European Union Standardizes Ethnic Slurs

LUXEMBOURG --Today's meeting of European Union Representatives brought the multi-national organization one step closer to establishing a single standardized ethnic slur that may apply to citizens of all member-nations. Theoretically, such a word would solidify political bonds within the Union, allow tourists to traverse the continent without exchanging ethnic slurs at every border, and help Europe ... Read more

Muslim Leaders to Osama: Shut Up

Asad Tarsin, president of the Muslim Student Association announced last week that he and the rest of his organization really wish that al Qaeda terrorist Osama bin Laden would stop saying "Praise Allah," after mention of the destruction he caused, further distorting the perceptions many Americans may have of Islam.

"Following the events of September 11th some Americans who weren't too ... Read more

Rumsfeld Declares War on Mountains, Ground

WASHINGTON-- In the face of the tragic deaths of several American servicemen in aircraft crashes, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced today that the Army would be shifting its war effort towards a new enemy. Early this morning, orders were issued for bombing to begin on several mountains and stretches of open ground in Afghanistan and Pakistan that are responsible for the most recent Am ... Read more

Local Parents Come to Terms with Child's Pedophilia

Scandal rocked the family of 11-year-old Scooter Thomas last week, when the parents of Ashley Wilson brought allegations that Scooter had engaged in pedophilic activity with their 12-year-old daughter.

Babs Wilson, Ashley's mother, gave a statement outside their Barton Hills home.

"Ashley came home from Scooter's house," Wilson said between sobs. "She told me that they had ... Read more

Pretension Epidemic Sweeps Campus

ANN ARBOR, MI -- Only three weeks into the new semester, the administration has confirmed reports of widespread pretension among all levels of education on the University of Michigan's campus, from first year to master's students, from BA's to PhD's, from the whirling centrifuges of the Biochemistry department to the charming Lincoln Log structures of Sociology students.

Even University ... Read more

Second Grade Teacher Accused of Grade Inflation

Last Thursday, the Ann Arbor School District administrative board reprimanded Angell Elementary School teacher Jane Parks for the top-heavy grading curve on her students' fall report cards.

"We set rigorous standards, designed to foster consistently high levels of performance," said Angell principal Dick Stives. "Students have always worked hard at Angell Elementary, because they know t ... Read more