Traditional "Welcome To America" Pee Misconstrued

ANN ARBOR, MI--Last month, a male University of Michigan student was arrested for urinating off of his balcony onto an Asian couple walking below. The incident sparked a firestorm of heated debate over whether or not the student's actions were racially motivated. According to witnesses, however, the student in question was merely honoring the passing couple with the traditional "Welcome to America ... Read more

Daily Promises to Cover Kohlmeier, Martin By Any Means Necessary

ANN ARBOR, MI--In response to a new poll on reader response, the Michigan Daily has implemented a controversial policy that will maximize coverage of U-M volleyball player Mara Martin and cross country runner Alyson Kohlmeier, giving stories about the two women privilege over all other athletic reporting, campus reporting and even major international news. The groundbreaking decision was made by D ... Read more

Fans Annoyed At Tortured Star's Refusal To Kill Self

Fans of the heavy metal band Severe Tire Damage remain miffed at lead singer, Tavin McBates, for his continued insistence on living. As the band enters the studio to record a fifth album, internet sites devoted to the group are beginning to criticize McBates for straying from the true path of serious musical geniuses: years of scraping by as a unknown, underground band, followed by a few months of ... Read more