White House Officials Confirm Osama bin Laden Will Eventually Die

WASHINGTON -- (AP) The White House announced yesterday that it has received undeniable proof confirming that Osama bin Laden, the notorious terrorist mastermind, will eventually die of, if nothing else, old age.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we got him," President Bush said, speaking from the Rose Garden on behalf of time's inexorable march forward.

Bush cited a recent report, relea ... Read more

Creative Writing Student's Short Stories Exposed As Unintelligible Gibberish In Spam Emails

CAMPUS -- Josh Holloway, a student in the winter term of English 323: Creative Writing, was temporarily suspended from the University pending investigation after it was discovered that his series of interlocking short stories titled "Greetings, Whiteman :)" that he had submitted for workshop was lifted from the unintelligible content at the bottom of spam emails. Administrators say they are confid ... Read more

Panel Finds Alarming 43% Drop In Daily Articles On Proposal Two

An independent panel of researchers and analysts studying the university news rag, the Michigan Daily, found an alarming drop in articles about the harmful effects of Proposal 2, the constitutional amendment to ban some affirmative action programs that passed in November.

The panel of professional statisticians, sociologists, and journalists found that the Daily's acceptance rate of ove ... Read more

Sequel To Eddie Murphy's Life Planned

HOLLYWOOD - Tinsel town is abuzz this week at the news that Eddie Murphy, the comedian who rose to prominence in the late '70's and early '80's with his irreverent stand-up act and bombastic film personality, is planning on producing a sequel to his own life.

Murphy says that the project, whose title has yet to be announced, will probably begin shooting whenever his current life ends, w ... Read more

WNBA Scouts Impressed With Courtney Sims' Grasp of Fundamentals, Inability To Dunk

Michigan's basketball team has had its share of downs and downs over the past four years, but one player who may come out on top when he graduates is senior Courtney Sims, who has been drawing lots of attention from the pro scouts.

"I've waited until the end of the year because I didn't want to rub it in anyone's faces or appear like I was sandbagging, but I've been in talks with a coup ... Read more