International Bodybuilders Stage Glistening Protest Of Sweat-Free Labor
"It was sweating that made me such the mountain of magnificent muscle you see before you today," Lars Von Hamm, head of the Coalition, said, speaking through an interpreter. "Such an idea of getting rid of sweat is ridiculous and must be destroyed."
Von Hamm described sweatshop labor critics as "puny girly men," and promised those attending the rally that he "will crush" any person that supports the dismantlement of sweatshop labor.
"I am fairly certain that such a person's extended family could all fit in the trunk of my Volkswagen, and I am eager to test the truth of such a theory," Von Hamm announced to wild applause.
The protest, attended by hundreds of the world's most well-toned physiques, was considered by many a visual delight, backing up traffic along Salzberg's Waldheim Avenue for several blocks as the bodybuilders flexed their abs, arms, and chests in the name of international perspiration.
"Such salty excretion you see glistening from my pores and running down my chest is the most magnificent substance on earth," Von Hamm said to deafening roars. "Any such person who believes otherwise should be dead, right here, right now!"
Von Hamm then wowed the audience by lifting the stone podium from which he was speaking over his head, twirling it on an extended, sausage-sized pinky finger, and then heaving it several hundred yards, where it landed on a small group of counter-protesters.
Many of the protesters later succumbed to minor injuries.
"Oh, I hope I didn't harm anyone - important," Von Hamm reportedly joked to arresting officers, slapping hands with a nearby Carl Weathers.
There's no telling what the effects of the bodybuilders' protest will have on the actual practice of sweatshop vs. sweat-free labor in Third World countries. But critics, in defiance of Hamm's threats, have continued to voice their concerns about the morality of forced working conditions that they see as dehumanizing and ultimately equatable to slavery.
"Sweat-free labor provides a responsible, feasible alternative to the sometimes questionable and often unreasonable demands of the free market in a continually globalizing economy," Gerald Jenkis, a professor of economics at Berkeley University in California, said in a telephone interview.
"These bodybuilders' attempts to simplify the issue of sweatshop labor does a grave injustice to one of the great tragedies of our era, one that has gone almost universally ignored."
Jenkis' body was later found twisted around a telephone pole.
Von Hamm has denied claims that he, released on bail, was Jenkis' murderer, claiming, "Such a pathetic excuse for a man would not be worth cutting into my gluteal repetitions."
"I would have sent my little brother Klaus Von Hamm for such an insignificant murder," Von Hamm added.