Local Dog Gangbanged

ARBORETUM - Imagine the surprise on Jewish banker Herb Shmilovitz’s face when, during a routine walk through the Arboretum, he came back from the bathroom to find his three-year-old pooch, Candy, bodaciously bodyrocked!

According to eyewitness reports, a pack of hoodlum hounds approached Candy, who was tied to a bike rack while her master did his doo- dy, and perniciously pounded the ... Read more

Incarcerated Painter Dazzles Prison Creative Arts Program

DUDERSTADT - Renowned abstract expressionist painter and convicted tax evader Rabo Karabekian floored the audience of the 13th Annual Exhibition of Art by Michigan’s prisoners with his pictorial treatises on freedom and aesthetics, sources in PCAP are reporting.

Karabekian, a white Armenian who attended Cranbrook’s Academy of Art and grew up in Birmingham’s Red Light District, is ... Read more

News of Rainstorm Interrupts Coverage of Brutal Murder

BINGHAMTON, NY—Local news station WJXK interrupted its coverage of the slaying of 13-year old Wendy Willis for breaking news of a rain storm entering the immediate area of Dansville, MI last night.

The bulletin reported that the precipitation might be anywhere from “devastating” to “capable of whisking away small children”, interrupting the traditional news lineup of multiple ... Read more

Dave Suddenly Really into Lost

CAMPUS - Housemates of Dave’s 1412 Geddes pad are expressing serious concerns that, after renting the first few seasons of Lost from the media library, Dave has left his bedroom only to eat, rant about various Lost plot points, and make cryptic predictions about “the future”.

“It was Dave’s idea to watch the show and see if it was as gay as we thought it was, and I assumed we ... Read more

Explosion At Ann Arbor Public Library Tragically Claims The Lives Of 26 Crack Addicts

DOWNTOWN - An errant gas leak and an ill-timed cigarette caused an explosion last week that destroyed the top two floors of the Ann Arbor Public Library and cost 26 crack addicts their lives, DPS is reporting.

The explosion, which occurred at 1:35 PM Tuesday, caused damage estimated at upwards of 2.2 million dollars in construction, materials, and assorted crack paraphernalia, and has l ... Read more