Americans Scrounge for Significance in Fleeting Inconvenience

Rising like a phoenix from the ashes of brief nuisance, the student body of the University of Michigan refuses to go gentle into that earlier-than-usual night. After only four weeks of therapeutic soul-searching, the resilient students have not only repaired their ambiguously altered lives, but have flourished in a new, barely discernible reality. Students from diverse backgrounds have joined toge ... Read more

North Campus Officially Renamed "Butt-Fucking Egypt"

The U of M Board of Regents announced Tuesday that North Campus will be officially renamed "Butt-Fucking Egypt." The board decided on the name after rejecting several suggested alternatives, including "Experience Life at EMU," "No Sex and the City" and "Nizzle Campizzle."

"We felt that the old name didn't reflect the reality of the location," said University President Mary Sue Coleman. ... Read more

Blackout Leads to 28 Hours of Excruciating Family Time

TROY, MI- As a result of the biggest blackout in US history, which left 50 million people across the country in the dark, the Conway family was forced to endure 28 excruciating hours of family time.

Mark, 13, son of Ron and Margaret Conway, described the experience of extended exposure to his family as "pure torture." "I had no Vice City, no Doom, and no Diablo for a whole night," remem ... Read more

Sorority Girls Convert To Judaism at Shockingly High Rates as Yom Kippur Approaches

A recent survey revealed a dramatic increase in sorority girls observing the traditions of Judaism in preparation for Yom Kippur on October 6th. In an interview with the E3W sorority member Leslie Smith of Delta Lamda Gamma had nothing but good things to say about the upcoming Jewish holiday. "I find the Jewish holidays to be so much better than Christian ones," she said. "Santa Claus, the Easter ... Read more