U Heeds MSA Request

Students headed for North Campus today were pleasantly surprised to discover that the University assembled a $3 billion monorail system from 2 - 2:30 AM last night. The monorail, which has routes to places as diverse as North Campus, Michigan Stadium, and Epcot Center, was requested by MSA a few weeks ago.

"Actually, we just said the University should install signs at every bus stop tha ... Read more

"What Would Judas Do" Apparel A Big Hit

Satan, like denim, has been around forever, and, like denim, Satan is making a big comeback in the fashion world. Ample evidence was on hand in New York last Friday, when Satanstyles, Inc. put on its annual Fall show.

"The Accuser hasn't been this cool since Judas Priest was big," said sassy E! fashion critic Wendell Holmes. "Evil hasn't been chic since the mid-80s, but now the retro ap ... Read more

Congress Orders Moratorium on Blair Witch Parodies

In an emergency meeting of Congress last Friday, Congress passed a bill making the act of parodying the recent hit horror movie The Blair Witch Project illegal.

"Swift, severe action was absolutely necessary," stated California senator Dianne Feinstein. "When this cultural phenomenon swept through the nation during the summer, it seemed harmless enough. I myself saw the film and thought ... Read more

Elliot Ness Exhumed, Brought Out of Retirement by AAPD

In a move designed to crack down on underage drinking, the Ann Arbor Police Department disinterred the body of former Prohibition enforcer and Untouchable Elliot Ness last night. After reanimating the body in a dark necromantic ritual, they offered the zombiefied corpse of Ness a position at the head of the newly formed Ann Arbor Vice Squad.

Said Samantha Tucker, head of the AAPD's Unde ... Read more