Army of One Fails to Conquer Iraq
BIG DESERT, IRAQ--The United States was dealt a humiliating blow today when its sophisticated "Army of One"--Private First Class John Wintergreen of Lima, Ohio--was utterly destroyed by Iraq's low-tech "Army of Forty or Fifty Thousand."
Analysts attribute the defeat to Wintergreen's inability to bring the U.S.'s massive technological superiority to bear. Wintergreen was iss ... Read more
US Raises North Korean Threat Designation to Cute
WASHINGTON, D.C.-- In response to increasingly belligerent actions by North Korea, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge raised the North Korean threat designation to "Cute" from "Stupendously Cuddly" Thursday. The move ratchets up tensions between North Korea and the U.S. to their highest levels since the Korean War, when the threat was designated "Disagreeable, but Surprisingly Huggable." Read more
Books Not Bombs Motto Leads to Development of Explosive Literature
The State Department announced Wednesday that they plan to deploy a tactical reconnaissance unit to Ann Arbor in the coming days. The goal of the team will be to investigate and possibly purchase the prototype explosive book advocated this week by Anti-War Action!, the campus group responsible for organizing the "Books Not Bombs" studen ... Read more
DPS Attributes Sexual Assault to Presence of Vagina
Victim "Could Have Sworn It Was Left at Home"
(Editor's note: It's okay. This story was written by a woman, which means we're allowed to print it. That's the rule. Just like I'm allowed to call white people "cracker-ass bitches." I never actually do this, but people do it to me all the time.)
The recent second-degree sexual assault of a U-M student may se ... Read more
France Vetoes Proposed Fight Between The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin
NEW YORK - World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc., suffered a severe blow to the lineup of its upcoming Wrestlemania XIX pay-per-view when France vetoed the high-profile bout between feuding superstars The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin on Tuesday. The French cited the necessity to continue talks between the two wrestling superstars to avoid a potentially bloody confrontation, and suggested medi ... Read more
Bush and Hussein Make Art, Then War
After receiving several extremely helpful suggestions to make art, not war, U.S. President George W. Bush and Iraqi President Saddam Hussein decided to try to set aside their differences and joined Mrs. Lippy's second grade class during craft time yesterday to make Popsicle stick houses.
Hopes were high that the making of said art would avoid the catastrophes of war, but th ... Read more
I've Decided This Whole War Question by Siding with the Country That Allows Sex with My Stepmother's Leather Recliner
The countdown to war has begun, but many in this country are still undecided on the Fight-With-Iraq question. As the point of no return approaches, it is essential that the citizens of this country unite around a position and stick to it, so our leaders can act decisively to carry out our will. It's with this in mind that I'm throwing my support firmly behind the group that will allow sexual in ... Read more
