Michael Phelps Shatters Swimming Records Previously Held By Himself, Old Men
The news hit hard for the previous record holder, Harold Dell, a patent clerk from Ann Arbor.
"I tell everyone I know about how much I like swimming. It keeps the circulation going in my hands and feet," said Dell, 72, a regular visitor to the Central Campus Recreation Building.
"It's one easy, safe way to keep my heart rate up and still enjoy myself," said Dell of his preference for the pool. "My doctor recommended it to me a few months ago and I've never felt better."
Dell suffers from diabetes, which has prevented him from remaining in shape via other athletic methods. Critics have pointed out that Phelps, young and agile, is thus able to appreciate swimming without the same handicap as Dell, and many have called the competition unfair.
Dell said he's never heard of Michael Phelps, but that if he wants a lane, he can wait in line like everybody else.
"We've got a system for this kind of thing," Dell said, his words drawling due to the lingering effects of a coma.
Dell says he can't think of many people under 60 years old who are proud to be swimmers.
"I've got a lot of friends my age around the poolhouse that make the day worth living," Dell said. "Lou Hoggins just celebrated his 65th."
Phelps, who conceivably showers naked with old men such as these, blew past the twenty-somethings in Melbourne to win several of the races in theatrical comeback fashion, including two in dramatic slow motion.
Students around campus expressed their admiration of Phelps.
"My friend sent me a text message just before the [Phelps'] race, saying I could learn a lot just by watching Phelps' breaststroke," sophomore Steve Jonesburg said. "I laughed for days at that one."
Phelps even broke some of his own past records, including the 1000-second after-competition gloating freestyle, and the egostroke, which Phelps accomplished this year in less than 500 words.
Phelps also broke the world record for most obnoxious self-congratulation during a rant about a massive dump he took after winning the medals.
The previous record-holder was Phil Dunber, who congratulated himself a whopping 52 times after beating the final boss in Final Fantasy VII on March 28th, 2000.
"He just loves himself way more than I do, or anybody does, for that matter," Dunber said. "It hurts, but I feel privileged to know that I was beaten by the best."
"Plus I heard that it really was a huge dump."