Clinton To Graduating Class: "I'm So Sorry You Weren't Born Eight Years Earlier"

CAMPUS - Graduates and attendees of the commencement speech on April 28th at Michigan Stadium will be present to hear former President Bill Clinton, renowned for his vast rhetorical skill and insight into the challenges facing the current era, officially apologize that they weren't born eight years earlier.

Clinton said he feels the University of Michigan Class of 2007 "deserves an apol ... Read more

Bush Regrets Declaring End Of Major Cancer Operations in Tony Snow

WASHINGTON DC - Two years after declaring the end of major cancer operations in current White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, President George Bush is regretting his excessively optimistic and overeager jump to proclaim the end of Snow's illness.

After Snow was initially diagnosed with cancer of the colon in April of 2005, President Bush went before the United Nations to address the ca ... Read more

Frieze Building Swears It Only Fell Down The Stairs

CAMPUS - Friends and family of the Frieze Building have expressed growing concerns that the historic structure has recently fallen victim to abuse from the University.

Reports began swirling last month, when the Frieze showed up to a City Council meeting with several deep cuts and slashes up and down its budget. When pressed, the Frieze removed a canvas dropcloth it was using to hide a ... Read more

Freshman Is The Only Freshman He Knows Who Didn't Waste Freshman Year

CAMPUS - Joe Goeddeke, a pre-law freshman living in Alice Lloyd Hall, recently realized he's had an exceptional freshman year compared to other freshmen he knows because he didn't completely waste it.

"Every other freshman I know either took prerequisites for a concentration they changed their mind about, made friends with people who turned out to be jerks, or got drunk all the time," G ... Read more

Al Gore Announces Plans To Run For His Life

WYOMING - In a hastily worded press conference held over a three hundred yard stretch of forest in Yellowstone National Park, Al Gore announced today that he will be running for his life.

Gore's opponent in the race, a North American grizzly bear, trails the former Vice President, but has been catching up in recent moments.

The decision to run became final when, during a visi ... Read more