New Alito Memo Uncovered: "I Will Destroy Roe v. Wade"
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Another controversial memo written by Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito during his time as a Reagan administration lawyer surfaced Tuesday, further clarifying Alito's position on abortion.In the memo, a younger Alito states, "If ever I am elected to the Supreme Court of the United States, I will destroy Roe v. Wade. Totally. No ifs, ands, or buts. I'll make that r ... Read more
Crows Return To Campus For Food, Warmth, To Kill Freshman
ANN ARBOR, MI -- The annual flux of crows that migrate onto the University of Michigan Campus has begun. The avian pests have already set up camp in the Diag almost every night, bringing back the campus center's memorable wintertime aroma of bird feces.Avian migration expert Dr. Dana Dougherty explained why the birds move onto campus. "The crows lead quite simple lives, but are very c ... Read more
Student Has No Idea What He's Handing Out on Diag
ANN ARBOR, MI -- Engineering senior Brett Stampfler, who is standing on the northeast corner of the Diag, has no clue what the hell it is he's been handing out for the past two and a half hours."No, I don't have any clue what in the name of God I'm trying to hock to these people," Stampfler said as he jammed a flyer into the hand of yet another uninterested passer by. "Frankly, I'm no ... Read more
Bush Pulls Out Of Iraq Early
IRAQ -- In response to escalating criticism from both Democrats and Republicans, and coming in the face of falling public support for the war, President Bush has decided to pull out of Iraq. "If we stayed in Iraq any longer, we would risk impregnating the nation with a civil war," the President said.Added Bush: "I'm just not ready for that level of responsibility at this stage of my l ... Read more
