Columbia University Explodes

University of Michigan students were startled by news that Columbia, the university led by recently departed Lee Bollinger, recently exploded upon re-entry from orbit. Many students who once lamented the loss of a skilled administrator such as Bollinger have begun to rejoice in Michigan's good fortune in ridding itself of a leader who would launch an entire college into outer space.

LeBron James Awarded 8 Million Shoe Contract for Being Good Student

AKRON, OH ? Only weeks after successfully lobbying to have his amateur status reinstated, high school academic phenom LeBron James officially renounced such status by signing a 5-year, 8 million shoe and apparel contract with Nike, said to be given in light of his outstanding academic achievements at St. Vincent-St. Mary High School.

"I can't express how thrilled we are to h ... Read more

UN Inspectors Uncover Iraq's Secret Weapon: A Broom Handle with Nails Sticking All Up Out Of It

NEW YORK -- In a Tuesday press conference, the UN announced that its weapons inspectors have found and isolated Iraq's most sinister weapon yet: a broom handle with nails sticking all up out of it.

"The weapon is about four feet in length," said chief weapons inspector Hans Blix, "and the hardwood shaft is embedded with twelve iron nails, which can only be described as 'sti ... Read more

Students Stunned by Cabbage Attack

Giant Walking Vegetable Was "Just Like Anyone Else," Say Friends

Students returned to South Quad yesterday only to be shocked by a grisly murder scene in Taylor Hall. Police reports indicate that a giant walking cabbage turned on LS and amp,A sophomore Reginald Carter, suffocating him with his outermost cabbage leaves before rolling down the hall and out the window.