Clinton To Graduating Class: "I'm So Sorry You Weren't Born Eight Years Earlier"
Audience to fellate ex-President literally, figuratively
Clinton said he feels the University of Michigan Class of 2007 "deserves an apology" since they will not be graduating into the almost decade-long period of unprecedented economic growth and global innocence that typified his term in office, but instead into a time of domestic financial crisis and international chaos.
"I, sadly, am not President for you at this crucial time, and for that, I am deeply sorry," Clinton will reportedly announce. "If only each of you had been conceived 2,920 days before you were, you would not be sitting before me today with absolutely no future."
"On behalf of your parents and your parents' parents, and your parents' parents' parents, I extend to each and every one of you my most heartfelt condolences that I left office several years ago."
Clinton blamed the 22nd amendment, which forbids a President from remaining in office beyond two terms, as the reason he is no longer able to lead America.
"Sometimes I think this old Constitution of ours ought to be rewritten," Clinton plans to say, adding that he will leave some time after that comment to allow for mirthful laughter.
Clinton's apology will not only address the alarming gap between the graduating class's rightful and actual birth-dates, but will also offer apologies for the state of America in the global community.
"Eight years ago, I might have stood up here and told you that, judging by the state of our commercials, the only thing America was at war against was mildew," Clinton's speech reads. "But today, we face a far greater enemy: me not being in office."
"Sorry about that, as they used to say in the Vietnam War," Clinton will add.
Clinton is already a practiced hand at apology, having divided his time in office between an able, mature leadership of six years, and two follow-up years of apologizing for some overblown scandal too stupid to mention.
Since leaving office, Clinton has kept busy apologizing exhaustively around the country, personally seeking forgiveness from millions of America's forgotten, lamenting that he wasn't in office eight years longer so that everything could continue to go right.
"I've met so many people who want me to save them from the skyrocketing cost of living, the collapsing housing market, the gradual bleeding of the Welfare State," Clinton said. "I only wish they hadn't been born eight, nine, sometimes ten years after they should've been."
"If I had my way, these graduates would all be eight years older, and hundreds of miles away from what can only be called a single-state recession."
In response to the plight of the 2007 graduating class, the Clinton Foundation has already announced the creation of the "Clinton Eight Years Too Late Initiative," a nonprofit organization dedicated to raising funds for the unfortunate graduates, many of whom face previously unforeseen obstacles to financial independence.
Clinton has preemptively apologized for the Foundation not being successful.
Clinton says he expects the audience gathered at the Big House on April 28th to respond to his presence with a mixture of literal and metaphorical fellatio, though he doesn't think the apology plays any part in that arrangement.
"Some of these born-too-late men and women will figuratively blow me by shouting compliments about how I rule, while others will find that waiting in line to actually wrap their mouths around my purple onion gets the point across better."
The revelation that Clinton is not still in office has reportedly sent shock waves through the Facebook community, the online networking program many believe Clinton singlehandedly invented. Many groups claiming that Clinton is still their President have been forced to close their doors forever.
"All we can do now is pick up the pieces and start over," Grand Poobah of "Bill Clinton Is Totally Still My Prez," said in a statement. "Although, granted, 'I Sure Wish Clinton Was Still Prez :(' definitely lacks something."
Clinton has said that, despite presiding over the birth and rise of the Information Age, he still encounters people who haven't heard he isn't President anymore and are in need of an apology.
"Just the other day, some woman came up to me on the street and asked me, 'Hey, how come you're not doing something about all the problems?'" Clinton told reporters.
"I just gave her a big hug and told her I was sorry," he said.
In a related story, Ronald Reagan has announced plans from beyond the grave to congratulate the graduates of 2007 for not being born 28 years earlier, which would have been just in time for the lingering effects of the Savings and Loans crisis and the Iran-Contra affair.