Law Student Leaves for Pro Ranks Early

Competitive classmates gave a collective sigh of relief last Monday when Michael "The Brief" Rubinwicz declared that he would forgo his final year of law school at the University of Michigan to enter the workforce this fall.

During a press conference held Monday outside his favorite cubicle at the Shapiro Graduate Library, Rubinwicz, a second-year law student, made his anno ... Read more

Engineering Students Occupy Dorm Room

President Bollinger's already awful semester took a turn for the worse yesterday as University officials announced that two engineering students, freshmen Frank Kinder and Jason Weimer, have been occupying their Bursley Residence Hall dorm room for 4 days and counting.

"Don't these people have any classes?" asked President Bollinger. "We've got yet another thing occupied. S ... Read more

Indonesian Factory Celebrates Meaningless SOLE Victory

KUALA LUMPUR, INDONESIA-A spontaneous cheer erupted from the plant floor of the Nayakama Nike factory yesterday when news of the University of Michigan's entrance into the Worker's Rights Consortium (WRC) finally arrived on Indonesian soil. The cheer was immediately interrupted by the cracking of whips and the cries of the wounded, however, as the celebratory mood was quickly squashed by the c ... Read more

Michigamua Office To Be Converted Into Big Chief Win-Um Casino

ANN ARBOR-The SCC, after occupying Michigamua's office for almost a month, has finally reached an agreement with the secret society regarding the seventh floor of the Union. The space will be converted into the "Big Chief Win-Um Casino" to honor the life and culture of previous generations of Native Americans. Half of the casino proceeds will fund the SCC's next pointless occupation, while the ... Read more