Phelps Closing In On 15:00 Milestone

ANN ARBOR, MI -- Michael Phelps, local celebrity and satirist's dream, is reportedly pursuing a major milestone in his athletic endeavors: the fifteen minute mark. Similar to other athlete's pursuits of the four-minute mile, the ascent of Mt. Everest, or the carrying of an entire football team on your back - accomplished this year by Michigan running back Mike Hart - the fifteen minute mark with surely be the culmination of Phelps's athletic career.

Phelps is pursuing this latest goal with the same dogged persistence that won him two bronze medals at the 2004 Athens Olympics. In which events he won these medals remains unclear, although some speculate it had something to do with "water."

"That's just part of the plan," said Phelps, who recently sported a Speedo, swimming goggles, and a swimming cap while speaking with a local reporter. "If I let people forget who I am or even remind them how god-awfully boring my sport is, I'm pretty sure I can whittle this career down to 15:00. Maybe even 14:56 if I work hard. It's going to be hard to beat the Real World's Trishelle, who holds the national title with 12:34, but a boy's gotta dream."

To complete his task, Phelps has even made a pact with hate activist and operator of the "God Hates Fags" web site Fred Phelps, for whom he is often mistaken by people too ignorant to realize that "Phelps" is actually quite a common last name. In exchange for allowing this confusion to continue unabated, Fred Phelps will be given a lifetime supply of homosexuals to persecute.

"I don't have to go far to fulfill my end of the bargain," commented Michael, waving to a large group of fashionablydressed males drooling from the opposite side of Canham Natatorium. "Hi, fellas."

"Wait, Michael Phelps hates fags?" asked senior Education major and noted idiot Lindsay Li. "He seemed so nice on television, when he was doing that thing that he did. At least, until he took the cap off. The swimming cap was a good look for him."

Phelps has stated he will not rest until he has killed his career, even if he has to rely on proven methods of doing so, such as appearing in Playboy, on VH1's Best Week Ever, or marrying Kevin Federline.