Creepy Guy, Random Girl Join Hands In Historic Ceremony

CAMPUS - Representatives of creepy guys and random girls campus-wide met last week on the steps of the Michigan Union, agreeing to a list of accords that promotes "peace and progress" between the formerly estranged parties.

"This is an historic day for weird guys everywhere," raved Anthony Allor, a line of spittle dangling from the corner of his lip.

Allor, a representative f ... Read more

English Faculty Sublimates Into Pure, Unwavering Bands Of Light

CAMPUS - Local metaphysicians and students of English Language and Literature were baffled last week after hearing that several professors of the U-M English Department had spontaneously sublimated into unwavering bands of photon energy sometime in the early afternoon of Wednesday, October 17th.

"It was this beautiful, imperturable moment of supremely efficacious delicacy," described th ... Read more

Shell Unveils Pumpkin-Flavored Gasoline

AMERICA - Petroleum giant Shell Oil Co. recently announced that they will be launching a new brand of pumpkin-flavored Gasoline to coincide with the onset of autumn.

The delicious, eco-friendly "Gourd-Gas" is set for release sometime in late October, and will feature aromatic smells and tastes of the season.

"We predict this line of petroleum will be a smash hit, for about ei ... Read more

Campus Males Scavenging For Breasts Before Winter Hibernation

CAMPUS - The recent drop in temperature has not gone unnoticed by the population of males in Ann Arbor. The past two weeks have seen significant increases in lecture attendance for males, with psychology and communications lectures seeing increases of as much as 200%

Behavioral science professor David Gornash attributes this behavior to the rapidly approaching hibernation of the female ... Read more

Darfur Club Demonstration Thwarted By Pillowy Nap Club

CAMPUS - Last week's demonstration in the Diag by members of STAND, a group that raises awareness of the genocide in Darfur, was thwarted after the University chapter of the Pillowy Nap Club scheduled their fall mass meeting on the Diag at the same time.

The simultaneous demonstrations left many confused and heavy-lidded.

"I didn't realize so much spooning was going on in Dar ... Read more

Dippin’ Dots Finally Becomes Ice Cream Of The Present

WASHINGTON - No laser toting police-robots or ice cream proprietors in cold-fusion jet packs were on hand for the celebration as Dippin’ Dots, once known as the ice cream of the future, officially became the ice cream of the present.

“We knew when we started that we were way ahead of our time," said Dippin' Dots CEO Mark Blackly. "I mean, it was obvious. The ice cream came in tiny, ... Read more