U.S. Sends Creed To Battle Evil Iraq

After months of threats and speculation, the U.S. has made its first effort to destroy the "Axis of Evil" by sending rock band Creed to take on Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.

"We have great confidence in Creed," said President Bush. "Who could battle evil better than these guys? Sure, there�s only three of them, but armed with a love of Jesus and an endless supply of power chords, th ... Read more

U Announces 5-year, $600M Renovation of Scaffolding

ANN ARBOR -- Citing the need for constant maintenance and building for the future, the University announced its largest construction project to date.

"Scaffolding has been the most important structure on all of campus over the past three years," said Eric McMurphy, Director of University Development. "It only makes sense to put forth the investment to make this University the best scaff ... Read more

U.S. Hijacks Two Afghani Goats in Retaliation for 9/11

This week, CIA operatives struck back in Afghanistan in a symbolic response to the September 11th attacks on America, by crashing two hijacked goats into a densely populated shack outside of Kandahar. A third goat, piloted by a CIA operative, ran over and briefly staggered an unsuspecting Afghani solider, who was standing very close to the shack.

"This was a strike for freedom," said Ma ... Read more

CNN Airs Reruns: Everything Old Now News Again

With Saddam Hussein, President Bush, Colin Powell, and Dick Cheney back in the news, CNN has halted production of current news broadcasts in favor of airing news reruns dating back to 1989. It's all part of CNN owner Ted Turner's cost-cutting plan, which will eventually make him wealthier than Scrooge McDuck, but not quite as wealthy as the Monopoly Guy.

"In this post-September 11th wo ... Read more

Student Given Choice Between True Love and Fifteen Dollars, Chooses Money

NORTH CAMPUS -- Senior Frank "Frankie" Franklin missed his one shot at true love last Monday, when he found fifteen dollars on the sidewalk, but failed to notify the cute girl who may have dropped it.

"I was walking towards Baits, and this really cute girl walked the other way," said Franklin. "About thirty feet in front of me I found fifteen dollars laying on the ground. I wanted to as ... Read more

Greek Rush Set Mandatory Quotas for Underrepresented Groups: Brunettes, Engineers, Goths, Real Greek People

ANN ARBOR -- Last week, the University of Michigan instituted a new affirmative action policy that will apply to any and all student activities, including the annual Greek Rush.

Sororities now must permit at least five natural brunettes, five women over 130 pounds and two Goth girls to pledge. Fraternities face similar sanctions with a mandatory ratio of three engineers to every one at ... Read more