Senior Refuses To Make Peace With Freshman Year Roommate

CAMPUS - LSA senior Mack Crowfarm has walked out of the final day of negotiations intended to foster peace between him and his freshman year roommate, Dwight Shoreman, sources involved in the peacekeeping effort report.

The latest round of negotiations soured after Shoreman repeatedly denied allegations that he had, in fact, stolen those ice trays four years ago.

The incident ... Read more

Boring Guy Dies

ANN ARBOR - No one was particularly upset at the recent news that Chuck something, the boring guy who lives next door or down the street, died last week or maybe a couple weeks ago, dispassionate sources are reporting.

Chuck, probably short for Charles, was largely ignored in his community, and will be remembered for occasionally watering the driveway in sandals, taking his homely dog f ... Read more

Portal To Hell Reopens On Diag

CAMPUS - A bloodcurdling roar, a wave of noxious gas, and the cries of millions of doomed souls greeted onlookers as the portal that runs directly from Hell to the Diag was officially unsealed last week following its annual winter hiatus for cold weather and reconstruction.

The portal, which facilitates transportation between This World and The Underworld for all living sodomites, heath ... Read more

Lloyd Carr Reportedly Enjoying Retirement, Frasier Reruns

RURAL ANN ARBOR - Departed Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr spoke briefly last week about the highs and lows of semi-retired life, courting reporters with his Tennessee charm and sharing amusing anecdotes as interviewers milled about his private ranch.

Carr, dressed in gray slacks, wool slippers and a canary yellow cardigan, and sipping from a mug of coffee shaped like women’s breasts t ... Read more