New Starbucks in Cava Java Announced

Citing increasing demand for coffee and record growth, Starbucks Coffee International announced plans for a fourth Starbucks in the Ann Arbor area. This will be the third new Starbucks constructed on campus within the last two years.

Experts cite a steady rise in campus pretentiousness as reason for the continued expansion. "Oh yeah definitely," stated pseudo-alternative Cava Java regul ... Read more

Local Parents Come to Terms with Child's Pedophilia

Scandal rocked the family of 11-year-old Scooter Thomas last week, when the parents of Ashley Wilson brought allegations that Scooter had engaged in pedophilic activity with their 12-year-old daughter.

Babs Wilson, Ashley's mother, gave a statement outside their Barton Hills home.

"Ashley came home from Scooter's house," Wilson said between sobs. "She told me that they had ... Read more

UM Issues Mass Recall of Defective Graduates

ANN ARBOR, MI -- In compliance with FTC regulations, the University of Michigan has announced a massive recall of students from the classes of 1997 through 2001 who failed in their time at UM to obtain the fundamental academic, social, athletic or hygienic skills that should be assumed of any college graduate.

"There's no immediate danger to people who know these graduates; this is simp ... Read more

Pretension Epidemic Sweeps Campus

ANN ARBOR, MI -- Only three weeks into the new semester, the administration has confirmed reports of widespread pretension among all levels of education on the University of Michigan's campus, from first year to master's students, from BA's to PhD's, from the whirling centrifuges of the Biochemistry department to the charming Lincoln Log structures of Sociology students.

Even University ... Read more

Economy On Rebound, Doesn't Want To Rush Into Relationship

On Tuesday, the Economy announced she is taking a break after ending her on-again/offagain relationship with Recession. Economy broke up with Recession in January, after she experienced a 0.2 percent rate of growth, while Recession had stayed where he was.

"I just had this epiphany," Economy said. "Recession seemed fun and exciting in the beginning. He wanted me to simplify and lay off ... Read more