]

The resulting phenomenon is being called a Buchanan/Rodham-Clin ... Read more

Despite Best Efforts, Noted Feminist Still Really Hot

Ann Allred is frustrated. She is frustrated with her gorgeous eyes, slim, shapely legs, perfect figure, and firm, perky breasts. "I've just about had it with my body," she says, "especially my firm, perky breasts. But it's not my fault I'm amazingly beautiful."

Allred is struggling to advance in the National Organization of Women's (NOW) upper echelons, and she says it is because of her ... Read more

NTSB Releases 990 Crash Findings

Early this morning, Jim Hall, Chairman of the National Transportation Safety Board, released his preliminary report about the nature of the EgyptAir flight 990 crash to an eager press gallery. The controversial report blames a mysterious physical force for the latest aviation disaster.

"Recent analysis of radar data reveal that Flight 990 started to climb after dropping 17,000 feet in a ... Read more

U.S. Takes Big RISK

In a shocking announcement yesterday, President Bill Clinton confirmed a long rumored total mothballing of the U.S. military. Continuing a trend of defense budget cuts and decreased military spending, President Clinton plans to replace all military personnel with giant life-sized game pieces from the popular and classic board game RISK.

"I think it's a complete waste of resources to mai ... Read more

IFC Announces Creation of Root Rho Tau

Last night students on North Campus heard a different tune emanating from the Lurie Bell Tower-a louder, hipper tune. The frat scene had finally arrived on North Campus, to the delight of its residents.

"This is truly wonderful," stated Rohith Reddy, engineering liason to the University's Interfraternity Council, at the festivities celebrating the council's acceptance of the new fratern ... Read more

Housing to Offer "Free Substance" Dorms

In a stunning policy about-face, the Residence Halls Association announced today that the unpopular "Substance Free" housing option will be phased out. Instead, students will be allowed to choose "Free Substance" halls starting in Fall of 2000.

"We think that this is a much more realistic system," said RHA Director Winston Olivier, "we just couldn't find enough socially backwards lepers ... Read more