Robert Downey Jr. Awarded Darryl Strawberry Sobriety Award
HOLLYWOOD, CA-Drug-addict and occasional Hollywood actor, Robert Downey Jr. was awarded the third annual Darryl Strawberry award for sobriety and social awareness at a small ceremony outside of Mann's Chinese Theatre. Downey, who was not released from the Santa Monica county jail to accept the award, announced through his agent/parole officer that, "I'd been jonesing for an award fix for some time ... Read more
David Arquette "Shocked" at American Comedy Awards Snub
Funnyman David Arquette was stunned to learn last week that he had been completely ignored by the American Comedy Awards, the highest honors to be bestowed upon comedians.[An overly optimistic Arquette anticipates the awards show]
An overly optimistic Arquette anticipates the awards show
"It's simply baffling," Arquette said following the show, which aired Thursday night on ... Read more
Ralph Williams Named UM Basketball Coach
Yesterday, nearly a month after the long-overdue dismissal of men's basketball head coach Brian Ellerbe and two weeks after NCAA legend Rick Pitino snubbed Michigan in favor of Louisville, Athletic Director Bill Martin announced the surprise appointment of popular UM professor Ralph Williams as head coach of the team."The man's taught in every other department-English, Religion, Italia ... Read more
Four Shocked By Latest School Shooting
CALIFORNIA-Four Americans were shocked last week after learning that a disgruntled student attacked his California high school, shooting two of his classmates. While most of America shrugged and went on with their day after hearing of the renewal of the new 'American Pastime,' the incident still managed to surprise some of the dumb and elderly."It just doesn't make any sense," said con ... Read more
Worldcom Agrees to Purchase Burger King
NEW YORK, NEW YORK-Wall Street was once again sent into turmoil last week following the news that communications giant Worldcom has agreed to purchase a portion of the Burger King Corporation. The deal, worth an estimated one hundred and sixty dollars, makes the new corporate juggernaut the third largest long distance-providing, your-way-making partnership in the United States.Worldcom ... Read more
Future-Predicting Monkey Just Wants to Eat Bananas
SAN DIEGO, CA-Keepers at the San Diego Zoo were amazed last week when they discovered that one of their monkeys has the uncanny ability to predict future events. However, the monkey, who has been assigned a variety of nicknames from "Monkdini" to "Clairvoyant George" to "Monkey Dionne Warwick," seems reluctant to embrace his newfound celebrity. He has so far resisted attempts to push him into the ... Read more
UM Dropout "Can Relate" to Henson's Decision
ANN ARBOR, MI-Former SNRE student Jason Ostrowski announced yesterday that he feels a special kinship with Drew Henson after the star quarterback's surprise decision to leave school early to pursue his professional baseball career."I feel like I'm in a unique position to know where Drew is coming from, " Ostrowski said between bong hits. "Or, you know, where he is, man. Not necessarily ... Read more
Monkeys Rule, Women Suck!
In a recently completed study, University scientists discovered that, while women are very, very sucky, monkeys rule hardcore."Women totally suck," said portly tenth-year engineer Ricardo Williams, one of the researchers. "And I do not say this out of some otherworldly desire to court and win the heart of hunky John Stamos, for I am far too busy constructing ridiculous things and readi ... Read more
Writer's Block Solved By Anger Towards Women, Hilarious Monkeys
Intrepid Every Three Weekly staffer Rich Cantley reported that he had overcome a "heinous" case of writer's block yesterday by relying on the twin foundations of E3W humor-the suckiness of women and the hilarity of monkeys.Cantley had been stuck for hours attempting to come up with a clever, original premise when inspiration struck. Instead of coming up with something worthwhile, he wo ... Read more
