Kenyans Win 3rd Straight Naked Mile

ANN ARBOR, MI-The unfamiliar atmosphere of drunkenness and nudity proved to be no obstacle for Kenyan miler Mamadou Ndungu at the annual University of Michigan Naked Mile on Friday. Ndungu, whose countrymen have dominated the event each of the past three years, won the race and set a new course record of 3 minutes, 37 seconds, and 11 shots of vodka. Although Ndungo committed a slight breach of ... Read more

Feminist Fair Goes Balls Out

It's that time of year again. Yes, the spring air has melted the winter snow, the Diag is filled with people, and Feminist Fair is just around the corner. Except there's something different about the Fair this year, something long, hard, and full of seamen.

"It's the Submarine of Feminism!" exclaimed event coordinator Sheila Goodman. "We needed something to really get peopl ... Read more

Congress Votes to Protect American Flag, American Beauty

WASHINGTON, DC-The House of Representatives, voting mainly along party lines, passed a pair of constitutional amendments today that are designed to protect hallowed institutions of the country. The first would make it illegal to desecrate the American flag, while the second would make it punishable by law to desecrate the Oscar-winning film American Beauty.

The propos ... Read more

Ford Introduces New Excrement SUV

DETROIT, MI-Ford Motor Company announced yesterday that it will begin construction of what it calls "the best summer-fun truck yet," the Excrement. The new truck, which will be the largest ever built, continues the line Ford began with the Explorer, the Expedition, and the Excursion. Ford plans to begin selling Excrements in early June.

The Excrement-continuing Ford's quest ... Read more

Vampires Hold First Annual Stake Back the Night Rally

Inspired by Ann Arbor's annual "Take Back The Night" rally for women's rights, dozens of local vampires took to the streets yesterday in the first annual "Stake Back The Night" rally. The rally is designed to foster acceptance of vampirism and draw attention to the plight of the modern vampire.

"Vampires are people too," said Ann Arbor resident and marcher Ann Cartera. "Or, ... Read more

Eighteen Bicycle Pileup on Diag

ANN ARBOR-In an event that can only be described as easily predictable, eighteen ultrasonic, unstoppable student cyclists collided on the Diag yesterday afternoon, causing extensive property damage, serious injuries and general discontentment but, strangely, no neurological damage.

"I don't know what happened," said LSA sophomore Becky Carter, one of the cyclists involved in ... Read more