Student Declares Roommates Axis of Evil

"State of the Apartment Address" gets cold reception

ANN ARBOR, MI--In a speech that his roommates had not been highly anticipating, Joseph Connell delivered his first State of the Apartment Address since his move into 1327 Geddes Apt. 6 last September. While much of his speech was controversial, perhaps most striking was Connell's labeling of his roommates as an "Axis of Evil," wh ... Read more

Three Die in Candlelight Vigil

ANN ARBOR, MI-- A solemn air pervaded Ann Arbor this morning as students attempted to attend classes as normal in the aftermath the freak candle- lit tragedy of nearly a week ago. Elegiac signs and boquets of fresh flowers still adorn the steps of the graduate library, commemorating the lives of three students killed in the worst vigil accident in the history of the University.

Economy On Rebound, Doesn't Want To Rush Into Relationship

On Tuesday, the Economy announced she is taking a break after ending her on-again/offagain relationship with Recession. Economy broke up with Recession in January, after she experienced a 0.2 percent rate of growth, while Recession had stayed where he was.

"I just had this epiphany," Economy said. "Recession seemed fun and exciting in the beginning. He wanted me to simplify ... Read more

Enron Executives Found To Be Real Victims of Enron Scandal

HOUSTON, TX--Enron executives who once lived in real world versions of the Barbie Dream House may soon be forced to settle for less prestigious Skipper Aloha Summer Fun Mansions in the wake of the company's financial ruin. Though the Enron collapse has impoverished thousands of middle-class workers, the true costs of the scandal are only now becoming known. High-level executives at Enron, in be ... Read more

The Guy Hovering Over Me At The Computer Lab, Waiting For Me To Leave, Is An asshole

According to a recent survey of students who are me, 100% of all people standing on top of me at the computer lab while I am trying to work are in fact giant assholes. Studies also show that they can wait their fucking turn, like I did when I came in and the place was full.

"I hate that guy," said me. "He thinks if he annoys me enough he can get rid of me? Well, I'm not goin ... Read more