General Election Cancelled

At a joint press conference last Tuesday, President George Bush and Democratic Presidential Nominee John Kerry announced they would forego the traditional method of choosing a new president by public elections in favor of a winner-take-all game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. According to sources within the Bush administration, the President began working on the plan immediately after taking office in 20 ... Read more

Jesus Tries to Let Jews Down Gently

The fate of Jews for Jesus, an apostolic Judaic sect and glaring oxymoron, hangs in the balance after a confrontation between leaders of the controversial group and their reluctant deity, Jesus. Taking time out of His busy schedule of answering prayers and phoning Mel Gibson, Jesus met with representatives of Jews for Jesus to clarify the terms of their tenuous relationship.

Eyewitnesse ... Read more

More Storms Threaten to Ass-Rape Florida

MIAMI, FL- After suffering through Hurricanes Charley, Frances, and Ivan, residents of Florida and neighboring states are wondering whether or not the hectic 2004 Hurricane season will offer more than a two week respite. This weekend, the National Weather Service released a report confirming that more storms are on their way, and that Florida and its surrounding region can still look forward to so ... Read more

"It's You, Michigan Gay Lumberjacks" Campaign Met with Disappointment

Attempting to capitalize on the overwhelming success of the recent "It's You, Michigan Greeks" campaign, the Michigan Gay Lumberjacks Association (MGLA) came out with its own pompously catchy slogan last week. So far, the "It's You, Michigan Gay Lumberjacks" has been a painful disappointment of Hughley Show caliber.

"We saw the success those slutty bitches had," said MGLA President Carl ... Read more

Freshmen Yet to Realize Everyone Is Making Fun of Them

Sources reported Tuesday that, while most freshmen classes realize that every other person, animal, and plant within a three-mile radius of Markley hates them with a fiery passion and wishes they were dead during the first few weeks of school, the class of '08 has yet to catch on.

"Everyone is so nice here!" said Freshman Mackenzie Robertson, resident of 5324 Blagdon House. "This weeken ... Read more