MARS ROVERS MAKE GREATEST DISCOVERY OF ALL: SWEET ROBOT LOVING

At a press conference this week, NASA program director Dr. Bill Swerny announced an untimely end to the previously successful exploration of Mars by planetary rovers.

"We sent both Sprit and Opportunity to a rocky outcropping near Olympus Mons to do some soil tests," said Swerny, "and may God have the mercy to blot what happened next from my memory." After taking a moment to compose him ... Read more

MTV Shelves 'Rock The Vote' Campaign; Opts For New 'Pimp My Nation' Program

Following the success of the season's hottest new show, Pimp My Ride, MTV has announced plans to drop their long-running Rock the Vote campaign and replace it with a youthful, updated political program entitled Pimp My Nation.

"We're really trying to bring the nation's young adults out of apathy and into the political realm," said MTV programming president Buster Kensington. "We think a ... Read more

New Campaign Ads Feature Bush Saving People From Twin Towers

Washington, D.C.--With a heated election season already underway, the Bush-Cheney campaign has released new TV ads to be broadcast in key battleground states. Outlining Bush's goals for the country, the ads also feature clips of the President saving people from the World Trade Center on September 11th.

Meant to highlight the President's heroic actions of that day, the commercials show ... Read more

Terry McNichols "Okay"

McAlester, OK-After being presented with two radically different opinions of accused Oklahoma City bombing conspirator Terry Nichols, jurors have unanimously agreed that Nichols is "a pretty okay guy."

"We couldn't decide what to think," said the head juror, who delivered the shocking acquittal.

"We just decided to compromise."

Nichols and Timothy McVeigh, who wa ... Read more

Wolverine Access To Recieve Another Facelift

Following the successes of the debut of the new Wolverine Access t in February, U of M Administrative Information Services president Mark Boneski unveiled a new series of changes to the popular website.

"We're going to have some cosmetic changes to make the whole experience more visually appealing," said Boneski. Tapping his splintered, aged fingernail vigorously on his computer screen, ... Read more