Cantor Sues Lettuce, Diet Coke

George Cantor, fresh off of suing loft makers, has expanded his ever-widening web of lawsuits against anything conceivably responsible for the death of his daughter Courtney. This time his targets are lettuce and Diet Coke, products which he claims made his daughter thin enough to fit through the narrow Markley windows.

The lawsuits follow extensive testing of the falling-through-window ... Read more

Colombia Selects Next President to Assassinate

BOGOTA, COLOMBIA - Colombian politician Juan Gomez, a seemingly happy man, won the presidency of his country last night by a mere 10,000 votes. By winning the tightest race in the South American country's history, Gomez will also be honored as the first president of Columbia to be assassinated in the new millennium.
[Cross Hair of a gun.]

Colombia has been embroiled in a 35-year- ... Read more

Native Americans Await Support from Pat Buchanan

PINE RIDGE, SD- American Indian leaders from across the continent are eagerly awaiting a pronouncement of support from Presidential Reform Party candidate Pat Buchanan, a strong opponent of immigration and defender of Americans' rights.

Though Buchanan has not met with any Native American leaders in his campaign, or formally recognized their existence, many indigenous people are sure th ... Read more

Black Man Thinks He Might Be Next President

[Editor's Note: This is highly unusual, but this article is, um, special. As you read it, remember that this is a satire paper and that we often mean the exact opposite of what we say. Like Jonathan Swift or something. Here's a hint: you shouldn't get really mad at this article unless you're a Republican.]

MANCHESTER, NEW HAMPSHIRE-Amid all of the press, political insiders, and i ... Read more

SWE Creates Perpetual Emotion Machine

Much to the chagrin of heterosexual men with reasonable intelligence, the University of Michigan's Society of Women Engineers (SWE) has perfected of their latest diabolical creation: the long-sought "perpetual emotion" machine.

"Men have lived in constant fear of the emotional stranglehold women have upon them," stated a violently excited Consuela Orojo, the project leader of Never Stop ... Read more