Inteflex Student's Head Explodes

ANN ARBOR, MI-Third-year Inteflex student Samuel Chung's head exploded early Thursday morning as he was walking home from the Graduate library. A hurried autopsy confirmed the horrific truth: Chung's head exploded because his internal stress had exceeded his skull's tension limits.

Patrick Nicholls, Chung's next door neighbor, was shocked to learn the news. "You mean someone lives in th ... Read more

Lipton Brisk Ice Tea Named Official Kosovo Beverage

NOSTRIVICH, Kosovo-At a press conference held yesterday in the decimated village of Nostrivich, located just outside of the war-torn region of Kosovo, PepsiCo president Jon Anderson announced his company had been named the official beverage of the Kosovo crisis. "We're really excited," stated Anderson, having purchased the sponsorship by bartering rags to be worn as clothing, spoiled food to be gi ... Read more

Supreme Court Finds Merit-Based Admissions Unconstitutional

WASHINGTON, DC-Late last night the Supreme Court ruled (6-3) that the merit-based admissions standards at the University of Michigan are both "unfair and unconsti-tutional."

Pressured by two lawsuits pending against the University's Law and LS&A schools, Michigan rescinded its affirmative action-compliant admissions process in late 1998 in favor of one that was completely merit-based an ... Read more

Blast of Freshness Kills 16, Injures 19

CHICAGO, IL-At approximately 3:39 a.m. on Sunday morning, an unbelievably powerful blast approximated at 68 tons of refreshment tore through the side of the Edward C. Davidson Federal Building in downtown Chicago. "Why? Why, God, why?" hundreds of state employees implored as they were being helped out by emergency personnel, "Why? Why, God, why?" hundreds of state employees implored as they were b ... Read more

Man Excited About "Friendship," Doesn't Recognize Dump Line

ANN ARBOR, MI-Late last week nuclear engineering senior Jason Paxon was excited to hear that his relationship with biology student Kelly Thomas would be 'strictly friendship.' "I guess initially I was sorta disappointed," stated the homely 20 year-old virgin, "I mean, sure I wanted a girlfriend, but she just wanted to be friends and I don't have too many friends so I guess we could be friends. I'm ... Read more

EPA Shuts down Catherine, Lawrence Streets After Rippin' Party

ANN ARBOR, MI-Students returning to their homes on Catherine and Lawrence Streets were shocked to find that the EPA had cordoned the area off and declared it a Superfund cleanup site after a totally rippin' party at 712 Lawrence that contaminated the entire block with radiation.

"Dudes, we're really sorry about the nuclear pollution and shit," explained 712 Lawrence resident Tony Robeso ... Read more