Lee Bollinger Joins Ranks of Harvard Rejectees on Campus
ANN ARBOR, MI-In one of the most defensive and watery-eyed press conferences of his tenure at the University of Michigan, President Lee C. Bollinger vainly attempted to convince friends, family and reporters today that he was not disappointed at missing the final cut in Harvard's search for a new president.Wiping his brow repeatedly, Bollinger insisted that he had not really been tempt ... Read more
10 Die in British Riot Following Charity Football Match
LONDON, ENGLAND-The BBC reported this morning that 10 people are confirmed dead and 23 victims are still in critical condition after riots broke out at approximately 9:34 pm GMT yesterday following a charity football (soccer) game at Wembly Stadium.The event, which featured the Tottenham Hotspurs facing an array of British celebrities including Anthony Hopkins, Hugh Grant, and Michael ... Read more
Punxsutawney Phil Drug Test Positive; Spring Prediction in Question
UNXSUTAWNEY, PHILADELPHIA-The small town of Punxsutawney, famous for its famed rodent weatherman Puxsutawney Phil, will never be the same again, as preliminary blood tests of Phil taken yesterday revealed significant levels of various illegal substances in his bloodstream, including Heroin, LSD, and "grass". Punxsutawnians requested the tests shortly after Groundhog's Day two weeks ago, when they ... Read more
Ethnic Group Seeks Offense From E3W
ANN ARBOR-International students from the small, extraordinarily obscure Northeastern European country of Grantisklavia joined in protest against the Every Three Weekly yesterday outside the Michigan Union. They claim that the paper has a very narrow-minded view of which ethnic groups and student organizations it offends, never branching out into more uncharted territory. Like them, for example. " ... Read more
Plan That Seemed "Crazy Enough to Work" Does
WASHINGTON, D.C.-The Bush administration team and Republican pundits celebrated last week after John Ashcroft, George W. Bush's controversial nominee for Attorney General, was confirmed 58-42 by the Senate. The nomination, a plan dubbed "crazy enough to work" by Bush, is a major victory for Republicans.Sources within the Bush camp have leaked a revealing presidential memo which, strang ... Read more
